My diary of random thoughts

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
i want to get this licensing but I have a hard time concentrating. Then I want to start working out again. I am always afraid of being used and cheated on. I want love, but I turned away those that were good and chased those who are bad. That is so messed up to me. I ha e no idea why I do it other than to try and be cool. So dumb. And I am so self conscious about myself ever since all of this happened. Holy god is it bad
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
Is there something getting in the way of you doing this?

Just curious, for what? (no pressure, you don't need to say if you'd rather not)
Time and anxiety. And being afraid of failing. All this fear and weirdness. I am so afraid of opening up to people. And now that I have found out how ugly I am, I feel even worse. This has really like ripped my soul open and I feel like I am “tripping balls for lack of a better term... 😢
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
My ex husband set me up! He is so much smarter than me. Everything I said he used against me to make me look crazy as shit! How the hell does this even happen???? I cannot take it anymore. My life is literally going to shit because of it. The anxiety is so bad and I cannot handle all of the back and forth. I am so f*cked! I can’t trust anyone other than my family and no one trusts me because I am crazy as all hell. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t handle it. I am dying alone, and I am afraid to be by myself. Everything I go for is a failure or not good enough. And I can’t get anything to work out for me. I don’t believe in God anymore. No o e will ever understand what I went through, am going through. He set me up and I lost everything. I can’t handle the pressure of all of this. I really can’t. I used to be able to. Please!!! This is not happen to me!!!!!
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
My life is literally going down the drain. Everything is used against me. That man set me up so much and got away with it. He was secretive and everything worked out in his favor. No one helped me. I had everything in my favor and then when all of that happened and I started tripping balls, I made bad decisions. Now, I can’t stop the bad from happening. I will never achieve the level of greatness I had. It’s all lies and now everyone see through me. But the feelings of loneliness keep me contacting people. My life is forever ruined. I can’t think of ways to get myself back up again. I am studying, working and dating. But I don’t trust people and the weirdness keeps happening. I know I am so vulnerable all the time and I think I can handle things but I can’t. I wasn’t like this before. This has been so bad. I cry all the time. My mind is going crazy as hell. I have no one, nothing to move on to. I think I saw the guy I am dating on a dating website. Just ales you feel like shit. Especially when you passed on good people before. Story of my life- I lose. You can only lie so much and pretend like you are happy but so many bad things have happened that I can’t lie anymore. Everyone thinks I am crazy. Now I am. I feel like such shit, it is ridiculous
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
Do you know what happened just now, that kicked off these thoughts and led to you needing to write them down?

I am going to try and buy a house which means- 1. I am leaving my elderly parents. 2. I will be broke. 3. I will drain my savings. 4. I will have no time to do anything. 5. I will truly be alone and I will have more things to worry about.
Also, I fell asleep on the couch last Saturday and woke up and swore I saw my sort of boyfriend on Tinder.
And, I always leave good guys for bad guys. I am attracted to bad guys. And those that I am not with I am not good enough for. My ex called me crazy, motorcycle guy told me I was crazy. But my damn ex set me up. Let it go people say...how??? How do you let it go when you have a domestic violence charge on your criminal record for the rest of your life???? How do you let it go when you don’t know what is reality anymore? When you used to have such good things happening to you and now you are always battling for everything? I used to have good opportunities coming to me at work because they asked me to do them. Now, I ha s to ask. All these people with less knowledge than me are getting promoted. And, I just can’t stop feeling like I am tripping balls.

i wish I knew who was really trying to get to know me and who is going to use everything against me and set me up like my ex did????

He used everything against me. The fact that I cried, got upset, had a good job, even lied when I called the police because he had a gun. Since I was arrested and charged, I feel crazy. He lied about having a gun. Then secretly apologized for it and I am screwed. I am freaking out! I am in therapy, on meds, everything, and I can’t get it to stop.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I am going to try and buy a house which means- 1. I am leaving my elderly parents. 2. I will be broke. 3. I will drain my savings. 4. I will have no time to do anything. 5. I will truly be alone and I will have more things to worry about.
Sounds like you don't want to buy a house right now...is there some rush to do it right now?
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
Sounds like you don't want to buy a house right now...is there some rush to do it right now?
Yes, because I’ve been saying it for years and I really want one, but I know it will be the end of everything. I’m so tired. I’m not where I want to be, and Eve is internalized so badly right now. It’s awful. I try to think like the psychiatrist and believe what she says, but I am all over the place. Ideally think I am doomed because I don’t have him in my life. I try so hard to like other people and see them for who they are, but I freak out and get so weird. I need help with the freaking out so bad...I wish it would stop. I never freaked out like this before. And now, I know I will be alone forever without anyone. And, I don’t think I will ever fall in love again.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Yes, because I’ve been saying it for years and I really want one, but I know it will be the end of everything
This doesn't make any sense. Just because you've been saying it for years, that doesn't mean you need to do it right now. You sound entirely too stressed to add another stressor to the mix.

Also - I'm gonna go back to asking about hobbies for a second. I asked what you do just for you, and you said working out (except you aren't comfortable doing that right now) and going for a licensure (which isn't necessarily a hobby).

I'm talking very basic. A thing you do for you, that you c an get invested in, that is NOT related to wanting to be in a relationship.

What might those things be?
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
This doesn't make any sense. Just because you've been saying it for years, that doesn't mean you need to do it right now. You sound entirely too stressed to add another stressor to the mix.

Also - I'm gonna go back to asking about hobbies for a second. I asked what you do just for you, and you said working out (except you aren't comfortable doing that right now) and going for a licensure (which isn't necessarily a hobby).

I'm talking very basic. A thing you do for you, that you c an get invested in, that is NOT related to wanting to be in a relationship.

What might those things be?
Reading, hiking (when it’s not so cold)
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
Reading, hiking (when it’s not so cold)
I just don’t have anyone outside of my family and I am so lonely. I can’t even believe all of this is happening to me. It’s weird. I feel so different outside of people I am around.‘I truly feel like the biggest fake and loser right now. And nothing makes anything better. I feel like life is just a lie. Everything I knew to be true is not anymore.
 
Top