My Mom Passed This Morning

[lostforgottensoul]

I posted it to facebook, just exactly what this title is and that's it. Sounds cold to just say it that way. Im never on facebook so those in the family never knew.

Then I sat here listing to Unsteady by X Ambassadors over and over. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/hold-on-to-me-cause-im-a-little-unsteady.63885/ Dont know why that song has a hook in me lately but it does. Feeling everything at once, speeding and spinning too fast to catch one. Playing the "what ifs" in my head. What if i told? Would I have been believed? Taken away? Placed with a normal family for a running start? How would my life be different now? What if I refused? What if I said no? What if I fought back? What if my mom was normal?

Was I wrong to cut her off? Was I wrong to not give her the chance when I added her to facebook? What if she really did change?

Did she miss me? Did she love me in some strange way? Did she think about me?

Some part of me wishes she wasnt made comfortable in her last weeks. Some part of me wishes she suffered. Is that horrible?

Ive never felt this "inner child" so clearly before. "She's" curled in a ball, crying (im not, "she" is so its all internal) because our mommy is gone. But my rational mind is like shaking a finger saying she was an abuser, a psychopath, dont cry for her. Its insane how much different "parts" I can feel without having DID. Its weird.

I'm really sorry @lostforgottensoul. Is that okay for me to say?

Of course it is! :hug:

it's a really confusing time. When our abusers die, it's just weird.....grief, the whole mess. Especially when they've abused us.

Indeed it is!

Grant yourself some time and just see where this goes. Take it easy on yourself and know that you are loved.

Thanks! And to you as well @Junebug! :hug:

 

[Enaila]

(((Lostforgottensoul)))

 

[lostforgottensoul]

:hug:s @Enaila!

 

[Kailani]

I am so sorry lost! You are going through a lot. I remember when my grandpa died I felt like I had DID. It's a confusing time. I applaud your efforts and doing what is best for you! Hope you are taking care of yourself!!! Lots of self care and soothing care. You did what you feel you could do at the time. There will be mixed feelings because you loved her annnnd she abused you. Both are valid. Love to you!!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

you loved her annnnd she abused you.

I did. I hated her and loved her at the same time. Its so confusing.

Lots of self care and soothing care.

Been sleeping all day. Not really anything else. Awake now and a flood of everything. Annoyed because my step mom refuses to go to sleep, fights sleep, and im not caring to deal with that shit right now. Its almost 1:30am, go to bed! Have a rather short fuse. She told me earlier (after saying a "put down") "Im trying to make you smile. Lighten up." Lighten up? Really?

I work nights so rather used to being up. I feel like, i dont know. Playing all the "what ifs" in my head. As expected, she doesnt feel gone. My step dad didnt either.

I dont know. Everything is weird right now. Im jumping when my cat comes over to rub against me and push her away. Dont want to be touched right now. I feel like going into the shower and scrub my skin off.

I dont feel like taking a baseball bat to my house like i did when i got the news the she was dying. Dont know why. Im still so numb so maybe the anger can get out yet? I dont know. Im just here... Sitting... Staring....

 

[Missycat]

@lostforgottensoul
I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time, i can understand your mixed and confusing emotions. Im not sure i can add anything to the advice and comments that others have articulated so well so just want to let you know we are here for you and sending gentle :hug: s. Take care of you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @Missycat! :hug:

 

[Broken Dahlia]

@lostforgottensoul, I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how confusing all of this must be for you, take special care of yourself right now.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't know what the 'grieving process' is supposed to look like when the person who has passed did what she did to you.

I would guess there might be a lot of anger. You might want to think what to do with it, ahead of time. Throwing glass into a recycling bin at a transfer station can be satisfying and doesn't hurt yourself or anyone else. Baseball bat against a mattress? Just a couple of ideas.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I would guess there might be a lot of anger.

There was when i heard she was dying but now its like im on auto pilot. I dont know, its so weird.

A baseball bat to a matress is better than taking it to my house.

The cutting, ritual, and punishment urges all hit me last night after i was done sleeping. Wasnt completely numb but everything was confusing. This morning i wake up numb. Im wondering if thats how im protecting myself as i wasnt able to feel anything until my dad & step mom went to bed and i think thats why my step mom being up was bothering me and irritating me so much.

Thanks @Broken Dahlia! Its certianly confusing!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul it takes time to deal with the death of a parent, and longer if that parent was one of your abusers. Take time to take care of yourself first and foremost ....... Do whatever you need to do to stay safe.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @She Cat! Will try! :hug: