My diary of random thoughts

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
I can’t stop the back and forth anymore. The back and forth of the mental was that is in my mind. I was involved in a bad situation. I wish I wasn’t. I really wish things would be different. None of this is ok. This has seriously affected me, but I am always told to distract myself. I try. I try to build my dreams, I work hard. I try to be open to people, but every is all messed up. My judgement on people is not good because I trusted him and he messed me up. I took him back while on probation. Who does that? I have no one to help me, I am mentally Overwhelmed and dying alone. Everyone thinks I’m crazy. My family cries about it, I cry about it, and my friends know. But the outside world tells me to be strong. No one knows how strong you really are when you are fighting demons in your head. When you can’t make a decision to save your life. When you are told by one person to stand up for yourself and another to concede. What do you do???? The right person???? Doesn’t exist. I have no personality other than mirroring others. Or, someone mirrors me. I just want one man, one life, friends and a job. I think I’m making big mistakes, but I can’t take the pain anymore. The emotional pain, suffering and overall weirdness. If I buy a house, I think it will end it, but I won’t have any money to do other things. I am so tired and scared. Yes, scared. Mostly just tired. And the stress in my body and head is just intense. I never felt like that before. Does anyone else know how to get rid of it????
When a pathological liar sets you up, how do you fix it? The anxiety just won’t go away...
 
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AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
I cannot stand being alone. I have no friends and no fun anymore. Without a connection to anyone anymore, I am losing my goddamn mind. I have no way to move up in life. Omg, everything was so good. Now, it sucks. There is no fun. No one in my life! I am so lonely...all of this rejection and being alone sucks so bad. I can’t take it anymore. This is the worst feeling in the world. That and the weirdness. This has really really f*cked me up and I can’t fix it...I literally have no hope for anything anymore. I have been tossed around so much by other people it is insane. And now, I’m so depressed.I don’t want to die alone please
 
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AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
I just want love and someone to settle down with, but it sure as hell is hard when you don’t get along with anyone. When you have nothing in common with anyone and you see how you are just like your family but no one else wants you...sad and disheartening. I was married at 27 and divorced at 32. And I do t think I will ever have a long term relationship again. Or good job opportunities again. It’s all downhill from here 😢
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
@AnnieMae your letting other people drive you mad. You must stop going round in this circle of negative thought patterns. Your doing it to yourself. I had a psychotic breakdown once because other people were bullying me. You've got to forget about it and move on. Those people aren't in your life anymore.
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
@AnnieMae your letting other people drive you mad. You must stop going round in this circle of negative thought patterns. Your doing it to yourself. I had a psychotic breakdown once because other people were bullying me. You've got to forget about it and move on. Those people aren't in your life anymore. Everyone says, move on. How can you move on when you have no one or nothing to move on to? You’re not qualified enough for jobs that pay more. You can’t afford school. And life just keeps shutting in your face which is making it harder for you to pick up the pieces. You tell people and no one cares. Not one person cared. Everyone just moved on with their lives. I wanted to be friends with people and they didn’t want to be friends with me because they liked me. And people I like don’t like me. Everything is all messed up. I’m depressed, alone and stressed out and it’s killing me. And when you speak up all anyone says is I’m sorry? This is how I know I am going to break. I play the stupid game at work of trying to get promoted but it won’t happen. Not with all the new people here. They are better and more qualified than me. I worked my way up and now I can’t handle anything. People have shit me out of their lives because their feelings matter, but mine don’t. Story of my life.
But they destroyed my life. They destroyed me and I’m not strong enough to pick myself up. So now, I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life because I can’t figure shit out? I worked so hard for everything I had and it was taken from me. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t get along with anyone. I can’t trust anyone. It’s so hard after being screwed over and told it was my fault. This is how I know I will never have a long term relationship. Because I can’t read people and thinking about being alone drives me nuts. It is what gives me the most nightmares. Am I pushing people away or are they lying to me? And because I am no longer important at work anymore, no one likes me. They all see me as a loser anyway. I can see it in their faces.
 
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joeylittle

Administrator
I worked so hard for everything I had and it was taken from me.
And that sucks, yes. You've got a choice - work hard again, or give up.
It’s so hard after being screwed over and told it was my fault.
Yes. I do understand this. But you can choose to work at it and believe something different.
But they destroyed my life. They destroyed me and I’m not strong enough to pick myself up.
Obviously, your life is not destroyed. You are alive and well enough to come here to a website and write about your pain.

You're strong enough to crush your own psyche on the regular. Try being strong enough to stand up for yourself by working to get past this.
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
And that sucks, yes. You've got a choice - work hard again, or give up.

Yes. I do understand this. But you can choose to work at it and believe something different.

Obviously, your life is not destroyed. You are alive and well enough to come here to a website and write about your pain.

You're strong enough to crush your own psyche on the regular. Try being strong enough to stand up for yourself by working to get past this.
The thing that sucks is that it just feels so fake. Now that I’m in therapy and I’ve gone into the “real world” I see how messed up my life is. I have no friends. I am lonely and everything is so messed up. My life is a literal mess. I’ve spent so much money on crap. I have over 200 pairs of shoes. Who does that???? This is insane. I had everything going for me and all the right people on my side. Now, everything is a mess and people just shun the hell out of me and use me and I am not who I thought I was. I truly believed I made it so now I can’t catch up and I feel like crap. I feel like all these people have basically used me and I’m just not good enough for anyone 😢 All of the ones I like just don’t like me and it’s awful. I know it’s stupid, but I never felt so good about myself as I did back then. How do you build your self esteem back up but not be fake about it???? I don’t think you really can. Sometimes I meet these people and I’m like- WTF??? Is this for real??? But I’m sure they all feel that way about me. My family is all about who treats you right, so is therapy, but I know that it’s not always about that.
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
My therapist tells me things will get better, but I know it’s just lies. No one likes me. I am lonely and the time I got away from my family i was rejected. I can’t live in the moment because I literally have nothing that I like. Dating is always a disappointment and I’m tired of always being rejected and ignored. It sucks but when the world doesn’t give a shit about you, why should you even bother anymore???
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
My therapist tells me things will get better, but I know it’s just lies. No one likes me. I am lonely and the time I got away from my family i was rejected. I can’t live in the moment because I literally have nothing that I like. Dating is always a disappointment and I’m tired of always being rejected and ignored. It sucks but when the world doesn’t give a shit about you, why should you even bother anymore???
You've got to restore some sense of hope. Stop thinking the world is against you. Things will get better.
 
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