My Partner Knows My Trigger And Does It Anyway

[gist]

Hi!

This is my first post. Without going into too much detail, I had a mentally ill dad who refused to comply with medications. Being "crazy" (or, in my mind, like him) is an intense phobia/fear (because it's partly rational genetically) of mine. I told my fiance this before we even started dating. I told him that, no matter how mad he ever got at me, that I could not handle him calling me any version of "crazy" unless it was actually true.

It's been half a decade, and he still does (repetitively and nastily during almost every fight). I never put a label on what I have before, but it's pretty clear it's PTSD. I finally broke down and told him that point-blank; and I told him that his repetitive use of my biggest trigger was incredibly damaging to me both mentally and emotionally. Instead of FINALLY understanding a little bit, he insisted that not only was I wrong to ask him not to use that language, but that I also was not PTSD, but rather borderline personality (bpd) (one of my dad's illnesses) and went further to say that I was like him and that it just made sense.

I don't want to swear, but WTF?! He's not a psychiatrist, he has no experience, and my actual psychiatrist does not believe me to be bpd. I've been trying to make him understand, even if it's just 1% of how the triggers affect me, for years. But he refuses to believe anyone but himself. He thinks my request is ridiculous.

Can someone help me?

 

[Rumors]

Yikes! Sounds to me like someone who has that little respect for someone they "love" needs a swift kick! I hope you respect yourself enough not to put up with that and lay some boundaries for acceptable behavior. I can't tell you to leave him, but I sure wouldn't stay put and allow him to be a bully!!! He is a bully and perhaps that behavior in his other relationships worked but given he isn't married to someone else, it could be that it didn't work!!

Take care of yourself!! Hang in there!

 

[safenow]

You are not going to like my response. From my point of view, I'd say dump the dude. Since he is doing this crap on purpose, that tells me he is emotionally abusive. That makes him toxic in my book. I don't stay with anyone that is toxic to me.

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Lots of good people here who I"m sure will give you better answers than mine is. There is also a lot of good information here.

Good luck, with what ever you decide is right for you.

 

[Mcll]

He's not right for you, stop wasting your time on him.

 

[TLight]

I'm in the same place. When he falls short and doesn't do what he says he's going to do and instead goes and plays with his buddies, he knows it's a damn intense trigger for me. Sets me back for several days, makes me suicidal, etc. Yet when I call him on it, he denies everything, says I'm an alter and is going to call the cops. Plays the crazy card every time. For years now. Oh, yeah, there's days of make ups, flowers, working hard, says he's wrong..........who suffers worst here.

One night he watched me hauled off in handcuffs to a psyche ward...........my Dad was a cop and handcuffed and beat me silly while doing perverted sexual stuff.

Nice husband. I'm on my way out. Can't do it anymore. I'd say the same for you.

 

[Abstract]

It isn't acceptable for him to behave like this. I hope you can work on boundaries with him. I would say that if you are not at the point of leaving him then joint therapy with a therapist that you trust is a must.

It is pretty impossible to heal if we are in an environment that is undermining and unkind.

 

[gist]

I'm in the same place. When he falls short and doesn't do what he says he's going to do and instead goes and plays with his buddies, he knows it's a damn intense trigger for me. Sets me back for several days, makes me suicidal, etc. Yet when I call him on it, he denies everything, says I'm an alter and is going to call the cops. Plays the crazy card every time. For years now. Oh, yeah, there's days of make ups, flowers, working hard, says he's wrong..........who suffers worst here.

That's awful. I'm sorry.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Controlling, Mean and a liar! Run for the hills. I lived it for 24 years and been out for 9 years thank god I am still here. I thought they broke the mold when my x was born. Guess not. Take care of yourself Tlight. You deserve better.

 

[Ricanoland]

He's not a psychiatrist, he has no experience, and my actual psychiatrist does not believe me to be bpd. I've been trying to make him understand, even if it's just 1% of how the triggers affect me, for years. But he refuses to believe anyone but himself. He thinks my request is ridiculous.

You are 100% right, he is not in a position to say what you have or don't have. He really doesn't have a right to say anything to you, when he won't listen to you. If he won't believe you on you're word (some men are very thick-headed) ask him to come to you're next psychiatric visit (have you're doctor to explain it for him) , if he doesn't want too, he doesn't want you for the real you, that may be a clue. No one ever wants to leave when in love, but sometimes you have to leave love, to find out it's real meaning.

 

[WillyKat]

You deserve better.

I have a similar issue, sort of. My wife knows exactly where in when to hurt me and trigger me. Me having what I have, regardless if I call it depression or what it is, PTSD, is all lumped together. In her way of thinking, it's weakness.

I'm less important to her than her precious objects (cups, plates, tablecloths. She doesn't recognize that she has issues: she seems obsessive-compulsive, a perfectionist, hard-driving (to what I don't know). And I just don't meet her standards of perfection; I'm a big disappointment.

I know I need to get out of this, but am afraid that the stress of a divorce will be my undoing.

 

[safenow]

I know I need to get out of this, but am afraid that the stress of a divorce will be my undoing

What do you think the stress of staying is doing to you?

Gentle hugs, if you'll allow them.

 

[TLight]

Great point. I've put it up with for four years now and I'm more unstable than ever.