My Mums Nearly Gone Not Sure How To Deal With It

[jaccat]

So sorry you are going through this. Like others have said don't worry about what you're supposed to feel.
I've been there, twice. I didn't have a standard reaction to either loss. Does that make me bad? No. My therapist summed it up. They were totally normal reactions to abnormal situations.
Don't try to turn her into something she isn't. Trust your feelings. Get support where you value it. And take care of yourself.

 

[Tanishq]

Don't try to turn her into something she isn't.

This is the thing which liberated me from the traps of my biological mother. She never loved me nor pays a little healthy attention towards me. It was very difficult, but somehow I learned I can't ask to her for maternal love, she just doesn't have it in her heart. When I accepted this fact, I began to move on. It was hard to accept, but today I am fine with that fact I will never get maternal love from her even though she has given birth to me.

I quoted this because it has helped me. May be @Sammyiam can find a way with this supportive thought from @jaccat.

 

[Ellabella44]

Sammy she might just not be capable of giving you love. Unfortunate on her part, that she is that way to you. As others have said, there's really no right way to feel. Thinking of you, be gentle on yourself no matter what happens.

 

[Nighthawk]

:hug: Sammy you have done more than you thought you would. I feel for you.

Here if you need me

 

[The Albatross]

Sammy, we've run the full spectrum in our family and with what I've witnessed as a caregiver and hospice volunteer. From isolating, contentiousness, and anger all the way to the other end where there has been a peaceful and loving "reunion" around the person before passing. The only thing I try to remember and keep in the forefront of my mind, is that in the end... how I close the relationship with the dying person will ultimately matter more after the fact... because it will be me who will live on after the family member has passed. How I closed the relationship with the person is just as much about my own process as the process of the dying person.

I set the bar rather high, and try to keep my focus on the needs of the dying person. I try to accept, that my needs/wants/wishes take a back seat to providing what support and care and compassion I can for the person. Whatever that means... by honoring boundaries, by offering up caring... by being calm and peaceful as I can muster so as not to distress them further.

Sometimes they soften, sometimes not... sometimes they are in command of their faculties, sometimes not.

A friend's mom hid her illness until she was near end of life and in the hospital as family members came to see her and were in shock about her state... she screamed at all of them to leave and stop staring at her. It was distressful for them and disturbing... except when they realized that she was deeply affected by having taken care of her husband at home with cancer in the 70's. They realized she didn't want that experience for herself and were able to rally together and realize that out of love for their mother, they would honor her wishes. They chose to have some family times outside and away from the hospital - get together's where they could work through it as a family without upsetting their mom. Not the same as the closure they independently wanted or needed from her... but a reasonable facsimile to meet the needs of the siblings and the extended family members and honor Carol's wishes at the same time.

In the end, when someone's passed on, the question I ask myself is if I did the best I could under each circumstance. If the answer is yes... though there are sometimes regrets about unmet needs I had... I can feel better about it. I hope this helps you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sorry you are going through this very complicated and hurting experience. You will feel numb most likely at first and then mabe even relief that you did the best you could with your mom being so unloving. You may cry very hard and need comfort because this is the end of your hopes with her that you will get some loving kindness from her.

When my dad died I just felt weird and then relief that never again would he be able to hurt me ever again. But I felt sad as well for he was my dad.

You are perfectly normal for what you have and what you are going through right now. You have my support and can pm me if you need to. Sending healing hugs and prayers for the both of you.

 

[Britt.f7]

There is no guaranteed way to feel. You are going to go through some emotions. They may be alien to you. You could always tell her how you feel. Though it sounds as if she is not open to this. I know what you want from her, but she may be unable to give that to you. It sounds like she won't.

When my mom died I went through some desperate grief. It was so deep. I would never have imagined the amount of pain I felt. This was after making up for my life growing up. I had some closure. Yet the grief was unbearable. Even my husband was surprised. That's why I say just pay attention to how you feel. Do not feel like you have to measure up to anyone's definition of what a daughter should do or be in these circumstances. Take care of yourself.

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi and thanks for everyone who has replied to my thread.

