My Mom Passed This Morning

[lostforgottensoul]

Hi there

Thanks reCAPTCHA! (I love that username!)

Its so weird. I dont have any sort of relieve like a lot said Id have. Its a circle f*ck of insane emotions. Im having one or two second flashes of much younger ages then I can remember. Some are repeating but I have yet to make any sense out of them. A few of her doing mom things but mostly they are confusing.

Its like if I were playing a movie but only showed one or two second flashes here and there and all mixed up in their order. Its like that and it almost hits me making me loose balance on my feet. I cant seem to ground or do anything to stop or slow them even by constantly doing a grounding technique. The only way I have been able to get them to slow (they actually temporally stopped) was talking about politics here and I think its because my mind was a bit more focused.

The feelings are just an insane circle f*ck. Every emotion is in there along with my head screaming, my "inner child" screaming, my insides feel like they are being pulled out.

Im trying to do things that require a lot of focus now that ive seen they stop when im focused. None of my hard puzzle games I have are working and my adult coloring book isnt working; I need more focus then that so im on the searched for things that will focus my mind.

What helped you beside time?

I'll see my therapist on the 3rd.

 

[ConnieBean]

Hi. I don't know if this will help but I would recommend nurturing your inner child and being kind to parts of yourself that are sad about your mom even if she did hurt you; those parts are hard to let go of.
I wish you the best. This is a very confusing situation but you seem very emotionally aware and that's really good.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

nurturing your inner child and being kind to parts of yourself that are sad about your mom even if she did hurt you; those parts are hard to let go of.

Yeah they are, but it seems that its hard to even admit they exsist let alone giving them a voice. A huge part of me is automatically muzzling these other parts. Im unsure of what this huge part is yet. Could be fear and/or shame. Could be many things but I know its strong. Im used to the cult parts or "brainswashed" parts being strong but thats changed and they have weaken over the last few months so i dont know if its that but its something that doesnt want me to have much of a voice.

I didnt think things would change when she died. She had been dying for weeks and I thought things would just be more magnified but this is a totally different animal then before when she was dying.

Its all so very strange.

I am trying to get my "inner child" to speak up as thata the part thats got most of my emotions. The raw intense ones anyway. But "she's" like coward down in fear.

I dont have DID. I just wanted to say that. I speak about "parts" like I do. Its just how it all feels like.

 

[Recovery4Me]

. I really honestly am trying...

Reaffirming sympathy for your loss, your concerns that you are wrestling with are difficult, and that one of your beauties (to me) is that your inner core exhibits the perseverance to continuously muster compassionate as well as ethical actions. :hug: Be kind to you as you are precious.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have not had a chance to move through and navigate through this as its all been so technical. Sign this and this and this.

I had to set up a "dummy" email account after all, my sister in law got to send me a "naaty gram" after all (which i then fowarded to my dad so he can stop saying "i dont remember that"), I just signed away all rights to ALL of my mom's property and i think my brother'a wife will do the thinking for him as she always does and wont send me a dime which i dont care about, at all at this point. I just want this all to be over with. Im done signing shit.

Oh and my nephew got his digs into me. I dealt with a call at work the exact wrong way and ended up saying something very rude so now my job is on the line. Cant take
bereavement without proof of her death because people were abusing it but its only 5 days anyway. Yes, id take it at this point, 5 approved paid days off that dont use PTO. But this is going to go on for a long, long time. I need to deal better at work.

When do i get to deal with this? When does the outside shit stop? I wanted to navigate this here with the help of the good folks here and my therapist but it seems all im navigating is the drama shit everyone else is creating. When do I get to starting dealing with this?

I think if the family crap stopped it would be easier at work for me

The flashes continue. Trying my best to just let them and not let them "get me" but it is so very hard.

All of the cult urges are back and so im fighting them while trying to figure out why they are back. No i havent given into any of them but its incredablly hard. I know if i give in, that urge will stop for a while rather than constantly pulling me but then i also know if i do, i will back way up in therapy. I guess its a good thing, a testiment of my strength, that i can fight them as it is the strongest urge ive ever felt in my life but god its rough.

Old thoughts are back, old "tapes in my head", the "crowded lunchroom sound", a ton of old stuff. Its like my old mind but past the healing i did and tools i have now so different than back 6 months ago.

But its hard, very hard, to constantly 24/7 fight an urge that is so very strong. Ive gotten clean off drugs several times by myself, it is harder than that, way harder. It will make a sane person insane fast.

And then im also trying to figure out why they are all back too and navigate a ton of new stuff and the flashes and the super insanely intense emotions along with the old stuff...then the outside drama; it all would make anyone want to jump off a tall building!

 

[Recovery4Me]

(((hugs))) Being present and hearing you.

You are doing exceedingly well navigating old coping patterns that did not serve your mental health. Often with grief there comes a tipping point and that is normal for most. I was let go at my job during the death of my daughter, so I understand the tentative nature that you are facing. However, you are older than I was, and much more savvy in so many ways. You will survive! If there is a write up...do not react. Just know in time, you will reach your performance again and do not make a decision on leaving in the heat of the moment. Ride it out until things settle a bit...then maybe decide or not. OK? :hug::hug:

So, just breathe and take a time out when someone is yanking your chain. Figure out creative ways to give a couple second or minutes breather to regroup from the emotional surge. Do it before hand, because what we may think (under the shear onslaught) may not be the best choice for down the road...just might feel good in the moment.:cautious::rolleyes: Stay cool:cool:...and know we are here to listen.

