My husband died today

[NarcSis]

Burst out crying while trying to change the electric account over today; the poor lady didn't know what to do.

I hung up the phone and cried for a full five minutes. Then I put the rest of the paperwork away and went to lay down on the couch. I let my sister deal with the rest of it.

I think it was more that I'd already switched two accounts over to my name already and had to give reason - he has unfortunately passed away - it hit me so hard on that third switch I just cried hysterically.

There's been a lot of swearing and frustration and a flurry of activity today. Calling the lawyer. Faxing this, faxing that. Setting appointments. Tracking down documents. Printing forms. Freaking out about a missing insurance policy....I could go on. It's no wonder the dam broke.

I'd say I was in PTSD induced panic mode, almost like I was that day, I functioned using anger until that burned out and I was a puddle of a person.

I made the enough-is-enough call and I retired to the couch, severely anxious, crying and shaking. My sister covered me up, brought me Teddy and some Ativan. Much needed.

I spoke to my doc today about hidden depression, I know I have it, I think my husband may have had it - he had the biggest heart; he usually took everything to heart and was routinely disappointed in other people. He seemed to think others Should know what he knew - this is how I can get, frustrated and disappointed in how little the average person knows.

It was worse lately. He was enmired in a rather rough burnout phase, he was in physical pain, nothing seemed to be going his way - his soul was being crushed.

The physiotherapist triggered him...and I lost him. His loss became painfully real for me today. I feel heavy and depressed.

 

[stillstanding2]

this is how I can get, frustrated and disappointed in how little the average person knows.

God, we all know that one.

I'd say I was in PTSD induced panic mode, almost like I was that day, I functioned using anger until that burned out and I was a puddle of a person.
I made the enough-is-enough call and I retired to the couch, severely anxious, crying and shaking. My sister covered me up, brought me Teddy and some Ativan. Much needed.

Sounds as if you nailed it again. It is great that your sister knew what to do. Keep those Teddy bears handy. They love you too.

I'd suggest you pace yourself on taking care of business, and consider crying a vital part of decompressing. Just agreeing with what you already know.

Thanks for writing, we're with you.

 

[ms spock]

I considered calling a crisis line last night just to talk stuff out with someone who isn't my sister but wasn't sure if that constitutes a "crisis".

Yes, just in case no one addressed this - your partner committing suicide and you understandably struggling with this means you get to ring a crisis line, and it is considered a "crisis".

If you feel like it keep talking @Medic72. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you, and I don't have any thing to offer but I am reading here along with everyone else.

 

[scout86]

Burst out crying while trying to change the electric account over today; the poor lady didn't know what to do.

I just wanted to say that, even if she didn't know what to do, the woman could have experienced this before. These kinds of situations come up. Really. And there's nothing pathological about reacting the way you did. LOTS of people who don't have PTSD or a trauma history of any kind react that way. This seems hard because it IS hard, not because there's anything wrong with you. :hug:

 

[stillstanding2]

@Medic72, Ms Spock is right that you are certainly qualified to call the crisis line. There is the advantage there of immediate response, apart from anyone around you at the time. Though we at the forum are deeply concerned on your behalf, and seemingly watching for your posts around the clock,, we cannot guarantee immediate, useful feedback. Perhaps you have found help in the past from a crisis hot line, and know you can count on its effectiveness.

We know you speak superbly for yourself to us. And I imagine you can express yourself equally well by phone. I suggest this for you to consider: If you have had no experience with calling such a line, you could call them any time, describe your on-going crisis, and carefully assess the operator's experience, training, empathy, patience and general competence in your particular circumstance.

You may put your mind to rest that the crisis line is a genuine asset in an emergency. I hope you can.

However, you have said before that in your area, training even for paramedics, is sorely lacking in regard for trauma reactions, critical incident stress, PTSD and other conditions. So I wonder if the (volunteers? trainees?) on the hot lines are well-enough equipped for your specific needs. They too are only human. So it could be wise for you to acquaint yourself with the service--BEFORE a major melt-down. Just my opinion.

 

[NarcSis]

I'm panicking again today. We're back at it with bills/accounts etc. I'm contacting his RRSP holders and just a word of advice, if you start collecting these things before you get married or whatever, please remember to change the beneficiaries over to your spouse. :( Oh and please, if you have loan protection on your mortgage, don't cancel it. :(

We were married for 11 years. He'd been calling me his wife for 19 years. We were living together for 20 years! He always said, "Oh I have to remember to switch all that stuff over..." and never got around to it!!! I wondered why his mum had a black card at the funeral, she's expecting a winfall!! Oh my God, I loved the man but this is a complete nightmare for me right now and I have extreme trouble believing that this is going to work out in any good way for me.

