My hw for this week feels brutal

[goosegoose]

Just a short rant because I was asked to write my therapist a letter to answer the questions "What was I taught about happiness and how to make my own happiness?" And the letter has to be broken down by ages - infancy, toddler, child (pre-teen). So I'm answering the questions for each of those three stages of my life.

It's like, you ever pick a scab way too much? And instantly it's like "oh f*ck"

I so don't want to share this homework!!

 

[arfie]

picking scabs WAY too much is one of my OCD ticks. when it was first brought to my attention, it was physical scabs which i habitually picked until they were much larger than the original injury, but as my psychic healing progressed, i started recognizing the places i was unconsciously picking psychic scabs with equal enthusiasm.

if i ever completed this particular assignment, the essays wouldn't have gotten me an "A" in any writing class, but we discussed it intensively in my therapy sessions. it put quite allot of context to my flashbacks, etc. i don't know when, exactly, i went from finding happiness in a baby bottle to finding happiness in finding the perfect date, but it happened and without the age context, my memories were all too often out of kilter with reality. it turns out i was self-gaslighting by updating my memories with my contemporary expectations.

 

[goosegoose]

it turns out i was self-gaslighting by updating my memories with my contemporary expectations.

This feels like something I should be thinking about for myself but I'm not quite sure I understand it fully.

 

[arfie]

This feels like something I should be thinking about for myself but I'm not quite sure I understand it fully.

it's hard stuff to understand. i've run the gauntlet and felt the bennies of growing the awareness, but my understanding is still mostly beyond words.

which only increases the value of the homework assignment.

 

[goosegoose]

it's hard stuff to understand. i've run the gauntlet and felt the bennies of growing the awareness, but my understanding is still mostly beyond words.

which only increases the value of the homework assignment.

Nothing to add except "ugh" lol I get what you mean

 

[Friday]

answer the questions "What was I taught about happiness and how to make my own happiness?"

And the letter has to be broken down by ages - infancy, toddler, child (pre-teen).

I Couldn’t do that, and I didn’t have an abusive childhood, nor childhood trauma. And I’ve literally tried. Both right now, as well as in the past, when asked. It simply doesn’t parse.

Which means? It’s probably pretty durn important.

As I CAN break down shit I’m aware of FROM years in misc trauma.

The awareness itself? Seems to create its own thing. In a few different ways. Not the least of which what simply seems right/wrong, both then & now.