My Mother's Partner Called Me

[Deleted member 27340]

I ran away from my mother (abusive, long story short: she's insane, been hospitalized loads of times and tried to kill people because they disagreed with her. Let's call her L) January 1st 2013. After months with cases up in the court, I finally got to stay with my dad.

Today L's boyfriend (S from now on) called me. S has a history of violence and alcoholism, as well as a lot of stuff with cannabis. He's freaking me out.

If L and S were to try to get me, I do believe they're smart enough to start at schools. None of them know where I live, they only know which town and that I'm in middle school. I didn't answer the call from S, but I did send him a message that read something along the lines of; "What do you want? I'm none of your business."

Now I'm EXTREMELY paranoid that they are around here in my town. I wasn't at school today because I'm sick, but I don't think I'm sick enough to stay home tomorrow as well. What if they check all the middle schools in town? There's only 5 of them so it's fully possible.

I'm literally freaking out. S didn't answer the message yet, and I have had no luck tracking neither of their phones. Any help, tips, or whatever?

 

[Justmehere]

Tell your dad about this. Don't respond to S or L if they contact you again.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I already told him, and my grandmother. There's really nothing we can do else than see what happens.

 

[Lucycat]

Might also be wise to get your Dad to tell the school so that they don't give out any information if asked.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I could tell the school myself, thing is it's impossible. My L has rights as a parent, and if she wishes she can just call the leader of the schools in my area and he will have no choice but to give her any information about me that she wants to know. Heck, she could get my whole journal from my T and have loads of material to use against me is she's like to! Yet another reason I absolutely don't want to be in therapy...

In my area a parent can't be held out. If she can prove to them that she is my parent, the law is in her hands when it comes to getting information. I feel like such an easy target... I'm so going to get the hell out of the country when I turn 18...

 

[Justmehere]

I don't know the laws in Norway, but I do think that there is good reason to think you will be ok.

If L has parental rights and the ability to find out where you are and to obtain information about you, chances are, she would have done that already. I know that this phone call with S is very frightening. You have already done the good step of telling your father. He can take further court action to protect you.

As far as your therapist giving your journal to your mother, that would be highly unlikely. Maybe it is legally allowed (it would not be allowed in my country) but it would be highly untheraputic. You are a very bright young person with a very clear head on your shoulders. You must think your therapist is at least a little good at what she does to share that sensitive information with her. If she is any good at all, she would know how horribly untheraputic and destructive to the therapy relationship it would be for her to give that info to L. So I think you are at least somewhat safe from that information getting to L and S.

I think a good next step would be to discuss your concerns with your therapist as soon as you can. Then you and the therapist can work out a plan to handle all of this. The more you keep talking and sharing, the more these safer adults can support you and keep you safe from L and S.

For now, do all that you can to remind yourself that in this moment now, you are safe. We are here to support you too. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 27340]

chances are, she would have done that already

Not necessarily. She is, frankly, not really clever. I passed her "mental level" or whatever you'd like to call it years ago, and I've always been quicker than her. Because of this I was considered a threat and fought against, but that's a whole other story... Anyway, I'm not really sure if she'd really even think of doing so. She's not just not clever, she's stupid. Also, she hasn't bothered trying to contact me the past months, not even for my birthday. Why S suddenly makes a call now, I don't know. It's confusing, really.

My father cannot really take any court actions to protect me. Norway's a little f*cked up that way, you see. It'll take you MONTHS, if not even years, to get anything like that through, because "It's their parent and children need both parents". It took us 7 months to change address after we ran away, and through the process we had the case in court 3 times + suing. Also I doubt that my father would do that, unless the situation turns critical (would be L and S actually finding me and/or my sister).

Maybe it is legally allowed

It is illegal to NOT do it. She CANNOT hold back information. She'd lose her job and risk losing lots of money if L reported her to the police.


I won't see my T in two weeks. Sharing is hard, I also have shared to anyone that would need to know. L and S can, sadly, do about whatever they want.



I just made a full plan in my head on how to run away out of the country with my sister if L and S were to f*ck up real bad...

 

[KwanYingirl]

Do L and S have the financial ability to try to find you? If they're always stoned, I'd expect them to be slugs on a couch somewhere. Maybe being nosey but not actually having the resources to find you.

Can you at least be told if either shows up at school? In the US everyone has to sign in at the office for everything and most schools have a police officer on duty.

My guess is they are too lazy to follow through with anything. Maybe harass you now and then on your phone. By the way, change your phone number and use a false name.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Yeah, they have. L just happen to get all the money my dad should get for (not) having two children to care for. I guess they're not always stoned, but who knows. S' apartment was wrecked my some burglar and he ended up never leaving L's place. As far as I know, most people that get their place completely wrecked and turned up-side down have something to hide or pissed off the wrong guys. If they wanted to, they could get down here.

Wow, so strict. Nay, here anyone can walk into the school building and the police just walk around drinking coffee. No way they'd waste money on having police officers stationed in schools.

Yeah, I hope so.


UPDATE: Just got an unreadable message from S as response to my message asking what he wanted. It's hard to ask for help understanding it, as it's in Norwegian and written in dialect (we've got about 2000 dialects and they're all freakishly weird) with the weirdest grammar... What I can understand is this (x for unreadable words): "ok the egoism live good the day you x would be all alone I couldn't help her x you"
Doesn't make sense AT ALL.

 

[RussH]

I do not know the laws in your country, so please allow me to ask a few questions:
Can you have L parental rights terminated?
Has S ever assaulted you, or threatened you? Can you get a restraining order against him?
I hope so.
Stay strong trauma.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Yes, but it would take ages because of our court system and takes more than what we have. Basically you'd need evidence like a video tape of something really violent and gory for them to take it serious enough.

No, I barely know him, else than he's just as insane as my mother.

Thanks.

 

[Friday]

Laws are similar here, unless the parent revokes their parental rights, even with restraining orders (we had 11 restraining and no contact orders, and there were still loopholes), and even if you don't have custody. Much less if you do. Especially in my region (the 2 parent nonsense is on my short list). My ex was proven abusive and dangerous and should not be allowed around children in court / he's banned from working around children, etc.. And in the next breath they have him 50% custody. So, fine. Everyone else's child is safe except for the child we're in court to protect?!? Yep. He's put our son in the hospital, and the moment he's out on bail (assuming they even arrest him) he's in the hospital and granted his "legal" parenting time. Which is where he threatens and terrifies our son into dropping any charges that might be filed against him. And people,don't believe there's nothing to be done, because no one wants there to be nothing to be done. Our state doesn't even allow video. Kids film their parent beating them (or the other parent) badly enough to go to the ICU, but unless the abuser gives their consent for the video to be used against them? It can't be admitted in court (Americans who are reading this, do not vote for laws that say you have to give your permission for recordings of you to be made/used! These laws are killing DV cases all over the country! But people are thinking of an embarrassing moment on Facebook, not a 5yo hiding in the closet filming with an iPhone while their mom is beat to death and sister is raped.)

But the fact of the matter is that abusive crazy parents are "shed"... At least in this country... By their own boredom. Most get bored, and don't want to assert their rights, and go away. Are only annoying from time to time. Until something makes them mad or spurs them to action.

That sounds like what the text is about. Trying to pick a fight. Trying to get worked up enough to do something. Or, better, for you to do it for them. Instead of getting up of their bums... They want to guilt you into sending money or coming home... Or to make them mad enough to do something. Kill them with boredom. Be boring. Don't engage. Text comes through? Take it to your dad. Let him screenshot it if he wants, and then delete the sucker.

As Mark Twain said... Never argue with stupid people. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.