My "container" is hemorrhaging

[It's all my fault]

I'm sure many here suffer from emotional, physical and sexual trauma. There is so much trauma that my therapist had me mentally put "it" all away in a "container" and deal with one trauma, one molecule at a time. My therapist is away for 9 days at a conference and the container is hemorrhaging and my mind is spinning so fast with lots of different flashbacks. None of my DBT skills are working, I know self injury will pull me out of it but know I really shouldn't rely on that. I will also be facing a huge trigger tomorrow night, should be lovely! She has told me to call her anytime but I will not. She will be upset that I haven't called but no way am I going to interupt her or most importantly admit to myself and her I can't handle this myself. For crying out loud it's only a few days! Maybe I'll just remain in bed for the remaining time till I see her. Pathetic.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you able to work on self soothing and distraction? I'm not sure what DBT skills you use, or if I (we) can suggest anything else for you to use. I think you've taken an important step by posting!

 

[Justmehere]

I know you don't want to call her but maybe it would help. She knew this might happen because it's very very understandable. Sometimes it is a huge sign of growth to be willing to say we need help. It is something I am terrible at.

If holding it all in isn't working, what about letting some of it out through journaling or expressive art or writing?

I have a hard time putting everything in a container too. Sometimes I resort to actually writing out the trauma in one or two words and putting it in a literal box and writing "later" on the box. It sounds stupid and it kind of is, but it oddly works for me. I don't know why. My therapist thinks it is a way for my brain and body to tangibly know I will deal with it later so it doesn't have to remind me of it now.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Call your therapist! Please, don't let your fears of "needing" her drive you to self injury. I too struggle with self injury and I feel certain your therapist would much prefer you to reach out to her in a difficult time than self injure. She may even feel guilty that you don't feel you can contact her.

My therapist and I have gone over all sorts of self soothing skills, but dang it, sometimes they just don't work! Sometimes we need to hear from another human being - one who understands and *gets* us - that we are ok, we are not alone, and we will make it through. For me, that person is my therapist, and I would seriously struggle without contact for 9 days. So, you are not alone in that either! We are not supposed to handle this on our own - that's why we have our therapists to go through it with us!

Anyways, I'm glad you're here, and please keep fighting the urge to self injure!

Hugs, If you will accept them.:)

 

[scout86]

My therapist has told me (several times) that no one can deal with this stuff alone. The fact that you're finding that hard to do doesn't mean you're lacking, it means you're human. If your therapist didn't want you to call, she wouldn't have given you the number. I'm pretty sure she'd want the chance to do her job.

So, what things does she usually suggest that you do?

 

[Sally sue]

Here's a thought, something I have done, I email my T saying I know she's not there, and then I tell all I need to. I also have written her a letter AND written myself a letter of what she would/might say...I actually reread that one now and then, it's just so kind :)

 

[Sally sue]

Oh, another thing my T had me do was write a letter to a (imaginary) friend that was feeling exactly like I am and had exactly the same things happen...I am soooo much nicer to a friend :) then I am to myself...warped, I know ha
And if all else fails, watch mind-boggling amounts of movies I enjoy :)

 

[broken brain]

Congrats to you for trying to not! Cutting has been my primary coping mechanism for the past 16 years and I know how hard it is to not turn to it, especially when you know it will end the pain. I hope you are able to find a way to self soothe instead of self harm, but you're not alone either way.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @It's all my fault, just wanted to check in on you. How are you doing?

 

[It's all my fault]

@TimeToHeal, thanks for checking in, unfortunately I wasn't successful at not burning. Aaaagggghhh, the good thing is it pulled me back into myself. I hate this, I'm sure you do too. Now i get to look at another scar and try to explain it as a burn from the stove...again. Tonight is gonna totally s*^^£]{€. My kids are going to be at a party with my X and his family.....it is probably my biggest trigger. I know I need to be proactive and not reactive but getting out of bed is near impossible. I just want it to be Wednesday already. I may just try to stay on this board tonight to try to stay grounded. I really want to call her so that she can calm me down but I feel like a total loser for having to do that. If things get bad tonight to the point of burning, I may cave and have to call. Pathetic.

 

[TimeToHeal]

No, not pathetic! We know the things that work for us, unfortunately they are not always "positive."

I'm sorry you got to the point of self harming, but I do understand, completely. Try not to hide it from your therapist though....chances are, she will know, regardless;)

I hope you will allow yourself to reach out and call her today. And stay on here as much and as long as you want and need...We are here for you too! :)

 

[It's all my fault]

And so it begins