My diary of random thoughts

AnnieMae

Confident
No. You feel crap. The world is not "making you" feel that. Do you have a therapist?

You do have a family you say love you. Thats not a small thing.

When you say "never", "always" etc know those words are not true. There is NO "always" or "never". One day you will die. But until then you are either going to simply cling to all the bad stuff and merely survive/exist, or you need to decide to try to work on your thoughts, accept the care you've been given (by people here too) and try to stop believing your spiraling thoughts. They're lying to you.

I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. And I understand it's a crisis being dragged to court. But you can either let him destroy you or you can try to force your self to work on those thoughts, and keep on looking for the right help if you haven't found it yet. But also know you can be stronger than you think.

Finding someone to love and get love from is pretty difficult when we're feeling like bad people and don't manage to take care of ourselves. Then we are looking for someone to fix us, not someone to love. And either way looking for a partner when that broken is a recipe for finding an abusive person. Because you do not attract healthy people when you're desperate. Also abusive people tend to be drawn to broken people. So dating while still being in a depression is not a good choice.

I say that from my own experience.

Can you chose to let go of that dream for a while and try to find healing instead?

When I'm struggling with depression I force my self to count my blessings. And write up all the things I am grateful for. Even when I can't feel that emotion but only despair. Everyone has to try themselves too. Otherwise you will not make it. But paradoxically when we do manage to take responsibility and try to do what we can to work on our mindset other people's kindness can actually start to sink in.

Right now when depression and panic keep you ruminating all those bad thoughts you can't really take in any of the good stuff. But it's still there.

Will pray for you if that is ok.
Yes, prayers are good. Thank you. If you can’t tell, I am so confused. I am really trying to focus on studying and stay away from bad things, but those bad things are tempting. The “fun” that goes along with it sure is tempting. I am not going to lie. It’s hard not to think bad thoughts because I am so afraid of being in a situation where I am manipulated again, even though it happens all the time. I never thought like this until all this bad stuff started to happen and then each bad thing that happens is like tearing open another wound. If that makes sense. I also wish I could bring it down a notch as far as the anxiety and dreadful thinking goes but it is hard. And, I feel like I am giving in to him. I know that is really messed up. I honestly feel like my situations are worse than they were before in a way. I am in therapy. I just wish I could pull it together, if that makes sense. Almost like how is it possible to have 2 thoughts at the same time that completely contradict themselves?
 

zaniara

MyPTSD Pro
If you can’t tell, I am so confused. I am really trying to focus on studying and stay away from bad things, but those bad things are tempting. The “fun” that goes along with it sure is tempting. I am not going to lie. It’s hard not to think bad thoughts because

It is hard to not let the bad thoughts take over. And there are 1000 reasons why. The why is not the important thing here.. You still need to do your utmost to fight them and for your life or you will just keep on spiraling down and no one (even your therapist) can "save" you unless you work hard on you.

But you talk about temptation and "fun".. are you engaging in some dangerous or addictive behavior right now? Fleeing? Like drugs, gamling or random sex/flirting/dating? Or something else? Because if you do that is the primary thing you need to stop and be honest with your T and others about or you will stay stuck in that spiraling down. (And as I said no one can save you if you do. = you do have power and need to make good choices. )

The thing with depressive and bad thoughts is that they're not stopped as much by thinking as by doing something different. When they start stop what you're doing. Meditate, take a walk, work out, write up stuff you are grateful for or counter act the thoughts by writing up the things you know are true. It can be simple things like "I'm breathing. I'm alive. I am loved. I have a bed to sleep in. There is food on my table.". Also grounding techniques help or doing some maths (yes because then the left side of the brain have to engage and the chaos lessens) or doing yoga or balancing on one foot. (Because then the brain is calmed down.)

I don't say it is easy. But you really need to step out of the spiraling down by your own accord (of course with the help of others) or you will keep on going down. It's just that simple.

You might have been a victim and that messes with you. And it's unfair and painful. But you do not have to keep on being one. And you do have some hard choices to make. And you can do it. And no one else can do it for you.

Will you let him destroy the rest of your life too? That doesn't need to happen. You are in a battle right now and if you ruminating the "why's" (why me, why is this happening etc.) you will go under. It is happening and you have to deal with it the best way you can. And spiraling down in your bad thoughts or engaging in dangerous or bad activities is not helping nor is it the best way.

I pray. = For some clarity in your mind and peace in your soul and the will in you to start to act differently and help your self so others can help also. And I pray for the pain to ease, or you to find the strength to grow through it.
 
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zaniara

MyPTSD Pro
I just wish I could pull it together, if that makes sense. Almost like how is it possible to have 2 thoughts at the same time that completely contradict themselves?
If you really do want to I don't doubt you will. But it's through your actions you show what you want. For real. And yes you can have two contradictory thoughts. But you need to chose which one will dictate your reality and actions.

