Yes, prayers are good. Thank you. If you can’t tell, I am so confused. I am really trying to focus on studying and stay away from bad things, but those bad things are tempting. The “fun” that goes along with it sure is tempting. I am not going to lie. It’s hard not to think bad thoughts because I am so afraid of being in a situation where I am manipulated again, even though it happens all the time. I never thought like this until all this bad stuff started to happen and then each bad thing that happens is like tearing open another wound. If that makes sense. I also wish I could bring it down a notch as far as the anxiety and dreadful thinking goes but it is hard. And, I feel like I am giving in to him. I know that is really messed up. I honestly feel like my situations are worse than they were before in a way. I am in therapy. I just wish I could pull it together, if that makes sense. Almost like how is it possible to have 2 thoughts at the same time that completely contradict themselves?No. You feel crap. The world is not "making you" feel that. Do you have a therapist?
You do have a family you say love you. Thats not a small thing.
When you say "never", "always" etc know those words are not true. There is NO "always" or "never". One day you will die. But until then you are either going to simply cling to all the bad stuff and merely survive/exist, or you need to decide to try to work on your thoughts, accept the care you've been given (by people here too) and try to stop believing your spiraling thoughts. They're lying to you.
I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. And I understand it's a crisis being dragged to court. But you can either let him destroy you or you can try to force your self to work on those thoughts, and keep on looking for the right help if you haven't found it yet. But also know you can be stronger than you think.
Finding someone to love and get love from is pretty difficult when we're feeling like bad people and don't manage to take care of ourselves. Then we are looking for someone to fix us, not someone to love. And either way looking for a partner when that broken is a recipe for finding an abusive person. Because you do not attract healthy people when you're desperate. Also abusive people tend to be drawn to broken people. So dating while still being in a depression is not a good choice.
I say that from my own experience.
Can you chose to let go of that dream for a while and try to find healing instead?
When I'm struggling with depression I force my self to count my blessings. And write up all the things I am grateful for. Even when I can't feel that emotion but only despair. Everyone has to try themselves too. Otherwise you will not make it. But paradoxically when we do manage to take responsibility and try to do what we can to work on our mindset other people's kindness can actually start to sink in.
Right now when depression and panic keep you ruminating all those bad thoughts you can't really take in any of the good stuff. But it's still there.
Will pray for you if that is ok.