My diary of random thoughts

AnnieMae

Confident
What do you do when you realize that you are not who you thought you were? That one person, one moment changed your world forever??? There is no more good things happening, just staying the same. The feelings don’t go away. The inadequacies are awful. The whole thing is awful....
 

AnnieMae

Confident
I’m so scared. It’s not going to work. No one understands the amount of things and people I have lost. I can’t stand this! I hate my life! I can’t change it. I can’t take back everything I had. I can’t do it anymore. Everything has fallen apart. Absolutely fallen apart, and people say love yourself. Have self esteem, self confidence and things will fall into place. Ummmm... that doesn’t happen. That o my happens to him because he had self confidence when I met him and he knew I was not confident about myself. He lied about everything and because it worked out his way, I am not worthy. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop the thought. I try to process it, sort it out, move on, and everything. No one can help me. The constant fear of another boring day. The fear of knowing nothing will get better. The constant rejection. Knowing I can’t get better, do better, or get what I want. Everything is a mess. Everything. My mind is just completely messed up right now with everything. I don’t know who I am other than a piece of shit that isn’t good enough be that is what the world is telling me. This whole decision made that for me. Black and white...no moving forward. Ever. No relationship, no love. No better job. No being good enough for anyone. Always being alone. Not knowing what decision to make because I know I will suffer the consequences when it fails.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop the thought. I try to process it, sort it out, move on, and everything. No one can help me.
So, you might want to look into medication. And if your therapist isn't helping you, start looking for a new one.

It's hard to tell from your posts how much of what you're dealing with is PTSD-related...but, I also know we are only seeing one slice of your life, in here.

Thoughts like these...
I’m so scared. It’s not going to work. No one understands the amount of things and people I have lost. I can’t stand this! I hate my life! I can’t change it. I can’t take back everything I had. I can’t do it anymore. Everything has fallen apart. Absolutely fallen apart
The constant fear of another boring day. The fear of knowing nothing will get better. The constant rejection. Knowing I can’t get better, do better, or get what I want. Everything is a mess. Everything. My mind is just completely messed up right now with everything. I don’t know who I am other than a piece of shit that isn’t good enough be that is what the world is telling me. This whole decision made that for me. Black and white...no moving forward. Ever. No relationship, no love. No better job. No being good enough for anyone. Always being alone.
...if you had to guess (on average), how much of an average day (for you) is spent with these thoughts in the foreground? The background? Do they ever fade away for any period of time?

I'm also wondering how you're doing with managing the day-to-day stuff....like, how is you ability to eat? Get up in the morning? Wash yourself, brush your hair and teeth...

How are you sleeping?
 

AnnieMae

Confident
So, you might want to look into medication. And if your therapist isn't helping you, start looking for a new one.

It's hard to tell from your posts how much of what you're dealing with is PTSD-related...but, I also know we are only seeing one slice of your life, in here.

Thoughts like these...


...if you had to guess (on average), how much of an average day (for you) is spent with these thoughts in the foreground? The background? Do they ever fade away for any period of time?

I'm also wondering how you're doing with managing the day-to-day stuff....like, how is you ability to eat? Get up in the morning? Wash yourself, brush your hair and teeth...

How are you sleeping?
I am on medication. I have tried all kinds. I do not sleep well, I spend most of my day in fear, but it really depends. I wake up in fear and have severe anxiety attacks. It’s all because my life will never be the same. What I thought was real isn’t, and my life is just boring. I can’t survive by myself, meet new people and things are not getting better. I bathe. It’s just all of this court stuff that has made things worse. And knowing that people cannot be trusted and that I cannot obtain any of my goals. People do not remember what they say or do, and it really pisses me off. My life has been so affected by anxiety and fear.
 

AnnieMae

Confident
The reality is I can’t escape my reality. I have limited friends. No close relationships, no independence, I am not important at work anymore, and the only people that love me are my family. My ex decided I was toxic. He set me up, I threw away the evidence, he knew I loved him, and now I am so screwed. When someone sets you up so bad, it’s hard to trust others. I can’t handle being charged. The charges will always be there. Always. I can’t get it out of my head. They are in my record forever so I can’t get it out of my head. Let alone get a house, meet someone or fall in love, which I want the most. It is a repeating theme because I lost. I have criminal charges on my record. I am so screwed because I am a nice person. I am way over my head. Take meds, go to therapy, make friends, go back to school, only you can change your life. Only you can make good decisions. Not when you can’t think straight. Not when you are so scared that something bad is going to happen that you won’t take the chance because so many bad things have happened in the past. No one can make someone love me. That’s all I want is someone great to love me again. So messed up, but so true. I hate court. I hate feeling desperate. I have to work so hard just to focus. I f*cked up my life by marrying him, but it was the most fun I have ever had and the good times were the best I ever felt about myself. I can’t recreate it alone.
 

AnnieMae

Confident
It's really possible that you're not being treated for the right thing(s). You could also have the wrong diagnosis.

Have you ever given that any thought? That your symptoms might not be entirely PTSD-related?
Yes. I have tried mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. No help. Even tried ketamine which definitely did not help with the anxiety. I honestly think it is a combination of being lied to, set up, and knowing my life is going down the drain and not being able to stop it. I was in such a good place. I’m sorry. I actually feel ok right now, though
 

AnnieMae

Confident
Do you know how much life sucks? How bad things are now that I have to be in my own? It’s hard to try to fit in. It’s hard to not be alone. All I want is my family to love me and my friends to love me. I want to find love, but I’m learning that I will never find it. I was told I deserve better, but that is not happening to me. It will never happen. Every time I try something, I feel let down. I was arrested. I can’t get over that. I was charged with domestic violence, I can’t get over that. He apologized to me then took it back. This is not fair. No one can help me. ?
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I was arrested. I can’t get over that. I was charged with domestic violence, I can’t get over that. He apologized to me then took it back. This is not fair.
Life isn't fair. Sorry, but it needs to be said. You were tricked and lied to. That is hard, sure - but "can't get over that"?

The longer you keep insisting that you'll never get over it - well, that pity party will go on for forever, if you let it.
No one can help me.
That's correct. No one can help you if you aren't willing to work on it. You need to be willing to try.

Please don't claim you've tried everything, it's quite obvious that you haven't.

Here's a thing: You could try reading other people's diaries, see how we all feel hopeless sometimes. Sometimes that hopelessness feels like it goes on forever. And yet: there are things you'll see people working really hard at, to try and shift that despair. Maybe it will help you see that recovery is actually a thing. People - many people - work hard at it. They get closer to it.

It would certainly help you more than coming to this diary and saying over and over again that you'll never get any better.

Seriously.

I hate to break it to you (because we don't like to compare trauma around here), but you could use a reality check: The situations you are dealing with are not that hopeless. People can (and do) recover from events like yours.

You are the only person who doesn't want to see you get better. Any one of us here would be thrilled to see you try and work on this shit you're doing to yourself.
 

AnnieMae

Confident
Yeah, I’m so confused. It’s so weird. I’ve never felt this way before. And the crying, weirdness and anxiety just keep going. Ugh ?. I have read some other stories. I feel like others have it way worse than me, but it just replays so bad in my mind. So many bad things have happened it makes it hard to do anything. I’m not saying I’m not doing anything at all, I am. Studying is the hardest to concentrate on right now. It just sucks how the world makes me feel like such a worthless piece of crap. ?
 

zaniara

MyPTSD Pro
the world makes me feel like such a worthless piece of crap. ?
No. You feel crap. The world is not "making you" feel that. Do you have a therapist?

You do have a family you say love you. Thats not a small thing.

When you say "never", "always" etc know those words are not true. There is NO "always" or "never". One day you will die. But until then you are either going to simply cling to all the bad stuff and merely survive/exist, or you need to decide to try to work on your thoughts, accept the care you've been given (by people here too) and try to stop believing your spiraling thoughts. They're lying to you.

I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. And I understand it's a crisis being dragged to court. But you can either let him destroy you or you can try to force your self to work on those thoughts, and keep on looking for the right help if you haven't found it yet. But also know you can be stronger than you think.

Finding someone to love and get love from is pretty difficult when we're feeling like bad people and don't manage to take care of ourselves. Then we are looking for someone to fix us, not someone to love. And either way looking for a partner when that broken is a recipe for finding an abusive person. Because you do not attract healthy people when you're desperate. Also abusive people tend to be drawn to broken people. So dating while still being in a depression is not a good choice.

I say that from my own experience.

Can you chose to let go of that dream for a while and try to find healing instead?

When I'm struggling with depression I force my self to count my blessings. And write up all the things I am grateful for. Even when I can't feel that emotion but only despair. Everyone has to try themselves too. Otherwise you will not make it. But paradoxically when we do manage to take responsibility and try to do what we can to work on our mindset other people's kindness can actually start to sink in.

Right now when depression and panic keep you ruminating all those bad thoughts you can't really take in any of the good stuff. But it's still there.

Will pray for you if that is ok.
 
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