My Combat Veteran Boyfriend Lies And Cheats

[Gabriela]

Hi there,

I am not really sure if you can help me. I am at a loss, but could really use some insight from someone more knowledgeable than I about PTSD.

I am not a Veteran, but my boyfriend of 1.5 years is. He was in the Marines for about 4 years, went in when he was 17. He's 23 now, so he hasn't been out long. He did some missions into South America, two deployments in Afghanistan, and one in Iraq. I have pieced that together. We've never really sat down and discussed it outright. I know that he was injured really badly during an IED explosion that killed 9 of his 11-man team and I know he has nightmares, some social anxiety, and negative cynical opinions in general. I do not know how he was before going into the military.

However - enter the grey area - he has lied to me several times during our relationship. Some big things, some pretty insignificant and lame - it feels like a compulsion. And recently, it came out that he cheated on me a few months back. There may be even more infidelity that I don't even know about because, well, he's a damn liar, so it's difficult to say. However, when I confronted him about the cheating and told him I wanted to end the relationship, he sent me an article to read about PTSD and lying and cheating (and other aberrant behaviors like abusing alcohol & drugs -which he doesn't do).

We have been doing a long distance relationship for the better part of a year now and he says that he had a bad spell where he went numb and introverted and it was making him crazy, so he hooked up with some girl he used to date just to feel something. He says he has a problem and needs help, and wants to work through it and wants me to stay with him while he does. I told him to give me some space while I consider what to do.

My problem is that lying and cheating feel more like behavioral issues to me, reactions to symptoms of PTSD rather than PTSD itself and I have been researching as much as I can, but not really getting any concrete answers. So I can't tell if the PTSD angle is just his ace in the hole and I'm being manipulated or if it really is a contributing factor and with counseling, support, etc he can get better. I see such a wonderful man in him, but these are such difficult and corrosive betrayals. I don't know why he does it or if I can forgive him, but if there really is the man that I fell in love with, the man that I believe he can be under all the bullshit, I'd hate to give it up without a fight.

Any advice you have or info about who else I can contact would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much,

Gabriela

 

[Friday]

My problem is that lying and cheating feel more like behavioral issues to me, reactions to symptoms of PTSD rather than PTSD itself

Hole in one!

PTSD doesn't make us do the f*cked up shit that some of us do. And, yeah... I've done some f*cked up shit. The explanation? Isn't a justification. Whether it's lashing out, or adrenaline seeking, oblivion seeking, death wish BS, self harm, cheating, whatever the f*ck it is we're doing in response to symptoms needs to change... Or our lives will be f*cked up & we'll be hurting ourselves & those around us.

I can totally get why someone I'm dating does XYZ. Just because I get it, doesn't mean I have to accept it, much less allow it in my life. Those are boundaries. Yep, I have soft & hard limits. Cross the hard one & we're done.

 

[Ronin]

I can totally get why someone I'm dating does XYZ. Just because I get it, doesn't mean I have to accept it, much less allow it in my life.

This.

Or also: Just because it worked in a different situation (like war), or was acceptable, needed, wanted? Doesn't mean it's for current use. Not even starting on all of that good x bad, moral x immoral, etc, dichotomies. Too case-by-case at times.

 

[Sighs]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

What @FridayJones said. His PTSD may well cause him to feel (or perhaps not feel) a certain way. How he chooses to deal with that is still up to him. Just like the rest of us. So if I feel like crap I could go to the gym and sweat it out or curl up on the couch with a box of chocolates.

So the question is really what are you prepared to put up with? My vet lashes out verbally. I find that really hard to cope with some days. However, he knows that if he were to lash out physically I would leave him. Not because I have given him an ultimatum (ie: you must not hit me or I will leave you) but because I have communicated to him my boundary (ie: if he hits me I must leave him).

Whether you are prepared to give your boyfriend another chance or another 100 chances is up to you. But having PTSD does not give him a gold stamped "Cheat" pass.

 

[Sighs]

Also - and I hate to raise this - but there are some people who are compulsive liars and, in fact, not only do they not have PTSD but they never even served. I forget the name for these scum. If you guys are long distance its easier for him to fake. I would be looking for evidence - other than his word - that he did in fact serve, that he was in fact injured in an IED blast and that he has officially been diagnosed with PTSD.

 

[Friday]

@Sighs... You know what's glorious? Sunrises. Sitting hip to knee. Well oiled slides (meaning there was time to clean your weapon, instead of just scraping some of the muck and grit out with cracked fingers). Really, really, reeeeally soft Tarmac to sleep on. Hot showers all on their lonesome, but add soap? OMFG. The complete and total absence of Mosquitos. Kisses. Smooth alcohol. Real smiles.

False Glory? It's a damn good name. But I still like scum better. :sneaky:

 

[Neverthesame]

False Glory? It's a damn good name. But I still like scum better.

It's called 'Stolen Valour' up here in Canada.

And I agree. Scum sounds better.

Also in agreement with the above comments. Ptsd is not an excuse to be an asshole.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Stolen Valor here in the States too, and against the law if it is used to defraud.

I'd send ole boy articles about women with PMS using it as an excuse to kill their cheating spouses and have him read those.

 

[Sighs]

@Sweetpea76 - its comments like yours that make me wish this site had a 'F*cking LOVE it' button! :cool:

 

[Gabriela]

@Sweetpea76 - its comments like yours that make me wish this site had a 'F*cking LOVE it' button! :cool:

Agreed. First smile I've had in about four days. I just may do that...

