My Mom And Step Dad Invited Me And My Fiance John To Dinner And A Movie!

[Kristina25]

Ok so, I'm not sure what to do if everything goes south. My mom and step dad invited me and my fiance John to dinner and a movie the next Monday. I don't have a great relationship with my mom and step dad so I'm not sure how it will go with them. Afraid they might trigger something in me and make me go off during dinner maybe even before the movie. My mom didn't do anything when I told her that my dad was abusing me. That's one of the reasons I don't like her that much. And my step dad, well he's just an asshole. If I don't say something bad, but he just doesn't like it he will get mad at me. Don't know how this whole thing is going to play out. They said we can pick where we want to go for dinner and what movie we want to see. By the way we are seeing Jupiter Ascending. And possibly going to Applebee's for dinner.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

My mom didn't do anything when I told her that my dad was abusing me.

Ugh. I'm so sorry. This is a serious affront, and it hits home for me.

If I don't say something bad, but he just doesn't like it he will get mad at me.

Sounds toxic. Sounds like he has some issues of his own.

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In some situations, the only way I can hope to avoid problems is by physically leaving. And I can't physically leave unless I have the presence of mind to leave, which I don't always.

It helps, before you go, to have a clear image in your mind of your boundaries. What could your mom and stepdad do that would be unacceptable? What symptoms could you have that would be unacceptable? If something unacceptable happens, leave. If you think you are likely to be triggered to badly that you can't remember to leave, maybe you shouldn't go out with them in the first place. I'm not telling you not to go, but you should seriously weigh your options.

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Are they aware of your PTSD, and what it means? Are they learning what it means to be a good supporter? I ask partly because your stepdad's combative attitude seems to say the answer is a firm "NO." (There are great books out there to help supporters.)

Ultimately, when you find someone triggering, you have three choices:
• Reduce contact with the person
• Teach them how to try to avoid triggering you
• Suffer

It's your choice. But please don't choose to suffer. You want to heal, not get worse.

 

[Kristina25]

Sounds toxic. Sounds like he has some issues of his own.

He does have issues, he just doesn't know it.

In some situations, the only way I can hope to avoid problems is by physically leaving.

I can't just leave I don't have a car. They are me and my Fiances ride.

It helps, before you go, to have a clear image in your mind of your boundaries. What could your mom and stepdad do that would be unacceptable? What symptoms could you have that would be unacceptable? If something unacceptable happens, leave.

My mom and step dad always find a way to be unacceptable. And as I said above ^^ my mom and step dad are me and my Fiances ride so I have no way to leave.

Are they aware of your PTSD, and what it means? Are they learning what it means to be a good supporter? I ask partly because your stepdad's combative attitude seems to say the answer is a firm "NO." (There are great books out there to help supporters.)

I gave my mom 2 books about Borderline Personality Disorder about a year ago, maybe longer because I have that. She has yet to read the 2nd book. Which is actually a very good one about my mental illness diagnosis. So, it seems to me that she has no interest in learning about why I act the way I act.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

So, it seems to me that she has no interest in learning about why I act the way I act.

It doesn't define you and it shouldn't rule you. You are still responsible for your actions and also learning how to manage it with therapy and possibly medication. Mental illness is not an excuse.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

That is true, @Ayesha: Mental illness is not an excuse. It would be unrealistic and unhealthy for someone to demand their supporters to cater to them.

@Kristina25 The fact is that you believe something bad will happen if you go out with them. I don't know what that "something bad" is, but you do. You know the specifics, so you're best equipped to weigh the pros and cons and decide for yourself. If you think your symptoms will NOT be harmful, maybe you should go with them and try to enjoy the evening. But if you think you'll have harmful or otherwise bad symptoms (and you're not at a stage in your recovery where you can manage them), maybe it's better to cancel the event entirely. Just a thought.

 

[Justmehere]

It seems like you have made the decision to go, and are trying to figure out how to handle it, rather than deciding to go or not. Is that correct?

Like others, I think there is good cause to re-consider the decision to go.

You list only one possible gain by going: dinner and a movie.

These are some of the possible risks to plan for: being triggered, your step-dad being an asshole and your mother being silent again, being stranded with no way home, worsening of PTSD symptoms, delaying recovery, and/or being pulled further into dysfunctional family system.

Trigger planning is key to recovery in PTSD. If you choose to expose yourself to possible triggers, that is not always bad, if you are prepared and ready to dive into what trauma and symptoms could be triggered.

You know who they are and how they can be. You appripriatly expect there to be "unacceptable" behaviors or statments made. You can't change them. The only person you control is you. None of their behavior or abusive actions are your fault. Management of your PTSD symptoms is up to you. Fair or not, it is where things are at. If you leave it up to them, you will most likely walk away very disappointed, at best.

As for a trigger plan for your time with them, these are some bungs I do when I choose to be around family:
1.) limit the time - set clear boundaries and expectations of the amount of time I will spend with family
2.) If I rely on family to take me home, I have a backup plan to get home if I need to leave and/or they choose not to take me home in time. Since you and your fiancé are choosing the dinner and movie, maybe the location needs to be near a bus route. Maybe a friend needs to be on speed dial to come get you. This is partly about being able to actually leave, and it also gives your brain a way of knowing there is an ultimate escape. Triggers are more triggery when we believe there is no escape.
3.) bring things to comfort or ground if symptoms hit. I bring frozen water bottle, strong gum, photos of places that make me feel safe (like a travel photo of a beach), cards with positive statments on them (like "I don't have to please my family anymore.") I take time to review these prior to meeting with family and even during breaks when I go outside for fresh air or to the bathroom.

That is just a start of a list of possible things to add to your own trigger plan for your time with them.

Remember, you were helpless before during past trauma, but you don't have to be helpless anymore and let things just "play out." You can't control your mother or step-father, but you do have some signficant choices over who you will allow into your life and under what circumstances. You also do have options to mitigate any possible ways you could be triggered.