Relationship My Mom has PTSD and I can’t do anything right. How can I better support her?

[Survivor3]

Don't let people with severe and chronic mental illness dictate how "YOU" should live your life. Your an adult and you can say No I'm not doing that and I don't agree with that.

Be strong and set boundaries.

 

[caroline_13]

I am sorry to hear that it has been a difficult journey for you. I talked to a psychologist today and she said it sounds to her like my mom is too far gone and will never recover but will have to make the hard decision to seek treatment to help her manage it. She said people like me either leave the relationship to protect their own well-being or set boundaries with having a surface level relationship. Sounds consistent to what you are saying.
She said I would never be able to have the close relationship I had before with her and she recommended I take some time to grieve the loss of my mom.
It’s all really hard for me to imagine. We were always really close. I don’t want to believe we won’t be able to talk about meaningful things again but now that I think about the past 3 years it has been like you say. We can talk about my dog the weather but not politics not about my life and work. Little things about the kids sometimes trigger her. I’m always walking on eggshells.
If I cut my sister out would things change? Is there a chance she will snap out of it? I get why she kept it all a secret for the past 50 years. This allowed her to have a life separate from her trauma. Now that I know and met my sister does that mean I will always be a trigger to her? I don’t want to hurt my sister but I know she wouldn’t want our mom to be suffering. I just want my mom back and I want my mom and dad to be able to enjoy their golden years. Sorry for the talking I. Circles I’m just trying to process. I feel so lost. My sister and I have become close and she has an amazing way of comforting me like my mom use to. She reminds me so much of her which is probably why we clicked so well. but I can’t reach out to her. I feel like I’m morning the loss of two people.

I feel as though the mourning will never end. It's a normal reaction.

Confusion is normal too.

 

[Sweetpea76]

She said I would never be able to have the close relationship I had before with her and she recommended I take some time to grieve the loss of my mom.

I don’t think that is true. A lot of us have close and/or romantic relationships with sufferers. My partner has severe Combat PTSD, and while he can be symptomatic and horrid at times, he is still “him.”

If I cut my sister out would things change?

Doubt it. She’d still find something to lash out about, and you wouldn’t have your sister.

I don’t want to hurt my sister but I know she wouldn’t want our mom to be suffering.

She’d be suffering regardless. Your sister may have triggered something with her PTSD, but it is NOT you or your sister’s fault. Cutting contact isn’t going to make her better.

You mom is still your mom, you’re just seeing the symptomatic/triggered side. She may get better, she may get worse, but that is all on her and nobody or nothing else.

 

[Friday]

What she said. ^^^

 

[JJmorgan]

I don’t think that is true. A lot of us have close and/or romantic relationships with sufferers. My partner has severe Combat PTSD, and while he can be symptomatic and horrid at times, he is still “him.”




Doubt it. She’d still find something to lash out about, and you wouldn’t have your sister.



She’d be suffering regardless. Your sister may have triggered something with her PTSD, but it is NOT you or your sister’s fault. Cutting contact isn’t going to make her better.

You mom is still your mom, you’re just seeing the symptomatic/triggered side. She may get better, she may get worse, but that is all on her and nobody or nothing else.

Thank you for that. I spoke to my dad today and told him I don’t want to give up on her. She is a strong woman who went through hell and came out of it somehow. She broke the cycle of abuse and poverty I need to have faith she will realise she needs help and will seek counseling to help her learn to manage it. I wish there was something I could do.
Thanks for listening everyone. You have really helped me get through the past few days. I am sorry you all are experiencing similar pain and I appreciate your kindness and willingness to share your experience so I can learn more about CPTSD. It has helped.

 

[JJmorgan]

Up date. I talked to my dad today. He said he broke down and cried. It is all to much in him. He said the most painful part was seeing how she was attacking me. He said he know I didn’t do anything wrong. But he said she still insists that I am evil and out to hurt her and manipulate him. Who says that about their own child?!? He tried to get her to see a psychologist but she said she didn’t need one and that I must have told him to say that. How long can this episode last? What does it take for someone to realise they need help? How do you handle false accusations? My dad has b en afraid to stand up to her and tell her when she is lying. He’s tried in the past but it just makes her furious and she lashes out even more. What do you do?

 

[Sweetpea76]

You get to the point where you realize that you *have* to stop the madness. You have to set those boundaries. Does it sound like a good idea to let the person who is not mentally well run the show?

If she gets mad at everybody, she gets mad. You can’t let her make the whole family nuts while she decides she’s going to remain untreated.

 

[caroline_13]

Up date. I talked to my dad today. He said he broke down and cried. It is all to much in him. He said the most painful part was seeing how she was attacking me. He said he know I didn’t do anything wrong. But he said she still insists that I am evil and out to hurt her and manipulate him. Who says that about their own child?!? He tried to get her to see a psychologist but she said she didn’t need one and that I must have told him to say that. How long can this episode last? What does it take for someone to realise they need help? How do you handle false accusations? My dad has b en afraid to stand up to her and tell her when she is lying. He’s tried in the past but it just makes her furious and she lashes out even more. What do you do?

You create distance from the madness.

Walk farther away from it.

 

[shimmerz]

Don't let people with severe and chronic mental illness dictate how "YOU" should live your life. Your an adult and you can say No I'm not doing that and I don't agree with that.

Be strong and set boundaries.

Don't let ANYONE dictate how YOU should live your life.

I have a family that falsely accuses me of horrendous things and won't give me a voice. From my perspective, if someone won't let me talk, will not hear me, they are not someone I want to stay in contact with. It is a pattern. This is one event that has happened between you and your mother. There will be others because this is how she handles things.

You deserve better.

 

[caroline_13]

Thank you for that. I spoke to my dad today and told him I don’t want to give up on her. She is a strong woman who went through hell and came out of it somehow. She broke the cycle of abuse and poverty I need to have faith she will realise she needs help and will seek counseling to help her learn to manage it. I wish there was something I could do.
Thanks for listening everyone. You have really helped me get through the past few days. I am sorry you all are experiencing similar pain and I appreciate your kindness and willingness to share your experience so I can learn more about CPTSD. It has helped.

You deserve to feel calm. Can you see you are being pulled in all directions by this drama? People having problems does not necessarily lead to drama, but this whole picture looks like a lot of drama.

You don't deserve this, and it seems like you can't see that. From my experience, you won't see that you deserve better (or the full extent) until you are out of the situation and safely distanced from the people who think they have the right to orchestrate your emotions (because of a blood connection!!).

 

[shimmerz]

But he said she still insists that I am evil and out to hurt her and manipulate him.

This is something you may want to pay attention to. Evil is a big word.

 

[Sweetpea76]

“Evil” is a lashing out word, especially when it’s aimed at somebody who didn’t do anything wrong.

That’s projection.