My Mother's Partner Called Me

[Deleted member 27340]

The world is so f*cked up and I am so freaked out.

 

[Friday]

The world isn't fair... So we try and make our little piece of it as fair as it can be.

Think about how you were right before the call. Literally nothing has changed

With my son... We work with what he can do. Both in an emergency, and you've already gone there, but what about in the moment? You have your emergency plans, yeah? How about non-emergency plans? Both from what you're working toward (goals for the future), and daily fun & normal things. Ways for you to start working in your own corner.

Living wih dangerous people, we get very used to making plans. If this happens, then I do this. If that happens, then I do that. But we tend to kind of suck at when there isn't an emergency. Ummm.... Wait. What do I do now??? Don't just wait for the shoe to drop. Peaceful times are scary, when we're waiting for the shoe to drop. When we're busy living our lives? Not so scary. We have emergency plans. Now, life plans.

 

[shandemonium]

Trauma,

I really feel your post as you and I have some things in common. I am 30 now, but I ran away from my mom when I was 13 and ended up in group homes.

Like you, the state did nothing to protect me, and my mother's rights were never fully taken (only temporarily) because like you, I didn't come in to the homes with bloody face or marks on me. I know how awful it can be to feel like the system will only help you if you purposefully put yourself in danger or take another beating! You DON'T need to take this route!

You and I were smart enough to get away before any more beatings, and the state seems to punish us as a result.

What I want to say to you is that I know how vulnerable it feels to be a "kid" in this situation (you're not a kid, but not yet a legal adult) because other people get to decide your fate. But you are safer right now than it may feel because you have an alternative home that you want to live in. Maybe it would help to make a "worse case scenario plan", not to scare yourself but to prepare. You are already living in fear and running these scenarios through your head which is understandable! Running them through with a plan might ease the fear, and involve your dad and grandma so they can back up your plans.

Do you guys have tasers in Norway that are legal to carry? public transportation? Crisis shelters/safe places? I only ask because these things could be part of a plan to make you feel safer.

I just kept running away over and over. I had a loving grandma (who couldn't afford to care for me) but she always gave me "calling cards"-(something from the 90s), so I could make phone calls from pay phones if I had no money.

Your dad and grandma seem to be your safe place, and that is very good in this situation. Think of them as the sanctuary, and all your emergency plans are to return to the sanctuary by any means necessary in the event of your worse-case-scenario.

If you see L or S at school, run away as fast as you can. Have an emergency cab money at all times. Get a monthly bus pass (or train). Get some pepper spray.

You have the right to defend yourself and stay away from people who are hurting you, no matter what anyone says!

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@shandemonium I plan what to do in the worse care scenario, I've always done, and the plans have always included protecting my sister an exposing her to the least stress possible. In this case priority #1 is getting my sister safe, which is fortunately not all that hard as my sister's school is only a couple hundred meters away from mine.

I don't know about tasers, but I know that any kinds of knives, guns or other weapons are strictly prohibited. You can get in trouble for carrying a small Swiss Army pocket knife, even a tiny scissor can be enough for you to be considered a threat. I do carry a pocket knife with me everywhere, though, no matter what.

My grandma is my safe place, not my dad. Only my grandma. But just like with two other grandparents of mine, she is too close to the rest of the family. I don't really trust anyone, what I wish the most is to just set off on my own. Heck, I'd rather live in a group home or child welfare institution (what we call them). At least I know how the child welfare and street work, all this family stuff is Greek to me.

If I see L and S I'll tell my friend, he'll get it (he knows a lot about my story), and then run off to my sister's school. There's about 5 different routes I can take to my sister, plus through the woods and a couple longer ones. I've always got a monthly bus pass. I don't have pepper spray, though.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@FridayJones My non-emergency plans are currently as simple as "get the hell out, do IB and buy a van". Which'll go for the next 4-5 years.

Thanks for helping, you're great, I just don't know how to respond. Kinda used up my writing quota on the other post there.

 

[Friday]

There are a couple layers to non-emergency plans.

Think of them like threat levels in the beginning. Like level 1 is how to spend a normal day with no threat at all. What do you enjoy doing? What are you working toward? (Be it homework or getting accepted into a new school or putting a portfolio together or sports... Whatever you're putting time and energy into -or want to be- that you're ditching in fight or flight mode). Level 2 is normal day but checking your emergency plans so you feel secure, and can breathe and do some grounding, then be able to take a step back instead of spending the whole day in your head. Maybe 15 minutes, instead of 15 hours. Or even 15 seconds. Just a mental check, and then can go back to your normal day. Level 3, 4, 5 etc. Little safety nets so that you only go from 0-60 in a true emergency. Something small pops up, and the net catches you, and you can drop back down into normal plans.

The other set of layers I reverse engineer. A) I look at my end goal, in this case flee the country in a mad rush... And I look at how I could either do that in a calm way that sets me up for success, or get the benefits of it without actually going that far. In this case, leaving the country with your English as good as it is, means you could attend boarding school or college in any English speaking country. Means finding schools for both you and your sister, researching funding or scholarships, getting your dad on board, getting help,from teachers setting up a portfolio & entrance package, letters of recommendation, etc. It's a big project, and would probably take a year or more to get off the ground... Done in little bits and pieces here and there. B) Is things known where I'm at as "work smarter not harder". You have confidentiality issues with therapy in Norway, and trust issues, so you won't seek 1:1 help. What's the end run around that? Find out if your dad would support you skyping therapy in London, or Johannesburg, or New York, or any other good therapist who takes on long distance clients. Whether he does or not, you can still check out psychology textbooks from colleges. Whether or not you might ever want to be a psychologist (most start in trying to sort out their own issues), these books have load of good information. I'd start in Lifespan Development before trauma & abnormal. But you're smart. Read. And the good stuff. Not pop psych on TV and magazines, but the real stuff. It's not a replacement for a therapist. Even therapists have therapists.

Both concepts take problems and work at them backwards.

It's a useful skill no matter where you go in life. From wanting to be a surgeon to wanting your child potty trained, from wanting to ace a test or a game . Look at the result you want and work backwards all the way to go. Then turn the problem on its side and look at other avenues. How can I sneak up on this from the side? It's like, if you like working on cars, you could do that in a chain garage for minimum wage, all the way to being pit crew at races, all the way to designing cars at a top firm. Which directions can this lead, and how could I get there? Break it into pieces. Turn them around. Reorder them. Uses the exact same skills of dealing with an emergency, to leading a really rich life.