Sufferer My Brother Is My Rapist

[ashton13]

When I was seven, after my parents went out to get groceries, my brother asked me to do a favor for him. I was just excited that he wanted to hang out with me. He took me to my room and performed oral sex on me. The next time they went out, he had me reciprocate. There was also a morning I woke up to my brother watching porn on my tv.

I didn't have words for what he did. It was icky and didn't I like it. I tattled on my brother. "Alex is teaching me about sex." My mother told me to never think or speak about it again. That was over fifteen years ago. I spent many years trying to figure out why my mother shut me down and my brother put ten feet between us.

When I stopped feeling guilty, I began to feel rage. It turns out my mother either knew or suspected, but she didn't want me to be taken from her so she decided to do nothing. Everybody is in denial. I feel like the only adult in this situation. I don't know what good sharing all of this will do. I've said and thought it so many times since I started therapy two months ago that it no longer means anything... Nothing that can ever make sense.

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad to hear that you have started therapy as this will bring some relief to that long kept secret. You will find much support and information on this forum.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Ashton,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

Not being believed or protected by a parent is hurtful and enraging as they are the ones who are suppose to be there for you. There is a sister site that you may find helpful: MySexAbuse.com and a link can be found at the bottom of the page.

I hope you find the information on this site and the support helpful as you work on healing.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[Hashi]

I'm so sorry for what happened, and for your mother's response to it.

I don't know what good sharing all of this will do. I've said and thought it so many times since I started therapy two months ago that it no longer means anything... Nothing that can ever make sense.

I see therapy, and healing generally, as having different layers. Telling about what happened is one of those layers. Then there's opening up to feelings that have been frozen or buried, seeing how our thinking has been affected, and looking at what that has meant for our lives and how we can go forward.

I think there's only so much sense we can make of what has happened. For me, looking for the meaning of things applies more to the present and future - what do I do with what has happened? What do I really feel, underneath the shell I had to create to protect myself? Who do I want to be now, and how do I get there?

I think you have particular challenges if you still have a relationship with people you rightly feel anger towards.

I hope that therapy and being on the forum will help you.

 

[Queen Boudica]

For me, looking for the meaning of things applies more to the present and future - what do I do with what has happened? What do I really feel, underneath the shell I had to create to protect myself? Who do I want to be now, and how do I get there?

So very true.

Welcome Ashton

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[ashton13]

Thank you all so much. It feels so surreal to explain this all to complete strangers. Hashi, you actually stumbled on one of my greatest challenges. I do live in my head. I used to talk about my life in terms of metaphors. For example, "The process of therapy feels like you're coming up from twenty thousand leagues under the sea. It's slow for a good reason and it's very difficult to notice real progress right away." My therapist says that using metaphors like that doesn't really help me own my emotions. I'm trying to live in the present. I hope this forum helps me accomplish that.

 

[ninja]

Hi Ashton,

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, and then on top of it, deal with the repercussions all on your own. I believe you will find a great deal of insight and support in this forum. :)

I think opening up and shutting down the silence confers a sense of liberation, strength for battles to come. It may never make sense, because the acts themselves, were senseless, but maybe you'll find some solace in the knowledge that we all understand that quest.

 

[Lost Pup]

Hello Ashton

It sounds like you are at the beginning of a long process. I was at a similar place about seven years ago when I first opened up about my own abuse. I have very mixed feelings about how internet boards helped and hurt me in those early years. There was good that came from sharing my experience but sometimes confessing to strangers actually put me at more distance from my experience and my feelings. Not to say its a bad thing to do, only that it can be very important to name your experience and feelings to someone who you will see again and remain in some kind of an ongoing relationship with - someone who is also a real flesh and blood person. A therapist is a great start but some sort of group can be very helpful too. And not necessarily a sex abuse survivors group which, in my experience, sometimes carries a lot of its own additional baggage. Good luck.

 

[ChoctawWarrior]

I'm so sorry about what you had to go through. I've felt unprotected by my mother before when I had a nervous breakdown and got really ill. I felt like she didn't care, but the fact is is that she was so stressed, that she couldn't handle my breakdown. She seemed on her wits end, too!

It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. I think what it means is that, as parents, they love us so much and the thought of us going through hell upsets them so much. Though what they don't realize sometimes is how their denial hurts us even more.....it just doesn't help us at all.