My resistance to doing ifs and more

[lostforgottensoul]

I haven't done IFS, though I am intrigued by it. I can feel 4 seperate ages in my head, seperare from my adult self. They feel more seperate then what I read as most trauma survivors seem to but not as much as DID. They had names during the trauma but I dropped the names when I left and I'm not intrested to give them names again. Why do you have to name it?

But, I don't think I've ever spoken to them directly in a letter. I do carry full on conversations in my head with them but I-ve tried writting letters to them and that makes me frustrated. They express themselves by writting letters to others themselves. I wrote one on here "The Wounded Child" and don't remember writting it. That was a bit of a scary moment for me.

But, have you tried giving them a voice in that way? Letting them express themselves? Just the child? It seems to help me relieve that anger and frustration which is my children parts trying to express how they feel usually. Maybe give that a go and see if it helps?

 

[Orange Phone]

From my understanding of IFS. and just read J Fisher's book, is that its not the emotions that are "childlike" but the responses are- flight, vigilance, escape, shame and neediness. They were necessary and adaptive then but maladaptive now. So the feeling are just feelings.. its the process of dealing with them. But as we meet the needs we can hopefully find healthier ways to deal with the "inner child part" as they rise up. And to accept that the idea they are coming to help is actually "good." I know I get angry when I do this stuff and I need not to.
At least my understanding.. and that is limited... lots to learn...

 

[hithere]

I'm using IFS as one of my therapy tools. I too resist. However, I find this therapy THE one that has helped me the most. More than EMDR. Having said that, there were times I just didn't understand something at all, but a few months later I get the "aha" I agree 100% with Eve. There are polarizing parts that fight each other. The whole mindfulness, "look inside" "make space" etc. actually works, but it may take awhile to get into "it" or what IFS calls "Self" Calm, Wise, Curious Self. There are many reasons for the resistance- one a part was so mad that I had to be the one to take care of myself, it didn't seem fair at all. That part wanted someone else to take care, nurture, etc. So I used drawing, coloring, playing with play dough and just gave into that part, giving voice to it, let it speak, let it express itself for as long as it wants. Don't resist it, don't call it childish, because it really IS a child. Accept it. Welcome it. Look at it. What does it look like. What's it's doing? Etc. Sometimes I'll be resting doing something "mindless" and then I will start to have some type of negative trigger response, and I will stop "look inside" watch and see and it's amazing there really is a part there that has something to say. The dangerous part of IFS though is that these protectors hold pain, that's one of their jobs. So of course there is resistance to hear what they have to say because my problem is the intensity of that pain is indescribable. So I have to slow it down because I have a part that carries the SI. That's a firefighter. I had to really get in touch with it, and negotiate with it and give it another job. I could not have been able to do any of that without the help of my t. So the t gave suggestions for other jobs--when the SI part is trying to help the situation, thank it, understand it is trying to help, then ask it do another job like get all the other parts to go into rooms or do a meditation or listen to music, whatever. This may not make sense. From the position of parts it is ALOT easier for me to do the nurturing things-otherwise I just know what I'm supposed to do, but won't do it. When doing IFS it is natural, very natural to be nurturing. But it has hands down been the most helpful tool to very, very quickly access those areas and settle them down. None of it can really happen unless you are in "self" and a lot of times the parts are blended and it feels like self but it isn't. If there is any "hating" of a part that is not Self. That's another part. Self doesn't hate-but is very welcoming and calm, and understanding. Listen to the part that you don't like the most--and learn that it has wonderful, creative intentions to help. It's just stuck in a totally different time zone. I decided that resisting IFS was fine, and I could resist until parts were ok with changing. Because they do change, they know they will change, so they resist because they don't want to disappear. I have to reassure myself they will not disappear, just take on new roles. I don't even know if I'm making sense! ha! I say be patient, keep with it, you will discover wonderful things about you- your parts are all awesome and you'll enjoy discovering yourself. (I just said that from self, haha! we'll see how long that lasts for me!) Derik Scott has some nice you tube vids on the subject. btw. I think they are helpful.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Because they do change, they know they will change, so they resist because they don't want to disappear. I have to reassure myself they will not disappear, just take on new roles.

This resinates with me. The entire post did but this specificlly. I've felt a dread. A doom lately. I don't want to let my inner children go. My parts. Whatever you want to call them. They talk, a lot. Its super chatty in my head. But I never want to loose touch with them. And ive had a sense of dread lately about that.

Sorry, I dont want to take over the thread. Thinking of bringing up IFS to my therapist and see what he thinks about it. It's super intriguing to me as it resonates so well with me. I have always had touch with these parts since as long as i can remember.

 

[ILoveLife]

I've done IFS and still apply it on occasion.