My lawyer has advised that I will get his insurance benefits from work, but that will pay off the mortgage and I will have nothing left for me. Ugggh. Here I was starting to calm down and believe that things were going to work out for the better...I'm afraid now.

We have a meeting with his bank this afternoon. Oh Lord, what is going to happen to my life.

 

[stillstanding2]

I'm panicking again today. We're back at it with bills/accounts etc. I'm contacting his RRSP holders and...

Keep deep breathing, ma'am. Slow down if you can. Maybe take a Teddy bear in the car on the way to and from the bank, but try to hold on. And please give us updates if you can. We're all thinking about you, and will be here.

 

[Tinyflame]

I spoke to my doc today about hidden depression, I know I have it, I think my husband may have had it - he had the biggest heart; he usually took everything to heart and was routinely disappointed in other people. He seemed to think others Should know what he knew - this is how I can get, frustrated and disappointed in how little the average person knows.. It was worse lately. He was enmired in a rather rough burnout phase, he was in physical pain, nothing seemed to be going his way - his soul was being crushed.

Me too.

physiotherapist triggered him..

Even if it could not be determined from the x-ray that his heart was (or wasn't) enlarged, heart issues (you know) cause or contribute to terrible depression. Illness makes people act & think & talk out of character.

This seems hard because it IS hard, not because there's anything wrong with you.

It's so normal with the illness or death or impending death of a significant loved one Dear @Medic72 . :( :cry: :hug: :hug:

One day (or moment) at a time Dear Medic. :hug: :hug: :hug: Xoxoxox.

 

[ms spock]

And different crisis lines have different capabilities - Life Line in Australia has quite a lot of religious people that can try to stuff their religion down your throat. My psychiatrist said to politely hang up and ring again. You get allocated to another person and you start talking again.

With the SuicideCallBackLine they are qualified psychologists and they are very good indeed.

So it depends on the service that you are ringing - good to work out how many of them are available in your area and write a list down so that if you are having a meltdown then you can just ring the crisis line rather than be searching for phone numbers.

Ringing regularly in your calmer moments will help when you ring in your not so calm moments.

I know it is a small thing but I have found they really helped me through some rough patches. And setting these things up can be useful in the long run. The more potential supports that you have the better - even if you only rang a few times a week at first. And the concern about the transition from having so many people around you to not having so many people around you - ringing now might provide a small comfort to you when that transition occurs.

 

[stillstanding2]

has quite a lot of religious people that can try to stuff their religion down your throat

I encountered this many years ago. Even had one tell me that if I didn't "come to Jesus" I was going to die that night. I reported him as dangerous, and may have outlived him by now. I think outrage might have saved me that time.

@Medic72, I hope you're at home right now, and have shelved or delegated the business. You may be in your safe spot, resting or crying with your Teddy bears. And it's OK to scream yourself hoarse into your pillow, if that helps.

Take care, dear. We're thinking of you.

 

[NarcSis]

I felt like I had no future after we came back from the bank. There's only enough money for two mortgage payments. I have to try to come up with some money fast.

His employer is doing all correspondence about his insurance claim settlement through snail mail, they won't accept anything by fax. This means it will be weeks before they even settle and payout.

I have $6000 to my name, bills still outstanding and I've got to try to cover a mortgage now.

I just don't know what to do. I said today that I wished he'd just killed me too.

Did he really love me? He left most of his money to his mom!!!

My sister is walking around here bawling and sniffling and I can't find the energy to comfort her - honestly I'm angry that she's crying. I feel blank again. Other than anger I'm just blank.

How do I think my way out of this one? I'm just lost in outer space right now.

 

[scout86]

How do I think my way out of this one?

A suggestion. I don't know how it works in Canada, but it might be similar to how it is here. Have you contacted your mortgage company? Here, that's a good place to start. Some of them can be fairly reasonable. In your case, if there is insurance money that will pay off the mortgage eventually, they may be comfortable waiting, as long as they know it's there. They have situations like yours come up from time to time and have procedures for handling them. At least they do if they're "good" lenders. And I hope they are!

I don't know enough about how these things work in Canada to be much help beyond that. Sorry! One step at a time. Somehow this will work out. If his mother were a different person, she'd give you the money, but she doesn't sound like that kind of person. Sad.

Hang in there @Medic72 !