OCD My obessions and ocd like traits

[Melody coates]

so I've read about how many of you have OCD like traits and I can definitely relate. I'm constantly having inappropriate thoughts and images. Most of them are violent especially if I'm around other females. I obsess over my trauma as well which I know isn't healthy. that's why it's difficult for me to heal. I even have certain behaviors/habits that I can't control. the first one is growling, coughing, or clearing my throat. the perfect growl for me is one that isn't blocked with mucus. if it feels blocked I will cough to try and clear it then growl again. a friend of mine has noticed this about me and even has a joke on it. the second one is a little embarrassing. I like to smell books. I will repeatedly run the pages of books across my nose and inhale the scent. I've developed these habits at a young age and this is the first time I've ever spoken about them. My "maladaptive daydreaming" doesn't help either. I didn't mention any of this to the psychologist who evaluated me. mostly out of embarrassment. these habits really do distress me and I don't know what to do about them :(

 

[new gamma rays]

There's nothing like the smell of a book. I'm not being facetious with that one, I do that too. OCD is related to Tourettes too - which involves a lot of involuntary sounds and movement. I'm not saying that you have that, that's just something to consider. I don't know how to classify the growling thing, maybe its more of a compulsion - an itch that begs to be scratched. OCD was my original MI and it shape shifted on me over the years, as I grew older it definitely involved more intrusive thoughts. I know I still have OCD running through my mind, but it feels like PTSD is whats running my brain now - and the OCD is kind of drowned out by it.

 

[Friday]

I'm ADHD-c... Which shares some symptoms with OCD. Fortunately I've got 5 or 6 thought streams running at any given time, so I can shunt most of my obsessions down one of those rabbit holes while I deal with something else (I've got an exceptionally well trained forgettery). The impulses and tactile things are a little harder to regulate (or at least hide). Especially if I'm not paying attention to hiding them (like when my PTSD is jamming all channels).

You know... It's honestly kind of fun sometimes... all the shared stars in our constellations.

Clearly, PTSD is where our Ven Diagrams all overlap... But comorbidity -or even PTSD expressing something in an otherwise neurotypical brain- is really kind of fascinating. Almost beautiful. Actually, the lit up constellations in my mind are downright beautiful. They come with both sight and music. But I never know how well I translate them.

Don't get me wrong. PTSD effing sucks, and I hate it. Sometimes the more I hate something, the more I'm compelled to look for the beauty in it, though. Look for the facets. Turn it on it's ear. Find the outs, the workarounds, the possibilities. Break it down. Reorder it. Mess with it. Like a Rubix cube, turning and twisting. Sometimes that means I end up hating it less. Sometimes I hate it more. The more I know PTSD, the more I hate it. At present. Bloody furious with it at present.

But I look around us, and there is beauty and complexity in these moments, as well.

And yep! @new gamma rays ... Exactly. I've always been ADHD, and it accents certain PTSD stuff.. But it's the PTSD stuff that's running the show at present. For the past few years.

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- I growl. I spent several years turning it into a purr (that's ADHD training, right there... Take something obnoxious, and transmute it into something that annoyed other people less while giving me the same satisfaction), but I do growl. I also periodically have the urge to bite. Hard. Half werewolf, me.

- Daydreaming is the name of the game in ADHD-i, and half the game in ADHD-c. Both totally fictionalized, as well as real; repeating old events and new possibilities. Different from flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts. Have those, too. The difference between controlled, manageable, uncontrollable, and compulsive. Sometimes ADHD tricks work on the intrusive stuff. Haven't found anything that works on flashbacks. Yet. That Rubix cube is pissing me off. If I could peel the stickers off it, I damn well would. Yo. Brain. Once was enough. Also, if you deign to listen to me for once, brain... How about upping my metabolism? Like a lot. Sigh. My mind and my brain are at war.

- Sensory stuff in a huge way. I walk through the world feeling everything with many senses as possible. Intentionally, impulsively, compulsively, unconsciously. Books is a big one. Smell, for sure. They absorb the odors of where they've been, so they're all different. It's a lot like drinking wine. So they tell more than one story. What's written, as well as where they've been. Love that. Usually. I used to steal books from places (and people) I loved, ziplock them, just to be able to "smell home" or be reminded of a person, place, or time.