I see fire and power in you. But right now you aim it at yourself in destructive ways and to keep other people out. Use that power for good and your life will change. It will not be easy. But it will be worth it. You can feel okay again. You just cant really see it yet. But I think you keep on posting here because you actually want change.

You say you are confused. But you do know those thoughts are bad, and you do know you have a family that loves you, and that you are trying to cope with school etc. You do know a lot of things. You are not confused about everything. (You just struggle to accept the reality of what's happening. ) = you are thus NOT insane like those thoughts are saying.

Sometimes we need to "act as if" = as if we are strong, as if we love our self, as if we believe in something. And after that the actual feelings that match that comes. ??
 
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zaniara

MyPTSD Pro
Also if he is a narcissistic or sociopathic person you REALLY need to stop asking "why me" and get and act smart. And expect (it's just in their nature and thus to be expected) and deal with his mind games in smart ways. If you let him get to you he will win.

And, I feel like I am giving in to him. I know that is really messed up.

It's not messed up. It's a natural but unhelpful reaction to his behavior= It exhausts you if you don't handle it very calmly and streets mart. And then the impulses to give up comes as a natural impulse. Do know this is his goal. To break you down. Never ever discuss ANYTHING with him. Have as little contact as you possibly can. And never be emotional with him. Ever.

But you can do this. It's not over. Because you are still breathing and are able to write and explain. And think. You've just been pushed into a corner for now. And self-destructed a bit too. (I bet that makes him happy because then you keep the abuse going your self.)

You can rise out of the ashes. One step at a time.. I know from experience how hard that can be. But no other person has made me as smart and less likely to be duped again as the narcissistic man who messed with me. I found my fighting spirit and got "smart" not emotional with him. = He tried to break me so he could take our child. But I was so calm with the mediatiors even though he said the worst kinds of lies- and I "acted as if" and sticked to the truth and refused to back off or act like a victim (I needed to deal with those emotions afterwards). And he lost it a threw a chair... ? and eventually I won (it was a long battle) and he did not succeed.

But he also kept me on my toes for years. If I would have had engaged in ANY bad behavior or stuff that I needed to lie about or were ashamed of he WOULD HAVE used it against me. So he sort of was like the one to keep me on the narrow path even when I was so desperate I almost lost it and wanted to self-destruct..

You can do this.
 
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lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
Do you know how much life sucks? How bad things are now that I have to be in my own? It’s hard to try to fit in. It’s hard to not be alone. All I want is my family to love me and my friends to love me. I want to find love, but I’m learning that I will never find it. I was told I deserve better, but that is not happening to me. It will never happen. Every time I try something, I feel let down. I was arrested. I can’t get over that. I was charged with domestic violence, I can’t get over that. He apologized to me then took it back. This is not fair. No one can help me. ?

You sound like me in my 20s before therapy. Something I've learned is you tend to believe yourself if you tell yourself enough. You can't if you tell yourself you can't. I mean, that's it. Stop that self talk. You can! You just need to find the way to get there but you still can! You can go miles if you try hard enough, have the right tools and the right help!

If you don't have a therapist, I'd seek one. And if you do, I'd work on this with them.
 

AnnieMae

Confident
It is hard to not let the bad thoughts take over. And there are 1000 reasons why. The why is not the important thing here.. You still need to do your utmost to fight them and for your life or you will just keep on spiraling down and no one (even your therapist) can "save" you unless you work hard on you.

But you talk about temptation and "fun".. are you engaging in some dangerous or addictive behavior right now? Fleeing? Like drugs, gamling or random sex/flirting/dating? Or something else? Because if you do that is the primary thing you need to stop and be honest with your T and others about or you will stay stuck in that spiraling down. (And as I said no one can save you if you do. = you do have power and need to make good choices. )

The thing with depressive and bad thoughts is that they're not stopped as much by thinking as by doing something different. When they start stop what you're doing. Meditate, take a walk, work out, write up stuff you are grateful for or counter act the thoughts by writing up the things you know are true. It can be simple things like "I'm breathing. I'm alive. I am loved. I have a bed to sleep in. There is food on my table.". Also grounding techniques help or doing some maths (yes because then the left side of the brain have to engage and the chaos lessens) or doing yoga or balancing on one foot. (Because then the brain is calmed down.)

I don't say it is easy. But you really need to step out of the spiraling down by your own accord (of course with the help of others) or you will keep on going down. It's just that simple.

You might have been a victim and that messes with you. And it's unfair and painful. But you do not have to keep on being one. And you do have some hard choices to make. And you can do it. And no one else can do it for you.

