My Mom Passed This Morning

[lostforgottensoul]

Great, just got a voicemail that this week's appointment for my therapist is canceled and wont see hom now until the 3rd. 3 weeks! His sister died so i understand but its suck ass timing. He doesnt even knows my mom died yet.

Someone just shoot me!

ETA: Nevermind, I was last there the 20th; they called me twice to cancel the same appointment.

Still sucks ass. I want my therapist! He's flying out today and he told me he wanred to dip in then out of Chicago. A week isnt dipping. He has nothing before my apoontment on the 3rd. Maybe just taking time off. He was close with her and he actually teared up with me. I love that we have almost like a friend sort of relationship. Kind of.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

And the roller coaster starts.

I dont like how sensitive I am to touch, sound, bickering etc. (My dad and step mom bicker a lot over dumb shit and before i just tuned them out and got lost in my phone or something but i cant seem to tune it out).

Apparently im triggered super easy. Figured that one out yesterday. This happened before where I learned how to disengage, I lost that abilty and ignored it and it led to my 2nd temp ban (justified, Im not really specificlly talking about the forum as this applies in real life too, just the first example that comes to mind). Thats happening again. I dont know why it happens where I get good at saying "this is enough, lets put down the phone or go elsewhere on the site" but there are just these symptomatic times where that never enters my mind. Honestly I think it all stems back to the orginal issue, feeling an obsessive need to defend myself or 'everyone is out to hurt me', or something.

I suppose its good I see it now before causing too much trouble but im not liking it. How reactive i am right now. How fast im defending myself and just not disengaging. I shouldnt be in the news area unless just informing, anyway and i knew that already, have no clue what posessed me to do that.

Anyway, honestly not trying to rehash, typing to look at my behaviors, reactivity, sensitivity, inabilty to disengage when needed etc and fix it or figure it out or change it or whatever.

Its not so bad that i need to come off the site completely but it is bad enough to investigate it.

Also, last night was most likely the worse night since I heard my mom was dying that ive ever had. It was the most extreme sadness/suicidal thoughts/self loathing "im a horrible person that never does anything right" and havent had that much of extreme of emotions for a long time. I was calculating how best to off myself. I was going to post about it but didnt want to bother anyone so didnt. It was and is horrible. Luckily my sleeping meds put me to sleep before i could act on anything.

This morning i was back to numb but still very reactive. I cant believe that i cant stand my cat touching me. Its usually nice but i jump and want to crawl away and end up pushing them away. Thats horrible, my poor cats are neglected.

Anyway, so the roller coster of hell begins. Hopefully I can be aware and deliberate enough to know im not disengaging when i should and then do so before causing that much trouble. I really honestly am trying...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@lostforgottensoul you are most welcome in the political forum. Please do not beat yourself over how you are feeling.

I think that you are a very good person and very highly intelligent. I am so ignorant of todays politics that I have made so many mistakes.

Just take the best care of you that you are able right now. You are in deep grief and mourning and complitacated by the fact that your mom is your abuser and you will be experiencing so many possible overwhelming emotions.

The best you can do for yourself is drink lots of water, get as much rest as possible and keep coming back here to get help sorting out and supporting you. You are a very good person:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @gizmo! :hug: I dont browse the news/political area because its all very triggering. Just felt rather defensive, should of disengaged but it never entered my mind to. Its an issue that goes on when i get super symptomatic (all over the forum). I finally learned how to trigger that switch thats says "no no, i dont need to reply, I need to walk away for a bit" and was getting good at it. I stopped being able to hit that switch, knew it but ignored it. Today im trying to not ignore it. Basically.

Thanks for welcoming me in there though! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

If it gets too bad with a person you could also click on their avatar and hit the ignore button to give you a break. Just a suggestion.

I too am learning how not to react and not respond but it is a struggle for me at times.

Oh year, I forgot to say that how are you at eating food right now?:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yeah, i did but need it sooner. If only for a few hrs or a few days or something. Thanks for talking to me about it! Makes me feel better! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:D:hug::hug::hug:

 

[City Slicker]

I am sorry to hear this news @lostforgottensoul.

I don't know if it will help but the best relationship I ever had with my mom was after her death. I mean that in the most compassionate way. I could finally let her off the hook for the things she did, for the things she did to our family, the horrible stuff.

I don't know think it felt like forgiveness as much as it was an acceptance that once it was over, that little kid in me could finally stop 'hoping and wishing' 'she' would one day have a mom. I kind of stepped in, or stepped up...for better or worse ; )

I wish you peace and gentleness on this journey.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@City Slicker, thats what my therapist was saying too and its why he said once she passes it would be a new chapter.

It doesnt feel like a new chapter. It feels like the book just slammed down on me and i am squashed under it...

 

[Chimera]

Thinking of you @lostforgottensoul
Wishing you peace..

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Oh god. The few boxes of just sort of junk around my mom's trailer, decded to empty a small one and there were "fever scans"; a on the forehead thermometer and i started to have quick fast vivid flashes of when i was really young, of my mom taking my tempature. Are these flashbacks? They dont last long, a second, but hits me hard. My flashbacks usually last longer than that.

 

[reCAPTCHA]

Hi there. First of all, my condolences to you for the loss of your mother. I completely understand how you feel. I felt the same way last October when my mom died. She went into the hospital and due to complications, never made it out. I too was abused and neglected as a child and it was such a relieve and I thought I could close that chapter of my life and move forward. I never thought it would be this difficult to move on. See, I’m married. Over the course of our marriage, we been in couple therapy a few times. Most couples just deal with conflict in their marriage, but it’s thousand times worse when you have baggage from your childhood. I was never close to my parents and my husband will never understand why I feel the way I do. His father passed away about 2 years ago. He did not have an abusive childhood and therefore will never be able to identify with my feelings. I wish he was more empathetic to say the least. Hang in there. Things will get better.