One day at a time...you can do this. I believe in you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

just might feel good in the moment.:cautious:

I just got done telling my step mom, right after telling me that my brother said that he is fullfilling my mom's wishes to split all she had with me and thats the only reason he is doing it because i dont deserve it...and everyone says "yeah but that's his wife" to some how excuse everything he does and says, that if she and/or my dad doesnt tell my family to back off of me, I will end up calling each and every one of them and when I am done, my dad will not like the back lash. AND, if I have to get to that point, he wont like what i have to say when he is telling me how horrible of a person i am to do that but i cant move or do anything in therapy because of all of this outside drama. Its why i orginally backed away from them all and its way worse then 7 yrs ago.

I dont get why they all care that i didnt go see my mom so much. I made an adult decision with my therapist. Ok, i get you dont agree and i have heard you...now shut the f*ck up about it already!

You will survive! If there is a write up...do not react. Just know in time, you will reach your performance again and do not make a decision on leaving in the heat of the moment. Ride it out until things settle a bit...then maybe decide or not. OK? :hug:

Ok, and thank you! Many people are telling me to go find a new job and first, there arent many, i would have to take a much less starting pay then im currently paid, and emotional decisions arent the best.

Im not on a write up yet but my sup came over, had a convo with me and called it a final verbal. They have talked to me many times about it so they have worked with me and i do have FMLA breaks twice a day i can take for this reason. The write up would be a final write up, next step would be termination, it would be for conduct, any possible promotion out the door for 6 months and possibly longer and if im fired for miss conduct, good luck on finding another job. Performace is one thing but miss conduct is another story.

Im doing my best to not even sound flustered. I did on one call but said "im frustrated at your computer, not you", though that was a lie, i was trying to cover my ass the best i could cuz i let it slip. Otherwise i have been doing much better.

Its also medication balance issue now. I got my xanax and seriqueol re-balanced (xanax lowered) and was perfect then my anxiety sky rockets and so now im trying to find out how much i need to keep it lowered but not put myself to sleep. I did go to sleep at work once. So theres that too.

You are doing exceedingly well navigating old coping patterns that did not serve your mental health.

Am I? I dont feel like I am...

Sigh! I wish i could work through things better, navigate the emotions, move through it all, etc but my f*cking family just have to keep their shit coming. They cant just hate me and gossip about me over there. They have to keep bringing that shit over here and its SO not helping! With outside drama i cant do much work inside....and thats where i need to work..

 

[Recovery4Me]

When is your next T session? :hug::hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Wed the 10th.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I dont get why they all care that i didnt go see my mom so much. I made an adult decision with my therapist. Ok, i get you dont agree and i have heard you...now shut the f*ck up about it already!

You are against the status quo of your families unwritten dysfunctional rules by standing up to all of them in my opinion.

Personally I think your family is so Toxic that they have double bound you, you know you are damned if you do and damned if you do not. I could be wrong. This is just my view being outside looking into your problems with them.

Toxic families are very brutal to anyone who rocks their boats so they form a united front against the one who is getting healthy and believe me you are changing their toxic rules so a disconnect and protecting yourself from contact with any of them would be something to consider for your own peace of mind and sanity.

You are dealing with so much as it is, and I am sorry this is happening to you.:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@gizmo, if you sit back and look at what happened, my family started to gather around my mom & step dad (like bees around their queen) just as I was pulling away from the cult. And it all looks so cult-like. My mom being their "queen" and my brother's wife being the force behind it. They all "fact checked" with my mom and if my mom said no that it didnt happen then right away i was a liar.

They pulled my puppet strings for years and now if i dont move as they pull then im wrong, insane, living in a fantasy world, stupid, etc.

I dealt with it all (and have no idea how) for years until my therapist made me back away from them and block all of the ones making any sort of waves at all. Got them all blocked and mainly they did all of their gossiping and what not over there and i stayed over here...until their queen died.

Now theres more making waves so more have to be blocked as they make those waves. They are made, i think, because i pull against their puppet strings. And only have that one temp email that will be canceled after im positive there is nothing else more to sign. I just signed all rights to any property, and previously signed permission to cremate, so once probate unlocks her account they will cremate her, put her and my step dad in the crypt, have a small memorial in Sarasota (where i will not ever go back to) and my brother now has all rights to her property alone so can sell it all. So now i can cancel that email address and they wont have any way to directly contact me. They dont have my real email, or my cell #, and are blocked on facebook. They had contact with me due to forms needing to be signed. I will cancel it and that should be it...hopefully.

They do have 3rd party contact through my dad & step mom and that im trying to shut down. Other than that though, once i shut down the email (Monday when im positive they got the forms i sent yesterday) i should be able to shut it all down. Its just the new ones that previously didnt make waves or even talked to me cross ways that now are that will have me for a while as i individually block them on facebook. There are one here and there that dont do what the remainder of the family does that today are starting to. I just dont want to block all of them as not all of them are doing it and i want to mantain any relationship with the few that are treating me with respect and dont do what the others do. I mean its just a few out of a hundred or so but still.

Its all very sad!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Yes it is sad and I also had to disconnect from my family of origin and mourned my illusion of the family I once had.

I think that you are amazing at the whole way you have dealt with your family and I agree it is sad.

But good for you for being so prepared and on top of the situation.:hug: