My husband died today

[Neverthesame]

I'm afraid I am not a very good financier, not too sure how it works here in Canada either. Sorry, I wish I could be some help.

As Scout said, just keep taking it one day at a time.

 

[stillstanding2]

I felt like I had no future after we came back from the bank. There's only enough money for two mortgage...

Don't know about finance in Canada, but you might be able to refinance your home at a lower rate. Just a guess. I did that in one emergency and it bought me precious time. I'm so sad and angry that this has happened to you on top of everything else. No doubt you desperately need rest. Take special care. We're very concerned for you.

 

[NarcSis]

I've been working some scenarios, if I transfer some dollars from my account over into the mortgage account, then I can make at least an additional month while letting the overdue bills slide for a week or two, at least until we can get this GofundMe stuff straightened around. (His colleagues had a GofundMe in his name). I was going to use that money to pay off the funeral but there's a bill I will definitely be handing over to his mother then.

Once I have the GoFundMe dollars that should buy me another month or two and get this monkey off my back until the workplace and vehicle insurance comes back (just in time to renew my policy! Arrgh.)

I may actually work out okay for a few years once that stuff settles provided none of those companies try to rip me off. I'm applying for disability and social supports. I will also eventually be getting some kind of survivors benefit from his pension plan. Ugggh. Just soooooo much all at once, it just crushes you and me with my PTSD, I can't think under stress, so I just end up losing it.

I was so mad at him today that I could actually imagine him cowering away from me and it made me feel so horrible. It made me think, did I make his life a living hell for the past few years? Was I not enough support for him emotionally lately? Was it because of me and my PTSD-induced irritability that he just suddenly up and decided that life was no longer worth living????

I loved him so much it's just so hard to love him and hate him at the same time because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have to be dealing with all of this crap....and it sounds weird, but I'm afraid I "scared him away" from me, if he's floating out there somewhere in spirit. I don't want him to leave me completely. I still love him, my poor little hurting boy. I just wish I could talk to him. Just talk this all out with him. I can't believe I'll never see him or hear him or feel him ever again.

I panic easily. I trigger easily. I'm irritable and just not able to support anyone else emotionally right now. At dinner my sister and I were talking, I was crying into my food about the whole banking situation and she said something about her bringing bad luck - the type of depressive comments he's made before when he was sad - I lost it. I started crying and running from the room. I could just see her killing herself and I could not handle that. I can't handle another one dead. It was really triggering for me. If there is anyone in this world who's lived with some kind of hidden depression all her life, I'd say it was her. She's admitted to suicidal ideation as a teenager and as an adult (after our mom died).

I just could not handle that. I just couldn't. I don't need anyone else dead and I'm in no frame of mind to help her right now. I screamed at her through my tears, "please don't kill yourself, please, please please promise me you won't die too." as I sobbed hysterically.

I can't take the depressive self blame crap right now. I just can't. do it.

 

[Fadeaway]

Medic, there aren't words enough to even touch what you are going through. I wish I could say something of value, but all the words in the world seem empty compared to the depth of the pain you must be experiencing.

 

[Neverthesame]

if he's floating out there somewhere in spirit. I don't want him to leave me completely. I still love him, my poor little hurting boy. I just wish I could talk to him.

If indeed he's floating about, he'll have read this.

I'm in no frame of mind to help her right now.

Right. Best thing for you is to look after you. It's hard to watch someone else close to us unravelling in the wake of such events, but you can do best for both of you by focusing on your needs. Hard as that is to do.

 

[Heather]

@Medic72 Reading your posts my heart goes out to you. I wish that the bills will be taken care of and your mortgage works out, so you can stay in your house.

I think of you often. I know my words do little to ease your pain but I want you to know I'm praying for you.

Hugs and much love.

Heather

 

[stillstanding2]

I can't think under stress

If you haven't been thinking under stress while writing what you have, you've had me fooled. I think you are exceptionally able to think under pressure. Might be healthy for you to take a break from the heavy business today if you can. Yesterday took a toll on your energies.

 

[seedling]

So sorry.

