My current status with ADHD and Substance abuse

[gianlucabr21]

Hello everyone,
So I was never diagnosed with PTSD, in my country such thing is not taken seriously even with the high violence rate however it is estimated that in Rio de Janeiro 8.3 percent of the population has PTSD and 83 percent has been throught a traumatic experience, I was heavily addicted to cocaine after my dad died, I was abused by him for sometime I believe it started when I was 7, at that time I developed panic syndrome and also agoraphobia so I was off the school for sometime cuz I couldn't be left alone, after he died I went into a mental breakdown, that was about 5-7 years ago I honestly cant remember I pretty much lost everything I had conquered, a actually nice social life Wich was something new and a professional life, I had hyperfocus in military affairs I was able to become a researcher for the Brazilian naval war collage, I had access to cocaine before but was expensive and came in a small amount, after sometime I began going to the favelas and was able to get a lot of that substance for a very cheap price, I spended all my dad heritage in cocaine and hookers, I never got a solid diagnose about what happend all I know is that I felt a lot of pain, like it was psychical but my body was fine, I developed psychosis and abused cocaine for some years.

I went to a psychiatric clinic 3 times for 6 months in each clinic, and there i been throught the closest that I can describe of hell, I had little food, only 12 cigarettes per day I got a convulsion Wich I believe was a emotional convulsion and had to take Haloperidol injection since my situation was really bad,I was with all kinds of people, drug dealers and corrupt cops to pedophiles and schizophrenics Wich I actually made some friends with since one of them was a EOD for the Brazilian air force I must say that was quite an achievement for someone with his situation.

Im slowly conquering back my life I recovered from psychosis and to get back to a private intelligence group that I belonged I also got back to the military affairs, I'm not a researcher but I'm back in the events that happen and I was able to get into the private security and I'm working in a luxury condo there is some kinda famous people there, some football players, rappers and some people that are kinda shady but that's none of my business lol, I was diagnosed with ADHD some months ago and that changed my situation from bipolar to ADHD, the meds were good and I tried to stick to medicine that had a low psychosis probability, I'm trying blue methylene too and it had a good effect in my cognitive issues and improved a lot my memory.

I lost pretty much all my friends after what I call the great war when I had a very severe psychosis and a lot of fear about being left alone, I also had something very similar to annihilation anxiety.

I was able to meet them a few times in the last months and I think I'm being able to change their idea about me, I met a lot of people that had their relations give up on them but with me that was very fast.

I still have flashbacks about what happend with me, sometimes my heart looks like its going to get out of my chest and I start to shake a lot, my hands my body, my face, the same reaction that I have when something that looks harmless is the same reaction I had when I was a security guard in a store and a homeless on crack with a knife tried to steal in my store and I had to kick him out.

Sometimes I think about killing my self, but I think I went to far to do it, I hope all of you people stay safe, sometimes I'm tired and its heavy to keep on, but I don't want to end my life with suicide, I'm going all the way, through hell to everything I'm going all the way, there was a saying in the naval war collage, "Remember the war" I'm going all the way to change my life, I hope that all of you guys that read until here be good, don't give up face hell face everything but don't give up, from times to times I'm going to publish my situation and I hope people will read it and believe they can go throught everything that holds them back, be safe

 

[Riley Jones]

Hey gianlucabr21, wow, reading through your story hit me right in the feels— you've been through an absolute gauntlet, from the abuse and loss to the addiction spiral, those brutal clinic stays, and clawing your way back to stability with the security gig and dipping your toes back into military events. That's no small feat, man. The way you've pieced together your ADHD diagnosis, tweaking meds, even trying methylene blue for the cognitive fog... it sounds like you're approaching this with real grit and smarts, especially after losing so much ground.

I hear you on those flashbacks and the shaking— that heart-pounding terror sneaking up out of nowhere, like echoes from the store incident or worse. And the friends pulling away fast during your "great war" phase? Oof, that isolation on top of everything must've felt crushing. But look at you now, slowly shifting their views by showing up, rebuilding connections, and holding that line against the dark thoughts. "Remember the war" — I love that mantra. You're going all the way, and it's inspiring as hell to see someone face hell head-on and keep pushing.

You're not alone in this fight; plenty of us know that bone-deep tiredness, but hearing your resolve to keep going and share updates? It lights a fire. Wishing you smoother days ahead with those famous neighbors and all—stay strong, and yeah, drop those updates whenever. You've got this. Hugs if you're cool with 'em.