My diary of random thoughts

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
Focusing is really hard. I was completely manipulated and lied about. This is so unreal, but real. The stress that this causes me is so bad my right arm is going numb. I know it’s all psycho somatic, but damn if it isn’t hard to stop. All the way from my shoulder to my hand. It is awful lol. I feel like such a dumbass for having to be validated on my emotions. I was not like this before. I will say I am dumb and don’t understand people at all anymore.
I'm so sorry for what you're feeling, @AnnieMae. Betrayal and manipulation can be crazy-making.

I get intense physical manifestations of my anxiety too. Sometimes it can be debilitating.

It's so frustrating and disorienting when abuse strikes at our very character, the essence of who we are.

Healing comes.

Woodsy1
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
I'm so sorry for what you're feeling, @AnnieMae. Betrayal and manipulation can be crazy-making.

I get intense physical manifestations of my anxiety too. Sometimes it can be debilitating.

It's so frustrating and disorienting when abuse strikes at our very character, the essence of who we are.

Healing comes.

Woodsy1
Thanks, @woodsy1. I just wish there was a way to fix my life and situations. I just keep feeling like everything is going down the drain. Life has officially become too much to handle, and when I look at the reality of things, it’s depressing. I thought that if I healed, life would be better, like it was before.
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks, @woodsy1. I just wish there was a way to fix my life and situations. I just keep feeling like everything is going down the drain. Life has officially become too much to handle, and when I look at the reality of things, it’s depressing. I thought that if I healed, life would be better, like it was before.
One of the hardest things to deal with is not being able to find "normal." Things seem to change so quickly and everything feels like it's falling apart.

I sometimes have to force myself to stop and breath. Look around. Accept where I'm at. Reassess my options. Move forward as I can.

Things don't always get back to the old normal, but we can always find some good.

Woodsy1
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
I had so many dreams and hopes that were killed by “trauma.” I am so depressed yet I act like everything is ok because there is truly no help. I should have fought. I should have done so many things but I can’t change what has been done and I can’t change the way I feel. I am coming to terms with the fat that my life is just a shit show. Every failure is a blow to the psyche. It is just so weird. I don’t feel normal anymore. I don’t think I ever will. I used to be happy. All of this crap in my head...just can’t get it out. 😢 Can’t make my life better.
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
I had so many dreams and hopes that were killed by “trauma.”
I get it. I feel the same way. My life has been forever altered. My dreams seem out of reach. Much of my hope is gone. But I woke up this morning and will work through the day with what is left.
I am so depressed yet I act like everything is ok because there is truly no help.
I go back and forth between trying to be ok and dealing with various aspects of PTSD. Sometimes it's mind-bending depression. Sometimes it's hypervigilance or hyper-arousal. Sometimes it's feeling numb.

I am finding different things that do help in each stage.

Today I am beginning a routine. One of the biggest challenges for me is that I am not able to work. I sit around bored and my mind goes crazy. So I'm going to create a routine to keep myself busy and my mind occupied.
I should have fought. I should have done so many things but I can’t change what has been done and I can’t change the way I feel.
What is done is done. And we are stuck with the outcome. I went through a long period of thinking there was nothing I could do to change the way I feel. I am finding there are some things I can do. Exercise helps me some. Part of my new routine is to get exercise regularly. I try to walk 2 to 5 miles per day. I might even increase this.
I am coming to terms with the fat that my life is just a shit show.
You say shit show. I say a hot mess. I think we're on the same sheet of music. I'm learning to play with all new notes that I'm not accustomed to.
Every failure is a blow to the psyche.
A huge blow! Last night I bumped my car into a truck in a gas station parking lot. The effect on my psyche was devastating. I'm starting to think I need to not drive anymore. Because I bumped my car into another...a fairly harmless and common (though expensive) occurrence. But seemingly life changing for me! PTSD does make our psyche fragile. Ugh!
It is just so weird. I don’t feel normal anymore. I don’t think I ever will. I used to be happy.
Me too. I used to always be happy most all the time, even through challenges. I try to be now, but happiness seems elusive. I still find it here and there though. I take it for granted much less than I used to. I cherish the happy moments I find now.
All of this crap in my head...just can’t get it out. 😢 Can’t make my life better.
I'm sorry you are going through this like so many of us. It's hard!

I hope it is helping at least a little to write about it here in the forum.

Hang in there!
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
I feel like such a failure for letting emotions get in the way. Feelings are awful...well, at least bad feelings. The thing that is most horrible is that I lost so many opportunities and now it’s harder to accept that I am a failure compared to what I used to be. The therapist can say all she wants, but my experience with people is that most do t care, and I am basically screwed. This promise of a better life is sooooo wrong. 😢
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
What do you do when your life has fallen apart, you have no friends, you’re tired, you’ve been victimized, but you still have dreams- even though your dreams are a constant failure? No one can help you since you messed up and let someone manipulate you? How do you trust people?
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
What do you do when your life has fallen apart, you have no friends, you’re tired, you’ve been victimized, but you still have dreams- even though your dreams are a constant failure? No one can help you since you messed up and let someone manipulate you? How do you trust people?
Oh, @AnnieMae,

Is this you? Me too. I'm sorry life's like this for you.

We find a way to carry on. What's the alternative?

We learn to just enjoy each simple moment, each good moment...the time we spend with loved ones, our rare moments of piece. Life is still good after disaster strikes.

We hang out together. That time embraced makes it all ok for a while.

Thanks for being honest and sharing from your heart.

Hanging out with you...
🤠
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
I hate life! It’s all a bunch of bullshit lies! Everyone is a liar. I can’t get any of my dreams! Everything is a projection and I am a fake! It takes time they say...I don’t believe it. I have no friends, no love. I am so lonely but I don’t meet people I have things in common with.
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
When everyone is projecting on you, how do you know who you really are? I think my ex was a manipulator, but now my life is so messed up. None of what I want is happening because I am not who I thought I was. This whole projection thing is awful. My life used to be so goo, and now the only thing my therapist can tell me is that things will never be as good as they were. I want fun and excitement, but that’s not happening for me. I can’t ever meet the right people because of who I am. Good vs evil. There is no normal anymore. Me against the world, people vs other people. Drama vs no drama. Victim vs winner. I will always be the victim because I lost to him.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
When everyone is projecting on you, how do you know who you really are? I think my ex was a manipulator, but now my life is so messed up. None of what I want is happening because I am not who I thought I was. This whole projection thing is awful. My life used to be so goo, and now the only thing my therapist can tell me is that things will never be as good as they were. I want fun and excitement, but that’s not happening for me. I can’t ever meet the right people because of who I am. Good vs evil. There is no normal anymore. Me against the world, people vs other people. Drama vs no drama. Victim vs winner. I will always be the victim because I lost to him.
Sorry, but that is foolish defeatist thinking. Everybody fails LOTS. Everybody loses. It doesn't define the rest of your life. It's for you to learn from, to develop wisdom.

He didn't make you, his treatment of you doesn't define who you are, it shows you where you have weaknesses that you need to tend to. If you want to get pass this, you need to apply responsibility yourself. To your thinking.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit "suck it up" ish, but, truly, you need to understand that being victimized doesn't make you a victim for the rest of your life.

It should humble you. Make you awake and aware to the fact that there are dangerous and beguiling people out there. They lie. They cheat. They steal your power, if you let them. So use this experience to make you more aware. More steely. More mature. Wiser.

I understand needing to lick your wounds. I really do. You need time to heal. You need time to grieve what you have lost. Your innocence. Your naivety. The carefree you that is no longer. But don't let this bad reationship steal your future happiness. You don't have to let it. Don't do that to yourself. He's not the one oppressing you anymore. You are doing it to yourself and letting negative defeatist thinking steal your future wellbeing. Don't. Let. The. Bad. Win.

Take back your power. You can do this @AnnieMae. If other's of us can do it, you can. We aren't better than you, or more special. We are just ordinary people You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

But first be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone f*cks up. It's a dangerous world full of pitfalls and people traps. So cut yourself some slack. Just give yourself some time. As much time as you need. You will heal. You will recover. You will mature through this. You will find love again, if you first treat yourself with some kindness, patience, consideration and quit believing the defeatest, undermining, setting-you-up-for-more-failure voices. Say "No" to perpetual victimhood and yes to understanding "Well we all make mistakes, I'm just one of 7 billion + humans who get themselves in a pickle and have to work out how to work through it."

Start thinking about how you could show yourself a little more kindness and understanding and things will start to shift.

Try it. It takes time, but it works.

Yes, you have to grieve, but eventually you will feel more acceptance and start to recognise that there is still plenty of good, in life, to celebrate and be grateful for.
 
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