Orglethorp
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Even though my sister is only 21 and 4 years younger than me, we both know that she'll become a mother first, and that it'll happen sooner rather than later. She's been thinking about weddings and starting a family a lot lately. The other day she asked me what we'll tell our future children about our own childhoods. She insists that we have to say the same things, so that our kids don't get conflicting stories from their cousins, and while I do see the wisdom there, we disagree on what/how to tell them.
This is a concern that I've obsessed over for short periods many times in the past and never really sorted out for myself, but now I have the new issue of letting my little sister have input on what I should and shouldn't say. My first instinct when she brought this up a few days ago was to be offended, though I tried not to show it. We were both physically and emotionally abused, we were both abandoned in public places, and we were both exposed to drugs, pornography, violence and alcohol abuse at the hands of our father, but there are some major differences between our experiences. I was raped repeatedly for the last 3 years that he was in our lives, and she was not. I'm terrified of driving, I fear drunkenness, and I have intrusive thoughts of violent acts and accidents. She couldn't wait to get her license, started drinking well before she was legal, and doesn't know how prevalent those thoughts are for me. I've struggled with self harm since I was 2 years old. No, that isn't a typo. I have unusually clear memories of my very early childhood, and I remember pinching my fingers in closet doors just to feel the pain and make red lines on my fingertips at the age of 2. I didn't start doing things that would leave scars until my late teens, but now I do have prominent scars on my arms and legs. My sister considered harming herself, but has never done it.
To be clear, she does have PTSD as well, but it has affected her differently.
She's specifically concerned with what to say when our future children ask why their grandfather isn't in the picture. She wants a short and sweet answer that will prevent further questions, but isn't a lie (no telling them that he's dead) and won't frighten them (no just saying "he was a very bad man"). She also doesn't want to say that he left us, because she doesn't want to leave room for them to imagine a good man. While I agree that this is a good sort of answer for small children, we disagree on when to say more, and we disagree on what we'll say.
I think it goes without saying that I should not (and would not) ever share graphic details of my abuse with my kids or hers when they're young, and probably not even when they're in their early/mid teen years, but I don't think that they should be left with no details at all if they're asking, and I don't agree with withholding that sort of information from older teens and young adults. They're only going to accept "he used to hurt me when I was younger" for so long before they want to know what that means. When and what should I say? She thinks that should be all we ever say until they're adults.
She does not (currently) have any places that she can't go because of her PTSD, but I do. She knows that I hate the PNE (fair grounds & theme park in Vancouver) because of events surrounding our abuse, but she thinks it's stupid that I don't think I'll ever be able to go their with my children. She has said more than once that I'm going to be a boring parent because of it. I'm not sure if she remembers that I was raped there. I've been back once since our father walked out of our lives, and I was fine until we reached the midway where the games and food stalls are, because it was close to the specific spot where I was raped, and I got physically sick there. I had to stay in the park because it was a senior year field trip in high school for physics class (measuring G forces on a roller coaster, anyone?) but I kept having panic attacks after that until we left. I have never gone back there since, with the exception of attending one concert at the Orpheum theatre on the same property, but we parked as far away from the fair grounds as possible and I still felt really uneasy whenever we weren't in the building. There are other places I simply cannot go because I get the same reactions, and they're all the sort of places I would otherwise want to take my kids to. There is a specific swimming pool, for example, that's absolutely off limits because of the multiple rapes that I endured in the family changing rooms. I've actually been triggered by the smell of chlorinated water in other locations as well. (On a related note, I have no idea how I'm going to handle family changing rooms in general when the time comes!) My sister, on the other hand, can't wait to take her kids there because it's a wave pool with a water slide, and it's where we both learned to swim.
How am I supposed to explain to my future kids why I won't take them to the biggest theme park in the province? What am I supposed to tell them when Auntie Jess wants to take them to the pool at W.C. Blair and I won't go along? This was already going to be difficult enough without my sister not wanting me to tell any of our future kids much about our father at all.
