Sufferer My Ptsd Introductory

[PandaBear12212]

Hello everyone, I thought I might introduce myself and see if anyone would like to talk with me and share similar experiences. My name is Paloma, and I have been suffering with post traumatic stress disorder for 4 years now due to a severely abusive relationship with an ex-boyfriend. For privacy sake, I'll call him Andrew*. I met Andrew my freshman year of high school. After 8 months, he raped me. I was 15. He would also emotionally abuse me as well, calling me his "b***h", telling me to lose weight, etc. He would beat me, pin me, choke me, and hold weapons to my throat. The first incident of rape was in October, 2011. In February, 2012, I found out I was pregnant. When Andrew* found out, I pleaded with him saying he could leave me and I would take care of the child myself or at least put it up for adoption, and that I wouldn't tell anyone what he did to me if he just left me and the baby alone. However he said "You have no choice." And the abuse continued, resulting in a miscarriage 2 months later.

We broke up in June, 2012 when I refused to let him come over to my house knowing that I would just be abused again, and he broke up with me. For 8 months every night I had the same recurring dreams of Andrew, and my miscarried baby. The following year I was severely harassed in school by Andrew* and his friends, and even his mother would send me harassing texts. I have had issues with self harm, resulting in over 300 scars. I have also broken my leg during a suicide attempt. Since then I have been diagnosed with anorexia, depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I have also been to the hospital for suicidal ideation. I am relapsing very hard right now and I feel I have reached my lowest point. I'm having many violent disturbing thoughts of suicide. I may be forced to return to the hospital as early as tomorrow.

 

[Tormented Parts]

You didn't just end up with an abusive shit of a man by accident. I believe it's predisposition. We tend to seek out those whom we know or have been exposed to as being a man / father-figure. Breaking the pattern and finding healthy loving relationships start by living and knowing yourself and except nothing but what you know is the real thing.

Real love does not hurt this way. Real love does not break your mind and confuse your worthiness , or sense of self.

 

[anthony]

I believe it's predisposition.

I will disagree with that belief.

Society has groups. We interact within them every day. School has groups within each level. Just by being in a specific level, most only hang around with others from the level, in awe of those above and awed by those below them, feared even, both ways. We put ourselves within the group that we feel represents us best at that time in our life. It by no means determines who we are, but more only who we are at that given stage in our life. A lifetime is complex and changes vastly through age and experience.

Unfortunately @PandaBear12212 you're young, impressionable, and were simply very unlucky to fall for a douche who abused you. It isn't your fault, and you have no predisposition to such abuse. You now have experience of trauma which nobody at your age should have, yet this seems to be the world we live within where such things continue to happen. You can work through the trauma, you can recover and get on with your life... but it will take a lot of hard self work.

 

[intothelight]

Hi PandaBear,

Welcome to the forum! :)

Get the help that you need to overcome the abuse that you experienced. It may not seem like things will get better at this point, but with the right therapy and a lot of hard work, you can reclaim yourself and your life.

Debbie

 

[Deleted member 20280]

It isn't your fault, and you have no predisposition to such abuse

I would totally agree with Anthony on this one point. I was abused by numerous adults and other peers alike over a sustained period of time. When I took my main abuser to Court over what he did to me there was no history at all of abuse in either his or my upbringing.

After i escaped my abusive upbringing I fell in love wit a fantastic woman who had suffered no abuse at all. I didn't fall for anyone who had been an abuser or even suffered abuse. We fall for people on many a time first impressions.

You are young still and have come to the right place for support by simply posting your introduction on here.

I know that you will receive great support here at the forum from both sufferers and supporters alike.

You can work through the trauma, you can recover and get on with your life... but it will take a lot of hard self work.

Again as anthony says above this is oh so very true. I went through hell when I was first diagnosed 10 months ago. I have yes, been very very lucky in my progress with recover like I have. Ten months to be at the point I am now at compared to the many who can take years to even be able to interact on the most basic of levels.

You are still very young and with the right therapist and the correct support when not in therapy. I am sure that you will come to realise that 'you' are the 'victim' and that the services are there to help you.

Massive cyber :hug: if you will accept it
From one sufferer to another

laurie

 

[PandaBear12212]

lol accepted. But when I met Andrew*, he had a complete front on. He was nice to me, he would compliment me all the time, he would respect me, treat me like a princess really. Things started changing at 3 months when he would ask very sexual questions, like when my cycle was, if I shaved, etc. I was too young to realize the signs. I had no previous experiences with abuse with males/father figures/etc. I was just fooled by a devil.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I was just fooled by a devil.

Too True in many cases, I was nine years old when I was first groomed by my babysitter. I will not go into detail but to state that what went on for the next 4 years was horrific.

He groomed me for months and then the abuses started. I was a young boy back then and I may have been 6 years younger than yourself when it started but age as a child really has little to do with an abuser intent on hurting others.

Always remember "You are the victim" Unfortunately the way you were groomed and treated is the same for many abuse victims.

Keep strong Paloma

Laurie

 

[PandaBear12212]

What do you mean when you say groomed? Like pre-prepared for abuse? Like when he would tell me to shave, or do certain things that led up to the abuse? And seeing as how young we both were...it just sucks that it feels like I was so young and yet I'm gunna have to live with this hell every single day for so long. Like I wish if I HAD to have this done to me it was when I was like 40 so I knew I only had to live with it for 40 years rather than 70+ you know?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I have sent you a private conversation @PandaBear12212 . I am more than happy to chat with you any-time.

I am 43 years old next Sunday and only discovered that I had C-PTSD last may when I had a major breakdown. I know anyone saying that this can get better and you can recover from PTSD is hard for many to hear but I will say openly that for me, I have all but recovered in the last ten months.

With therapy at a very aggressive level as my employers paid for my therapy to try and keep me employed (they appreciated me - but had to let me go as I could not cope with this and being employed at the time. One thing I found very helpful was however corny it sounds 'This Forum' and the people who are on here.

I will say it again as I have on other people threads. Without @anthony and @Nicolette I for one would not be able to go out on a daily basis or even be able to function 'Normally - (whatever normally really is)'

I really do owe a debt of gratitude to both of them for setting this forum up.

Keep safe and stay strong

Laurie

 

[anthony]

He was nice to me, he would compliment me all the time, he would respect me, treat me like a princess really.

That is basically grooming you. Another word equally as good is, he "manipulated" you. Plenty of people get abused at various ages... youth does not make you dumb to abuse. Abusers do the same thing to adults... they groom them with niceties, then they pounce. It has nothing to do with you, and is all them.

Saying that, most relationships begin with that honeymoon period. Lots of compliments, being extreme with niceties and such... then reality sets in and the relationship changes. Saying that, the majority of men do not abuse their partners, hence it is not you, it is the abuser. You can't pick them when they basically follow the same course that any relationship would, up until they decide to rape you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum! :)

What do you mean when you say groomed?

I was groomed. You are not alone in the confusion it caused.

 

[PandaBear12212]

What I also hate is that he was my first everything. First kiss, first "time". Even though I still don't count him as my first time because it wasn't consensual. But now whenever people ask "fWho was your first kiss/first time?" Or when they ask "Have you ever had sex before?" I get extremely upset and extremely angry.