Will you let him destroy the rest of your life too? That doesn't need to happen. You are in a battle right now and if you ruminating the "why's" (why me, why is this happening etc.) you will go under. It is happening and you have to deal with it the best way you can. And spiraling down in your bad thoughts or engaging in dangerous or bad activities is not helping nor is it the best way.

I pray. = For some clarity in your mind and peace in your soul and the will in you to start to act differently and help your self so others can help also. And I pray for the pain to ease, or you to find the strength to grow through it.
No drugs, only drink responsibly when I go out, but definitely flirting and hook ups. Doing things that I haven’t done before. I just so wanted a different life. One of excitement and fun. I used to have fun. Now, not so much. I miss that so much.
 
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zaniara

MyPTSD Pro
but definitely flirting and hook ups. Doing things that I haven’t done before. I just so wanted a different life. One of excitement and fun. I used to have fun. Now, not so much. I miss that so much.
Well this is a pretty self-destructive behavior and it's like trying to fix a deep wound with blowing off bombs in it. It can be pretty "exciting" as in adrenaline a adrenaline rush = like when playing russian roulette.. but there is not much fun in it. (When as wounded as you are now dating is pretty dangerous, since you also attract narcissistic and psychopathic men even more then. They are a bit like sharks that can smell and are drawn to "bleeding" people.)

Of course there will be very little "fun" in your life if you continue and never find healing. You really need to be 100% honest with your therapist about this and fight to quit it. You have a choice to make. (And make every day.) And even if you might feel worth being treated badly, you are not. You can act "as if" you love your self until you can. And stopping to destroy your self is an act of self love. It can be hard to stop, but it can be done.

Also doing self destructive things when you are in a law process with your ex, is really asking for more trouble than you need.
 

AnnieMae

Confident
Well this is a pretty self-destructive behavior and it's like trying to fix a deep wound with blowing off bombs in it. It can be pretty "exciting" as in adrenaline a adrenaline rush = like when playing russian roulette.. but there is not much fun in it. (When as wounded as you are now dating is pretty dangerous, since you also attract narcissistic and psychopathic men even more then. They are a bit like sharks that can smell and are drawn to "bleeding" people.)

Of course there will be very little "fun" in your life if you continue and never find healing. You really need to be 100% honest with your therapist about this and fight to quit it. You have a choice to make. (And make every day.) And even if you might feel worth being treated badly, you are not. You can act "as if" you love your self until you can. And stopping to destroy your self is an act of self love. It can be hard to stop, but it can be done.

Also doing self destructive things when you are in a law process with your ex, is really asking for more trouble than you need.
I definitely don’t do illegal things. Not at all. And I honestly don’t know if I will ever heal from this. I freaked out so bad and made such horrible decisions at the time. I didn’t know I was being manipulated or taken advantage of. I had no clue. He told me I needed to go to therapy, and when I went, he told me I was being brainwashed. I just wish the emotions would go away and life would get better. Concentrating is sooo hard to do. Anyone have any tips on that? It’s mostly because he took advantage of me when I wasn’t looking or expecting it.
 

AnnieMae

Confident
I am so unhappy with my life. Everything from my spending habits, to my job, my friends, my actions, my bad habits, my perfectionism, having emotions, letting myself be vulnerable to other people, and being confused. I am so tired and exhausted, it’s ridiculous. Sleeping without a pill one day would be absolutely amazing. I try so hard to keep an open mind, but it’s really really hard.
 

AnnieMae

Confident
I am figuring out that I am not a strong person. I am weak. I was set up and I am lonely. I don’t know what to do in life, but I will never reach my dreams. I will never meet a man and have a family. It is just ridiculous. It’s me. This whole thing has just messed me up, and everything feels like it’s getting worse. I am fighting for everything and it’s exhausting. Having everything and losing it all sucks. Watching everyone else’s lives move forward and your life just standing still stinks. Not having people to be around is even worse. And knowing you will never be who you once were sucks even more. I get yelled at for being negative by my friend after he told me to apply to a job that I am not eligible for. How is that my fault? I’m technically not eligible and they even told me the last time I am not what they are looking for, but that’s my fault? How is telling him this being negative?
 

AnnieMae

Confident
Well, nothing is going as planned, and I truly think I’m going to be this way forever. The anxiety and weirdness is just not getting better. I can’t change my bad habits. I can’t stop thinking about the past and just how disappointing my present is. None of this is what I imagined. And learning about narcissists and how gullible I am makes it even worse. It’s like all bad things keep happening and everything is stuck in my head. 😢 Court did not go well. The prosecutor defended me and stood up for me and it still didn’t go well. The prosecutor advised that the judge dropped the charge and she didn’t do it. Let’s see, my ex didn’t care, he set me up, the police didn’t care, and the judge didn’t care. This is ridiculous. I can’t handle the pressure and it’s ruining my life.
 
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