What am I supposed to tell those future kids (both mine and hers) about my scars? I am not ashamed of my scars, and I do not wish to hide or diminish them, but I am also not comfortable with the thought of telling my children and nieces & nephews about self harm.
This is a concern that I've obsessed over for short periods many times in the past and never really sorted out for myself, but now I have the new issue of letting my little sister have input on what I should and shouldn't say. My first instinct when she brought this up a few days ago was to be offended, though I tried not to show it. We were both physically and emotionally abused, we were both abandoned in public places, and we were both exposed to drugs, pornography, violence and alcohol abuse at the hands of our father, but there are some major differences between our experiences. I was raped repeatedly for the last 3 years that he was in our lives, and she was not. I'm terrified of driving, I fear drunkenness, and I have intrusive thoughts of violent acts and accidents. She couldn't wait to get her license, started drinking well before she was legal, and doesn't know how prevalent those thoughts are for me. I've struggled with self harm since I was 2 years old. No, that isn't a typo. I have unusually clear memories of my very early childhood, and I remember pinching my fingers in closet doors just to feel the pain and make red lines on my fingertips at the age of 2. I didn't start doing things that would leave scars until my late teens, but now I do have prominent scars on my arms and legs. My sister considered harming herself, but has never done it.
To be clear, she does have PTSD as well, but it has affected her differently.
She's specifically concerned with what to say when our future children ask why their grandfather isn't in the picture. She wants a short and sweet answer that will prevent further questions, but isn't a lie (no telling them that he's dead) and won't frighten them (no just saying "he was a very bad man"). She also doesn't want to say that he left us, because she doesn't want to leave room for them to imagine a good man. While I agree that this is a good sort of answer for small children, we disagree on when to say more, and we disagree on what we'll say.
I think it goes without saying that I should not (and would not) ever share graphic details of my abuse with my kids or hers when they're young, and probably not even when they're in their early/mid teen years, but I don't think that they should be left with no details at all if they're asking, and I don't agree with withholding that sort of information from older teens and young adults. They're only going to accept "he used to hurt me when I was younger" for so long before they want to know what that means. When and what should I say? She thinks that should be all we ever say until they're adults.
She does not (currently) have any places that she can't go because of her PTSD, but I do. She knows that I hate the PNE (fair grounds & theme park in Vancouver) because of events surrounding our abuse, but she thinks it's stupid that I don't think I'll ever be able to go their with my children. She has said more than once that I'm going to be a boring parent because of it. I'm not sure if she remembers that I was raped there. I've been back once since our father walked out of our lives, and I was fine until we reached the midway where the games and food stalls are, because it was close to the specific spot where I was raped, and I got physically sick there. I had to stay in the park because it was a senior year field trip in high school for physics class (measuring G forces on a roller coaster, anyone?) but I kept having panic attacks after that until we left. I have never gone back there since, with the exception of attending one concert at the Orpheum theatre on the same property, but we parked as far away from the fair grounds as possible and I still felt really uneasy whenever we weren't in the building. There are other places I simply cannot go because I get the same reactions, and they're all the sort of places I would otherwise want to take my kids to. There is a specific swimming pool, for example, that's absolutely off limits because of the multiple rapes that I endured in the family changing rooms. I've actually been triggered by the smell of chlorinated water in other locations as well. (On a related note, I have no idea how I'm going to handle family changing rooms in general when the time comes!) My sister, on the other hand, can't wait to take her kids there because it's a wave pool with a water slide, and it's where we both learned to swim.
How am I supposed to explain to my future kids why I won't take them to the biggest theme park in the province? What am I supposed to tell them when Auntie Jess wants to take them to the pool at W.C. Blair and I won't go along? This was already going to be difficult enough without my sister not wanting me to tell any of our future kids much about our father at all.
What am I supposed to tell those future kids (both mine and hers) about my scars? I am not ashamed of my scars, and I do not wish to hide or diminish them, but I am also not comfortable with the thought of telling my children and nieces & nephews about self harm.