They are moving my mum from the hospital to the care unit again and putting her on palliative care, her liver and kidneys are shutting down now and is sleeping most of the time. :( who knows how long she will last, it feels really strange to even think it's going to be over soon. It s been nearly a year I am guessing from when she got sicker and it just seems to keep on going. I know we have not got a loving mum daughter relationship, not for the want of me trying. I rang her brother in law my dad's brother and he said that she will never change and I should stop visiting her ( I opened up and told him about how she treats me ) I got really upset when he said that she was really mean to my dad's mum when they first got together .... Over 65 odd years ago and she never changed she made her life hell he told me and never let anyone close to her, I just don't know why she has been like that, she just loves my sister to pieces and rubs it in my face every chance she gets.

I know it sounds really dumb and I know most of you say just to stop seeing her, but she is the only mum I will ever have and I really just so much want a mum to hold me tight and hug me :( and just keep a hold of me and never let me go just hold me tight and hug me forever and ever so I feel safe in her arms and don't have to face the world.

Even that's not going to happen now is it.

I just want my mum

Sammy

 

[ms spock]

I understand what you are thinking and feeling. It doesn't help, but I do understand.

 

[Nighthawk]

:hug: @Sammyiam I too want what you so desire. I am so sorry you never got this either. I am with you holding your hand if you accept. Feeling deeply about your situation.

 

[The Albatross]

@Sammyiam - work through it here on the forum and no, it doesn't sound dumb to me. I was able to have a relationship with my father in spite of most of the difficulties you bring up in your post about to the end of his life. It was hard, but I am not sorry I did it. Somehow to me, doing the harder thing at the end of his life made the regrets less. Your uncle's (?) opinion, for instance - bringing up pivotal moments in his relationship with her many years ago was likely ill timed considering the circumstances... but he most likely was trying to convey a decision he made for himself.

For what it's worth, my brother was my father's preferred sibling. My father was my first and longest term abuser. But, in the end... like you shared Sammy, my father was the only one I'd ever have... and I chose to honor the relationship, even if I couldn't recue the relationship with the man. Though he may have wanted to hug me (there were some awkward moments)... I couldn't allow it. But I could call him and check on him every day, I could and did assist him with allowing my brother to go to be with him before he died. I actually had a trip scheduled, and prepaid air fare and a hotel and a rental car... but as the travel date neared, he told me "I don't think I can make it til you're visit". And I told him, "Dad, I'll be okay." He died very shortly afterward.

It was a 9th hour very small thing. But by doing the more difficult thing, listening to my inner voice that told me to stick and go through the experience with my father... well, I never got his hug or full reconciliation but I did get to do my version of "right" because he is/was my father... and I got to hear myself tell him "Dad, I'll be okay".

As far as wanting your mom to hug you, keep you safe "so you don't have to face the world"... well shifting out of child mind and into adult mind if you can do so is more beneficial but of course as you deal not just with the relationship, the seriousness of your mom's health issues... but also the "death" of a fantasy that stemmed from a very real unmet want/need/desire... well, you got us to help you work through it or listen Sammy, 'k?

 

[Sammyiam]

@Ms Spock and @Nighthawk
Thank you very much, I know you have the same issues and I know that you feel the same as me on a lot of things, it means a lot that you are there.

@The Albatross,

Thanks for the replies, I have read them through a few times, and you are right in what you say, thank you for the information. You write with a very wise pen. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I went to visit on Thursday and she is pretty much just holding her own, they have no idea how long she can just tick along. It will be when the fluid takes over and puts to much stress on her heart or a major organ shuts down. Isn't the human body so amazing how it can just keep going, even under the hardest of circumstances.

I didn't think anything could get any worse but my friend has just told me that she has melanoma, she had it operated on and they have to re operate on it now. I just sat there and felt numb I couldn't believe what I was hearing. In the mail I got an invitation from the hospice for a four week grief course from when My adopted beach mum died on Mother's Day and I thought mmmm I wonder if you can do it in advance before my mum dies or for my other mum that passed away or for just both.

I just don't think I could go it's in a group and I find that I don't want to go anywhere, if a had the choice I would just curl up in a cave and never come out. I know that is a crappy attitude, but at the moment that is just how I'm feeling. I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere.