I (28F) am currently working full time in an European country. My mother and stepfather live in another European country. For years their relationship has been rocky and my mother has tried to move in with me. I can't really afford it. Not only I am house sharing but I have a lot of debt that I am trying to pay off. A large part of this debt is because I took a loan to help her out. She had had money put aside for a new car and my stepfather didn't know she spent it all (some on meds but others on other stuff that were not necessarily urgent). I have continued to help her every month where I can. In 2020 she came for a visit and ended up staying in a spare room due to rhe pandemic. Those were the worst months of my life.
My mother's mental health is very poor. She has anger management issues and she also gets these anxiety attacks that absolutely destroy her rationale. She yells and insults me and when I tried to tell her she needs help and that is okay to need help given some of the traumas she faced, she told me I am a narcissistic child who treats her as if she is insane. Before coming to stay with me temporarily, she kept telling me how unhappy she was with my stepfather. Then once she was with me, she told me she prefers going back because I make her unhappy. Now she is back in the other country. My stepfather nearly lost his job because he refused vaccine. They both asked me if I could help them move over to where I am so I can help them as vaccination rules are more lax and the jobs are also better paid. I refused. They don't know the language and I know I will end up being the one in the middle of their fights. Their proposal to move where I am started after the daughter of one of my stepfather's work colleagues helped her dad move over. They keep reprimanding me, 'oh how come you can't do that, she helped her father?'. But it's absolutely not the same. The other person is in a better position financially. Her father is also more independent. She has a family of her own to support her.
My own mental health is in the gutter. There are days when I struggle with some pretty dark thoughts (not suicidal, but obsessive and negative thoughts which are tied in with my generally poor self-worth). I have debt that I am trying to get out of. I am very unhappy where I am in my life and trying to change by gaining new qualifications and skills. I am having to constantly put that on hold to help my mother. A couple of years back I got out a pretty large loan after she told me she's afraid my stepfather will find out she's spent a large part of the money for a car. My mother has told me I am selfish and I will regret it for not being more supportive, as I am behaving like other relatives in the family who have cut each other off.
My mother didn't believe in the discussion around mental health until I educated her. She still dismisses it as she thinks mental health discussion equals calling her insane. She dismisses my mental health because she doesn't think I have such big problems. Just because I had a better childhood than she did, it doesn't mean I can't have poor mental health. When I try to point out how I cannot live with her but I am happy to support her in other ways, to help her become more independent and address her own mental health, she just gets angry and starts making me feel like a disappointing daughter. My mother keeps saying she will give me another year before she moves over but I have no idea if my situation will change. I will certainly not change my mind about not wanting to live with her. I don't want to be responsible for her because she also makes me responsible for her mental health, and that is obvious from how she always says I am her 'battery'. She doesn't want to find a job although I have tried to help her in the other country where she is. My company is hiring. I know the process, I can help her.
I love my mother and I understand that she had a rough life so that's why she has the problems she has now. She was emotionally and physically abused growing up, by her own parents. She did better than they did, but I think her own PTSD is catching up with her in terrible ways. But she makes me feel like crap because she feels crap. She doesn't get that it doesn't have to be intentional to be toxic and harmful. She passed on some terrible financial habits that I had to learn to break out of. It took me years to realize that part of why I hate my own body is because she wasn't as body positive as I used to think. I remember one time she told me I look like a 'chunk of meat' because I was slouching at a table, in front of all guests and I don't think I ever stopped looking at myself in that manner. I was 11.
She was never physically abusive. I know others have had it so much worse. I was spoiled as a child. I was loved as well. But my mother lost her job and her health and she made mistakes. I don't think I can help her in the way she wants without losing myself. I will break my mother's heart but if I don't, I will just break down myself.
My mother's mental health is very poor. She has anger management issues and she also gets these anxiety attacks that absolutely destroy her rationale. She yells and insults me and when I tried to tell her she needs help and that is okay to need help given some of the traumas she faced, she told me I am a narcissistic child who treats her as if she is insane. Before coming to stay with me temporarily, she kept telling me how unhappy she was with my stepfather. Then once she was with me, she told me she prefers going back because I make her unhappy. Now she is back in the other country. My stepfather nearly lost his job because he refused vaccine. They both asked me if I could help them move over to where I am so I can help them as vaccination rules are more lax and the jobs are also better paid. I refused. They don't know the language and I know I will end up being the one in the middle of their fights. Their proposal to move where I am started after the daughter of one of my stepfather's work colleagues helped her dad move over. They keep reprimanding me, 'oh how come you can't do that, she helped her father?'. But it's absolutely not the same. The other person is in a better position financially. Her father is also more independent. She has a family of her own to support her.
My own mental health is in the gutter. There are days when I struggle with some pretty dark thoughts (not suicidal, but obsessive and negative thoughts which are tied in with my generally poor self-worth). I have debt that I am trying to get out of. I am very unhappy where I am in my life and trying to change by gaining new qualifications and skills. I am having to constantly put that on hold to help my mother. A couple of years back I got out a pretty large loan after she told me she's afraid my stepfather will find out she's spent a large part of the money for a car. My mother has told me I am selfish and I will regret it for not being more supportive, as I am behaving like other relatives in the family who have cut each other off.
My mother didn't believe in the discussion around mental health until I educated her. She still dismisses it as she thinks mental health discussion equals calling her insane. She dismisses my mental health because she doesn't think I have such big problems. Just because I had a better childhood than she did, it doesn't mean I can't have poor mental health. When I try to point out how I cannot live with her but I am happy to support her in other ways, to help her become more independent and address her own mental health, she just gets angry and starts making me feel like a disappointing daughter. My mother keeps saying she will give me another year before she moves over but I have no idea if my situation will change. I will certainly not change my mind about not wanting to live with her. I don't want to be responsible for her because she also makes me responsible for her mental health, and that is obvious from how she always says I am her 'battery'. She doesn't want to find a job although I have tried to help her in the other country where she is. My company is hiring. I know the process, I can help her.
I love my mother and I understand that she had a rough life so that's why she has the problems she has now. She was emotionally and physically abused growing up, by her own parents. She did better than they did, but I think her own PTSD is catching up with her in terrible ways. But she makes me feel like crap because she feels crap. She doesn't get that it doesn't have to be intentional to be toxic and harmful. She passed on some terrible financial habits that I had to learn to break out of. It took me years to realize that part of why I hate my own body is because she wasn't as body positive as I used to think. I remember one time she told me I look like a 'chunk of meat' because I was slouching at a table, in front of all guests and I don't think I ever stopped looking at myself in that manner. I was 11.
She was never physically abusive. I know others have had it so much worse. I was spoiled as a child. I was loved as well. But my mother lost her job and her health and she made mistakes. I don't think I can help her in the way she wants without losing myself. I will break my mother's heart but if I don't, I will just break down myself.