Relationship My Girlfriend Has Ptsd....

[owl]

We're about 1.5 years into our relationship and PTSD is messing with our relationship. Quick background....we both have longterm sobriety, actively involved in recovery and aside from the PTSD symptoms the relationship has been a gift to both of us. Both of us have struggle staying in relationships for our own reasons. The first 6 months were unbelievable. Both of us are just around age 40 and we believed we'd finally find out match. I'm finally in love and I'm pissed off! I'm not a perfect man and have brought my own stuff to the relationship. She's opened up about her past and it isn't pretty....molestation, absent alcoholic father, alcoholic mother. My girlfriend has seen and experienced things that shouldn't happen. We took a short break from the relationship to find out what was going on. I identified some stuff on my end and jumped into therapy to address those things in my life that need changing (and I'm changing). She jumped into therapy (has been in therapy most of her life) and has come to the conclusion that the PTSD is the thing that is making her feel angry, despondent, unaffectionate, and just overall shitty towards me. Her therapist told her what she's going through will only be present while in a relationship. She's acknowledged that this must be difficult for me and has given me an out if this isn't what I want. I'm a rather gentle fella and have been kind, supportive, patient, not pushing sex. She's stubborn, wounded and I'm becoming impatient. When the relationship started heading south I was blaming me. I felt I wasn't doing enough and I was lacking. I no longer believe this. I'm a hell of a catch....but I'm a pissed off fish right now.

After the short break we reconvened and things slowly were great again. The PTSD symptoms have reared their heads. I was naive to think things would stay "normal". This is heavy...really heavy for me at times. My MO is relationships is to run. But, I've never felt this way about someone. I've envisioned a future for us and I feel it's been put on hold or will never develop. Underneath all her armored yuck she's an incredibly beautiful woman. Running is easy, staying is hard. I'm staying in therapy to walk this path. For how long, I don't know. I'm not afraid to admit I need help so I'm reaching out to a community for support.

The obvious question that comes to mind is "do I stay or bail?" I'm not looking for that answer here. I realize I have to take care of me and that's what I'm focused on. I live a spiritually based life (we both do). I don't believe in coincidences and we were brought together for a reason. We were acquaintances in recovery 13 years before we started dating. Found out she had a crush on me that dated back to when we first met and it was like this little fairy tale story. All this PTSD stuff feels in the way. We share many friends, frequent the same fellowship of hope (recovery). I understand and believe that if it's meant to be it will be.

I just don't want to feel pissed off and unwanted when the symptoms occur. I'm conflicted because I know this illness has nothing to do with me. I've done nothing wrong and this pisses me off!

 

[Sephira]

Hi owl, welcome to the forums! I'm only been here a short while, but everyone here is wonderful. This forum is a great place to vent when things get tough and you need an ear!

I completely understand about being conflicted-wondering whether to stay or go, and how much more of this can you take. Like you, I've committed to staying with my sufferer for now, and like you, I get angry and feel neglected when he's in the midst of symptoms (which is often lately).

The best advice I can offer is to read and learn as much as you can, be patient and develop a thick skin. Take care of yourself even when you don't feel like it. Caring for a sufferer and loving them is emotionally intensive and sometimes really rough. Recovery is a long process, and it isn't easy. There is hope though! Hang in there, and take care.

-Sephira

 

[ISupportHer]

owl, many of the things you are feeling....experiencing, many of us have experienced. Things like the self blame. No easy answers, of course.

I am glad you are doing therapy yourself and trying, searching. Glad you are here and I hope you find help here.

ISH

 

[healptsd]

Owl, something about your story resonated strongly with me. I have PTSD which is typically triggered by relatonships. My newest relationship of 5 months is with a man in recovery (4 years clean/sober). We deeply care for one another and for the most part life is pretty good. We laugh a lot and are able to talk through the issues that have come up so far. As the person with the identified PTSD issues the hardest part for me is that when I get triggered I nearly always feel the impulse to blame his behaviors (and retreat), you know, the ones that triggered me. I have to work hard at not doing that and in general I am learning my fear is my fear.

On the other hand I am working up the courage to talk to him about the triggers I do recognize. For example, I might ask him to not say a specific phrase to me. I don't normally even tell him it's a trigger, I'll just gently tease him or ask him straight out, please don't say "blah blah...it makes me feel uncomfortable."

Sexual intimacy is a problem for someone with a past of sexual abuse, that sucks! I do beleive, that while it's not an easy road, it is possible to cobble together a relatively healthy relationship even with PTSD. But it does seem to require deep honesty, trust, practice, and that ability for both people to take responsibility for their feelings and reactions. Hopefully you both have good therapists who can offer insights about triggers and how to work with those.

I myself, after many years in therapy, and many failed relationhips, sought a spiritual healer. A little unconventional but this woman helped me a lot. Somehow I have been able to overcome many aspects of my own trauma. For me the last bit remaining is dealing with being able to trust myself, honor my needs, and ask for what I need. All of which take practice...but so far...in my new relationship there seems like enough support to help me along the way...and maybe...just maybe... I can finally heal enough to have a successful long term relationship. I wish you all the best. Blessings to you both.

 

[Ejebud]

Owl, you have told my story as it pertains to my girlfriend. I identify with every bit....the long term recovery, the growing up together in recovery ( I've got 23 yrs and she has 14) we never had a physical attraction to each other until 2 years ago when our marriages both dissolved.

We are best friends and she has PTSD. I have always had the ability to see her as the wonderful, beautiful and loving person that she is.

My sponsor reminds me when I'm on the phone boo hooing that I need to understand that this is what I have signed up for and that the cycles of reoccurring issues may never go away.

Back in January, after a year of being romantically involved, she began to feel like she needed to try, one more time, to make it work with her husband. As you can imagine, I was devastated and distraught. We had no contact for 30 days. I jumped back into my step work, joined a gym, went to 2-12 step meetings a day, began seeing a therapist, all so I wouldn't self destruct. I also began attending a support group for codependents and that really helped me see and understand my codependent and people pleasing behavior. I saw her twice during that period at meetings and she looks like she was dying. It was really hard.

We finally began communicating again and we now refer to January as "the best month ever" We are committed to the relationship. I have experienced the same feelings as you described and I too feel that we were put together in the most beautiful way. I love her, she is my best friend. I am learning that I can't fix her, I can only love her, I am learning that it has nothing to do with me and that loving her sometimes looks like me not being afraid to tell her exactly what I am feeling. I no longer fear that she will leave me.

I continue to see through her PTSD and not allow it to define her. I am an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, arms to cocoon her, and a heartbeat for her to know that she is safe. She has two beautiful children and she is a phenomenal mother. I have two older kids and the four of them get along famously. We don't live together, and may not logistically be able to for quite some time, we see each other almost every day for lunch and a few nights a week, and she sleeps over every other weekend.

If you asked me 2 years ago what I would want a relationship to look like, it may have not looked anything like my current situation, but I can tell you that my life is so much richer now than it has ever been.

I truly live one day at a time.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think that having ptsd can produce a lot of self-hatred. And blame and shame. So being viewed differently, or the opposite like you said Ejebud, takes a lot of getting used to.

I don't know, but your situation sounds like an awful one to be in. She's very lucky you are understanding. You truly must care for her deeply.

Good luck to you both.