In my case, the child parts were playing adults as the adult parts were too exhausted to do anything.
The protectors that are interfering with your IFS work are important too and definitely should be validated. Maybe you're going too fast on your therapy, work or other areas of your life and they're telling you to slow down, hence the resistance.
In any case, I stopped doing parts work because I want to feel whole and not further divided. Its okay to not wanting to work on yourself that way too.

 

[hithere]

I've done IFS and still apply it on occasion.

I agree with Sietz, it's totally ok to not want to work on yourself this way. Just because it's helpful for me doesn't mean it will work for someone else or will be as helpful.

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks all for the feedback and thoughts. It's been hard for me to type a response to this post - I think because of the resistance itself and that this all feels super vulnerable for me to write about. So hold my words lightly as a person very much in process with this topic.

I’m not exhausted or resistant because of the speed of my life or therapy being too fast or because of trying IFS. I'm tired because of PTSD symptoms, of which, yes I have many coping skills to manage... but damn it, PTSD is exhausting. I'm tired because I have PTSD symptoms holding me back in life and multiple therapists keep pointing to various forms of IFS work as the way to work through my resistance. And it did work so damn well when I was at the specialized intensive program...

The only study I’ve found on IFS found it about as equal in effectiveness as CBT. That's promising.

When IFS gives me a new way to change my thoughts and actions to more helpful ones, I function as an adult better, and I'm gung-ho to give it a try.

When IFS is all about labeling anger as Jane Doe (which is where a past therapist tried to take it, and even my current therapist wanted names), or labeling resistance as a protector... rather than just resistance... I get a bit lost and really hesitant to use it. I don’t really see how that gets me to more integrated and a less symptomatic self. It just seems like it’s dividing myself up more than I already am. I want to say, "but it's me, it's all me." It's not someone else. I think that's why I personally like using "ego states" instead of "parts." Because somehow, in my brain, it's more me. All me. Just in different states. Like you know, ice and steam are both still water, just in different states.

The child ego states are there, regardless if I label them or not. They show up too damn much through symptoms, and they (me!) try to be an adult and do adult things while fighting kid-like feelings? If we go down the IFS parts road further than I usually do, and the kids are acting like adults and the adult in me is NOT properly managing/helping the kids. I'm not actually sure how protector ego states fit. What would they be protecting me from? If they are holding the adult ego state back from handling the child ego state well, then that protector part is an a**hole. (In my opinion.) Hmm. I probably just don't quite get it.

I was sitting on a train yesterday, exhausted. Irritated as all get out by EVERYTHING because my stress cup overruneth. I thought about all of this, and tried to connect to what I felt in my body. I felt pain and I was cranky. I tried CBT and mindfulness and so on. It helped, but my nerves were still fried. I would have gotten home just fine either way, but I decided to try an experiment. I tried to think of what an adult would say to a cranky kid. I said to myself, "Almost home. Hang in there, we are almost home. When we get home, we can get the warmest blanket out and..." I was interrupted by an equally cranky security guard questioning me about my service dog, but it didn't get to me at all. I was more settled. With a moment, just a moment, of that kind of parental-like kindness in my head.

Why didn't "soon I will be home" work as well as "almost home, hang in there, we are almost home"? "I" feels more normal. "We" settles me more. Argh.

Doing it IFS-styled (maybe?) lead to my nerves settling much more than otherwise. I was more adult and could handle life better. I guess the re-parenting part of IFS works for me. I REALLY don't like having to do it as "when we get home...." though. The inpatient trauma therapist said the need to do it in that third person "we" kind of way would fall off over time. It would become more automatic. "I can get the warmest blanket when I get home..."

But it concerns me all the same. Like I'm doing it wrong. At the same time, I could do worse things to cope with PTSD symptoms than an occasional "we" thought in my head. It just seems like going backwards though?

Expressing child ego states, I mean, just the moment of talking with a slightly different tone of voice to my therapist... FREAKS ME OUT. I hate vulnerable. I hate feeling small. And it's just really.... uncomfortable? It feels really weird. My therapist keeps reassuring me this is all fine. "It's progress!" She keeps reassuring me I'm not creating parts/ego states that are not there, I'm just building the path to integrate what is already there.

I guess I'm really mixed up. I feel like I'm trying to bite my own teeth by even trying to write about this. lol. Thanks all for reading, for the support, and for helping me feel a lot less alone in trying to sort this out.

 

[scout86]

I really admire your perseverance and determination. (Just had to say that!)

My T uses a bunch of different approaches, including this one, but, for what ever reason, he never names the method. (Possibly because when, in the beginning, he explained how he usually does things, a whole bunch of mental walls flew up. LOL) My usual reaction to the "parts" thing is "I don't know nothin' 'bout no parts!"

But, there ARE "parts" as in "aspects of our personalities". "Part of me wants to do this. Part of me wants to do that." That kind of thing. My theory is that that is basically what this is about. They've just chosen to make it more elaborate and complicated. Maybe that helps some people. (Doesn't seem to help ME very much, at least not yet.)

My T has said, often, that the a lot of the stuff that's "symptoms" now started out as being somehow adaptive. It had a useful purpose. (Like trying to keep you alive.) It's possible it never was the best plan, but it was the best your brain could come up with at the time. (Considering maybe you were a little kid, for example.) Things change. Your map of reality needs to get updated to be more accurate. But this stuff doesn't automatically update. He also says these "parts" aren't going to just go away, they need a job. You can, apparently, give them a new one. I've supposedly got a "part" that thinks I need to wake up hourly, all night long. Haven't managed to get that part a better, more useful job, yet. But I think I HAVE reached some kind of understanding with the "she'd be better off dead" part. (She, in that case, would be me.)

"I" feels more normal. "We" settles me more. Argh.

Good question! I never thought about this until you mentioned it, but, in my head, I rarely think "I should do this." I think "You should do this." Weird!

What would they be protecting me from?

Everything. Well, everything "they" think is a threat. But, it might be everything that seems like a threat, to the person you were at some point in the past. Because the whole past/present thing is kind of confused with PTSD, you know? So, I tended to react to my mother when she was 80 and a frail little old lady as I did when I was 2 and she was an actual threat. In that case, it was possible to get somewhere just reminding myself she was old and frail and a long ways away. It's not always that easy, but I think it's the same general idea. Those "parts" are trying to protect you from "dangerous" people, places, and things. It's just that, sometimes, they're operating based on old, out dated information, and might have some kind of odd ideas of what's helpful.

I'm really glad you started this thread! It's nice to know there are other people who don't like this approach, or resist the idea. I thought that was just me, being a bad client. Good to know I've got company. I'm guessing that means I'm not the only person my T has had who reacted this way. Apparently it's an actual "thing".

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I personally like using "ego states" instead of "parts."

See, I like "parts" because they feel like parts. They feel like "they". I know they are all of me but they feel seperated. Maybe think of "them" like parts of you. Different parts of you as a whole?

I'm not actually sure how protector ego states fit. What would they be protecting me from?

In my case pain and what's preceived as danager. Which pain is also precieved as danager.

Expressing child ego states, I mean, just the moment of talking with a slightly different tone of voice to my therapist... FREAKS ME OUT.

Personally my tone never changes. But I get more child like in my body language and word choices. But my tone of voice never changes.

They like expressing themselves in writing. None of them will come foward like that physically except for my therapist. I do notice, though, that at work that happens. I try to become smaller physically and try to melt into the floor (or so it feels).

I hate vulnerable. I hate feeling small. And it's just really.... uncomfortable? It feels really weird.

I think vulnerability feels uncomfortable for us all. It does to me. But, my therapist tends to say that it's because im outside of my comfort zone but moving outside of our comfort zone is how we grow, change, heal. Constantly moving that comfort zone line by moving out of it constantly. But, that's super uncomfortable. There's also a lot of pain there and maybe that's some of why it's uncomfortable for you?

 

[ILoveLife]

The talking to ourselves in the third person is part of the reparenting... Its comfortable to have someone say were safe, or almost safe. Due to being abused, we tend to put our abusers in that third person place, part of the IFS work is to trust ourselves to process the unthinkable in a safe space, meaning different parts working together to beat the loneliness of being abused.
If this makes sense.
Sorry just now thought of replying. Not sure if you solved this resistance yet.

 

[ms spock]

Over the past few years, I’ve made a lot of decent progress in every area of my battle with PTSD.

That is fantastic news! WAY TO GO!

 

[ms spock]

I can’t find the whatever in me to talk to myself like a good parent would to an upset traumatized child.

You write this as if it is an easy thing to do. In my experience it is a big shift. Beating yourself up for continuing to beat yourself up for not being able to stop beating yourself up - well I know this dance well.

I don't really have any answers but what I am working on is Self Compassion, which I have been working on for a number of years now. Istarted out small and built up bit by bit. Kristin Neff has a "Tips for Practice" part on her website on Self Compassion, and all the exercises and audio is there for you to read or download for free. So maybe dip your toe in to that one, and then give yourself a timeline of having a few years to learn how to do it. Might help, might not but it is a suggestion.

Instead I’m just pissed and exhausted and avoidant and isolating.

I send good wishes and disco vibes.

All I have to do is find the whatever in me to talk to myself like a good parent would to an upset traumatized child. It may not work but damn it, the current onslaught of frustrated self abusive thoughts isn’t working.

LMAO All I have to do.. wow! It is not that easy... and you are beating yourself up for not knowing or having the skills you need for the next part of your journey! Wow!

Yes, I have other ways to cope, but they only go so far. The whole time it’s like I’m limping. When I just deal with this head on, it’s like things settle out so much better.

So it is a good theory but you can come side ways at it a little by little so you don't freak yourself out.

How do I move forward? I’m so freaking exhausted.

You have to rest up a bit.