My Situation

[IamThomas]

I pretty much explain my life story in another thread in the Introductions forum.

so I won't be repeating all of that!

I just wanted to get some advice, and hopefully some information because I don't know whether I suffer from anxiety/depression related to ptsd or not.

I served in the US Army for three years from 93 to 96. I didn't see combat, but was serving in S. Korea at a time when the place was under constant alert from attacks by the North. I remember being woken up at 3-4 am quite often, working 24 hour shifts, ect. It was easily the most stressful year I have ever experienced, or ever will experience.

Sadly, I don't remember much about it. I don't now if that is my mind repressing stuff or if I have a shitty memory. Even after I got home, there are things people will tell me happened that are pretty significant that I do not recall at all.

Mostly I am looking for ways to relax right now. I have been on edge pretty much constantly for what feels like years. Especially since moving to small town Iowa a year ago for work. While I have a good job, things have been tight financially until recently while I am working towards my licence in counseling. There were a few months where I barely made rent, and would have no money for the last two weeks of the month!

I should have been looking for another job, or additional work during that time, but my depression and anxiety was so high I had trouble even thinking about applying for jobs. I think my boss knew something was up, because she was very reluctant to give me new clients, which made my financial siutation that much worse.

Lately, I've been having trouble with my new neighbors. I am paying $500 a month, which is a lot for this town, for a two bedroom apartment in a converted house. The landlords don't do background checks on new tenants, apparently. The guys downstairs are constantly drunk, shouting, and tonight were banging on the walls until I yelled down that I was calling the cops. I'm going to talk to them tomorrow to see what my options are here. I have called the landlord twice, and nothing seems to get better.

Which makes my stress and anxiety skyrocket. I have enough in my life to deal with without them adding to it! With my condition, any noise outside makes me incredibly anxious, so you can imagine having someone in my driveway drunk and yelling at all hours really wears on me!

Anyway. Just wanted to rant. Any comments would be appreciated.

 

[Ian Vp]

Gday Thomas,

Mate it sounds like you have a lot going on. First of all it is great that you are working towards getting your licence for counciling. I am going to tell you what I get told all the time. Dont start anything with I should. You cant compare yourself now with what you think you were capable of at another time. I know what you are saying about wanting to do something or achieve something but not being able to because of your anxiety level. Being short of money is never fun and only adds to anxiety.

If you can it might be an idea to find somewhere else a bit quieter. I dont want to make it seem like that is a small thing because I know if I had to move at the moment I would find that very hard to organise but I can relate to what you were saying about your drunk neighbours and the noise and that would stress me out too. I would find that hard to deal with.

You can only do what you can. If you have other better options available I would consider them. If not, you are making the right attempts at contacting the landlord.

Do you still have any contact with the VA? I dont know where you are in relation to support the Army may be able to provide for you or even if they have that ability but it is worth a thought.

Hope this finds you well.

 

[IamThomas]

I'm seeing a therapist at the local VA clinic, but my appointment today was rescheduled by him.

He wants me to be screened for PTSD and thinks I should be on disability. I am not sure how I feel about that, but I am willing to give it a try.

Today I am having a pretty bad panic attack. I mean, I hadn't thought of suicide in quite a while but today it is on my mind. Not that I have a plan or anything. Just thinking whether dying scares me or bothers me, and right now it really doesn't.

Probably a good thing that I am trying to get into the hospital.

 

[Ian Vp]

Thomas,
If you feel like you need to go into hospital and need that support then I would do it.

Make sure you go to the appointment with the therapist at the VA or if you go to hospital have someone let the therapist know so they can still do the screening. I still am not comfortable with owning the fact I have PTSD but if that is what you have then you are better off knowing so you can do something about it. I have been off work non operational for 8 months and they have discussed me being deemed medically unfit and ill health retired. I dont know what to think about it either but it is good if you are open to the idea. I think it takes some time to stop fighting with yourself and accept where you are and then start on making things better.

Feeling numb and that nothing matters is something a lot of people with PTSD seem to have to deal with. As long as you realise that with treatment and help you can have a life to look forward to. For me it meant getting back to basics and what was really important for me and what I wanted out of life.

Good luck if you go into hospital, look forward to seeing more posts from you.