 

[Gabriela]

Sooo, update, if anyone's interested: I figured if he was a scumbag (beyond just being a liar) and pulling some stolen valour bullshit, he'd be the wrong one to ask, so I went direct to the source and had a long talk with his mama (who he's not particularly close with and I knew would have no reason to lie). The good news: he's not lying about his military history. The bad news: it doesn't really help me make a decision.

If he had been outed as scum, it would have been a no-brainer.

So I'm back to square one and trying to figure out what I need to be okay with all of this. He's supposed to move down with me next month. I figure I have until then to decide if that's what I really want or not or what the parameters will be.

It may be stupidity or it may be compassion, but I just don't have it in me to give up on a young man who gave so much for his country and got shit aftercare, and probably really needs support to get help and learn better coping skills, so I am leaning toward forgiving him. The lying - as I've mentioned before - feels compulsive and may be a different issue altogether, but I can tolerate it so long as he's actively getting help. How many times I can forgive infidelity...? I don't know. That's probably a one-time deal.

I'm not an idiot or a doormat by nature, so normally I would be out the door, gone in the goddamned wind. But in all the research I've been doing and his apparent willingness to get treatment... Well, I just don't have it in me to tell someone who already suffers with guilt, remorse, and self-worth issues that he's right and just shitcan him. I see a great man when I look at him, in spite of his aberrant behavior, and if he doesn't see the same when he looks in the mirror, then he owes it to himself to find out why. And if holding his hand during therapy and extending a little patience and understanding (albeit undeserved) will help him do that, then call me a sucker, because I think I'm going to give it another shot.

A proper diagnosis, therapy - those things are mandatory for me to take him back. Any other suggestions on what I should ask of him to help keep him accountable? I'd love any feedback anyone has. Thanks in advance. Turning to this forum has really helped me.

 

[Justmehere]

I admire your heart of compassion and care for him. It's great that you were able to talk to his mom and get some more information and verification.

I have what might seem like harsh feedback. I don't mean it to be harsh, but I write it out of care and concern for both you and him. I want to make sure you know what you are getting into more, and consider what you will need yourself, what you should prepare for yourself, not just require of him, before you dive back into this.

The good news: he's not lying about his military history. The bad news: it doesn't really help me make a decision.

If he had been outed as scum, it would have been a no-brainer.

Well it's good he is not lying about his military history. However, the fact that you had good reason to question that is a big red flag. He isn't acting in a trustworthy manner where you can even trust him on what his history is.

I think you have some limits and requirements of yourself that you should consider more before you focus on what you will be requiring of him.

Have you thought through about how are you going to be able to trust him on other things? There are going to be many things that are going to come up and you will not have any one to verify if he is telling the truth or not. He has shown such a pattern of lying that it would be unwise for his sake for you to take him at his word right now. You seem to know he lies, so how are you going to handle it even as roommates?

Be very careful about forming the opinion that he is not scum (or that he is scum.) Veterans are people too. PTSD sufferers are people too. Some of them are great people, some are not. Don't make his worth be all about what he has endured or is suffering with. It cheapens who he is as a person, a full person. Who may or may not be scum.

You don't help him by excusing maladaptive behaviors because of his service or because of his possible PTSD. All he learns is that he can do this and not face any real loss of relationship or real consequences.

You can require all kinds of things of him, but in the end, he has to need and want to change. Often this point of real commitment to change comes when enough people have set enough limits and boundaries around any trauma fueled crap behaviors. If he is lying to try to escape pain of the trauma, that is going to be a very hard thing for him to commit to change. Basically the pain of the conseuqneces maladaptive behavior has to be greater than the weight of the fear of facing the pain of the trauma. He has to be that ready to face it, or else he will likely keep bailing on treatment.

And treatment is hell. It's not something where you can make it easier by holding his hand in therapy. In fact, I would really advise against that, as the risk of you developing secondary traumatization is quite real, and the risk of him being more shut down out of fear of the impact of trauma therapy on you is also real. It's a very well meaning idea, but unless he had a therapist he has been working with for awhile, and he and the therapist agreed to you coming, it's probably counterproductive for you to go to the therapy sessions with him.

He could even go to therapy every week, and you could hold his hand every week, but it could lead to nothing changing... Either he could run into treament issues, or he could be otherwise not ready enough to change. What will you do then? Especially because at that point you will have invested a lot into this, and it will be even harder to walk away.

Before you decide what you will require of him for you to take him back, you need to set the boundaries about what you will and will not allow in your life.

If he does jump into treatment and finally get help, expect things to get worse. Yes worse. Symptoms tend to get worse for awhile for a diagnosed PTSD sufferer who has committed to treatment. I don't mean that it gets worse for a few days, but for months or longer.

Relapses will almost certainly be a part of the process, if he is committed to change. Now is the time to really consider what YOU do if/when he relapses. Not just what you will require from him.

It is also somewhat possible symptoms will get worse if you both move in with each other, especially at the same time he starts any real treatment. The act of being more close - this in and of itself can trigger more symptoms for sufferers. You will also likely be around him more often when he is more symptomatic. What will you do then?

He doesn't need you to sacrifice to try and hold is hand and rescue him out of this. He more likely needs you to be honest and boundaried with yourself about what you are and are not ok with. The latter option will be much much harder to do, and is more likely to lead to a healthy relationship and help him on his own recovery a lot more. What do you need to set up in your own life so that you can be that kind of boundaried person? Consider who are the people you can reach out to and lean on for support when the days will get rough, and what you will do to manage your own stress levels through this. All of this will be just as critical.