I don't know if this is relevant for you. When I have suicidal feelings and thoughts, the people I most care about are not in the equation at all. It's like I revert to some very early time in my life where what I feel is that it's better that I were dead, and thinking of those I love most does nothing to touch that feeling. When I come back to my "normal", present-in-the-moment self I find that place scary. To think of the pain that could be caused to others (like yourself) when I am in a state where thinking of the value of my life has no traction, frightening.

I believe your husband loved and cared for you very much. It may be that he couldn't help but go somewhere sometimes where he couldn't access those feelings.
I like to think that he is out there very close to you now, whatever you feel.

 

[hodge]

My heart goes out to you, Medic. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Okay, practical things first, contact your mortgage company and see if they will refinance your mortgage, which should lower your payment significantly. It'll probably be a lot of paperwork, but hopefully, you can get through that. Also get a disability attorney and apply. Here in the States they only take a portion of your back pay when you are approved. You need an income and it sounds like you can't work right now. Which is totally understandable.

Okay, now the emotional stuff. I have never had a loved one commit suicide, so I can't really know what you're going through. I do have a husband, though, and I know if I lost him, I would be very lost. I am so very sorry you have lost yours. I can't imagine the pain. I also understand you're being angry with him. Not only did he leave you permanently, but he left everything to his mother! I don't understand that. Ahh, I'm just so sorry, Medic. If this hasn't helped, please ignore it. :hug:s

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sorry that he left most of the money to his mom. Thinking of you.

 

[NarcSis]

My hubby has other RRSP accounts with other institutions, so I will be getting some money but it will have to stay in locked accounts until I'm 65, so it's pretty well useless to me right now. One of his portfolio managers contacted me today and nearly cried when expressing his condolences, again, "He was the greatest guy, so warm and personable. I'm just in shock." His Portfolio Manager!!!

It just reinforces the fact that the man who left here angry and lost that morning WAS NOT my husband. It frightens me to say this, but had I actually gone down early like I keep berating myself for not doing, would he have turned that gun on me or would my presence have been sufficiently guilt inducing to have stopped him - I'll never know these answers. I just never will and that is sad.

I accidentally called his name today. It was just automatic, my sister did something and I said, "Hey, Tin, check this out." I'd said it without any conscious realization, it was just automatic. I felt extremely depressed after I did it.

I finally addressed the media today, via email, which I think is likely the most they will ever get out of me, I'm so not a spotlight person or anyone who can think on the spot anymore. I prepared a formal statement and sent it out the the various outlets equally so that no single one had a "scoop". Mostly I spoke of presumptive legislation and first responder stress, never admitted to anything I've experienced other than to say I have PTSD. It's best to keep their bright lights away from me, if I've inadvertently become some poster child for PTSD, it wasn't my intention.

God, I miss him. I just miss him so, so much I just can't even describe this feeling. I go from sad, to sorrow-filled to depressed, to sullen and back to sad again. On top of that, I'm frustrated, angry, I'm confused and I'm trying to place a smile on my face for the sake of others. I think even right now, my brain is so busy trying to process this that a lot isn't even registering on it anymore - I flushed the toilet today and only slowly left the room. My heartrate didn't skyrocket. My body didn't feel panic, I just didn't feel anything. That being said, I was exposed to a lot of uniforms today and it generated some classic anxiety symptoms.

I keep picturing him...dead in his car. I see a smiling photo of him and I can't help but see a gunshot wound in his side and his eyes blank. It's not trauma, it's just disturbing and extremely depressing and confusing. Big Smile / Dead. These two things just don't compute in my head.

I'm never going to see him again. :(

 

[Heather]

I can relate to your feelings. I know this is not even close to your situation. But our beloved cat (poppy) passed away over the summer. We had him for 15 yrs. I rescued him from a kid who was going to throw him in the woods.

After he passed it took weeks for me walking into my mother's house and realizing he was gone. I had to catch myself several times, "when I would ask how's pops? Or where is poppy?

I know it's not the same but I missed him terribly and still do. I love him so.

You are not alone in how you feel. The grief is immense.

I feel for what you are going through and think of you often, every day you cross my mind.

My hope is that as time goes on your pain eases and you find healing.

With much love and hugs.

Heather