General My Son Brian

[batgirl]

I've wondered for months why Brian and not me, and I still wonder that. But I really have a hard time thinking that I have some purpose to fulfill in life. I mean it's a nice thought and all, but if I accept that I have a purpose by surviving, then logically I have to also accept that Brian didn't have a purpose. And that's just so horrible and depressing, I can barely even stand thinking about it.

I think it's awesome that you are still alive Anthony and that you have this forum and are helping people, it's really great and you've helped me and my family so much. But you could just as easily have helped yourself only and then been a total prick to everyone else... and had a really long happy life being a prick. Sorry that sounds rude maybe but lots of selfish people seem to live forever...

Personally, in my case anyhow, I just think that I was playing a very dangerous game with all the risks I was taking, the odds were against me, and I was just very lucky I didn't die. Brian played the game too and he was unlucky. If I heal my PTSD and survive the cancer, maybe I could be an inspiration to others, but it would be my choice. I don't think it's fate or a higher purpose, I think it's me making it happen. Maybe because I feel grateful that I took such a huge risk and didn't die.

 

[Jen]

You say a lot of things in your reply Evie that make a lot of sense! Maybe because you took risks and got through alive has made you realise that you have a second chance!
I dont believe in fate and all that!
I think you are an amazing girl and as you said it will be your choice how you want to live your life! I know a guy my hubby who would not have survived what you have had thrown at you he is quite happy to look for sympathy when he is unwell!
Good Girl!!
Jen

 

[Kathy]

Anthony I never thought I would say so to anyone, however you are most fortunate to not believe in God. It does rather get in the way when one is grieving. I cannot believe Brian's death is God's will, and I also find the belief "God allowed Brian to die" quite offensive. Some hold the belief that God is present however does not interfere in the affairs of the world, however that leaves me unsatisfied as well. Really Brian's death has shaken our faith, Jim's and mine, to the very core. After the priest refused to bury Brian citing suicide, Jim has not wanted to return to church at all, though he does attend for my sake. We drive an extra 45 minutes each Sunday to attend mass in another town, as Jim refuses to see that priest. Sometimes I think we are rather silly for attending at all now, however I have attended my whole life so it is habitual. It does make me rather angry, and is rather ironic, to know that I have devoted myself to the Church my whole life as an active and contributing member, yet in my darkest hour the Church failed me.

I believe in destiny as well, and I am delighted to see how your life has turned out Anthony. I do see Evie's points though as well. Actually quite similar, yours and Evie's points. Perhaps just a different way of saying basically the same thing. Evie, what I like about the destiny belief is that it gives me hope. I can look at Anthony and others who have healed and I feel hopeful, for you especially. Though it is a choice too obviously, that is quite correct. I hope you continue making the right choices Evie.

In any event, this has been quite helpful so thank you. The poll has made things much clearer. Not any easier to accept, however clearer.

 

[anthony]

I have to also accept that Brian didn't have a purpose.

How exactly did you derive that theory Evie? What has Brian achieved in his life? He has a son! You tell me what he has already achieved... that was his destiny. Its not about what you perceive someone's destiny to be, simply whatever it is which none of us know, we can only guess.

A baby that dies at birth, maybe that brings the parents closer or splits them up, either way, it was the destiny of that babies events that caused the further ripples within those lives that baby affected. That is destiny, not what one perceives it to be. You cannot perceive your destiny or another's, as it is an unknown entity which we can only guess.

 

[Kathy]

How exactly did you derive that theory Evie?

Black and white thinking perhaps? :wink: Sorry Evie. Thank you Anthony, we have been trying to explain the concept of destiny to Evie for some time. Your explanation is quite good. I do hope it helps her.

Today is Thanksgiving, and it's our first Thanksgiving without Brian. I was expecting to be quite upset, however I am calm and almost cheerful. Jim and I were away together for a lovely weekend, and I have returned home to discover that the children are preparing the Thanksgiving meal for me, I have absolutely no work to do. The children have also organized a kitchen party in Brian's honour, which we will have this evening. A kitchen party is a traditional Newfoundland affair, family and friends pile into the kitchen and play musical instruments, sing, dance, and in some cases get drunk! Most of my family plays an instrument so it should be lovely. We have not had a kitchen party since Brian's wake.

Whilst in the city this weekend I purchased a grief workbook which looks quite interesting. I believe I will start doing some of the exercises in it, possibly with Evie. Not certain about Jim as he is not a fan of that sort of thing. In any event, this long weekend I am surrounded by my children and grandchildren and I do feel quite blessed to have them all.

 

[becvan]

All very good news Kathy. Glad to hear it and hope the workbook helps some.

bec

 

[Marlene]

Kathy,

I'm glad to hear that your family is all with you. Hopefully y'alls Thanksgiving went well (i.e. too much food and then napping afterwards).

Your kitchen party sounds like a blast!

Lisa

 

[anthony]

Kitchen party sounds great.... and its excellent that you celebrate for Brian. Maybe Jim needs to give himself a kick in the arse and try something that he likely knows will create pain for him. Pain is not always bad, especially if it brings understanding. That is the whole concept of this forum.... to turn the bad pain into understanding and relief.

 

[hodge]

Hmm, sorry if this sounds pathetic, but I wish I could be at your kitchen party ;) Sounds like a great way to deal with some things.

 

[Kathy]

Thank you all for the good wishes. Certainly not pathetic Hodge, kitchen parties are very enjoyable, we have them at home and attend them at friend's homes as well. When Newfoundlanders leave the island, they often remark that the kitchen party is something they especially miss. Yesterday's was lovely, we had our Australian neighbours over for it as well, and there was dancing and storytelling, another one of our traditions. Jim told a couple of stories, he's quite excellent at telling them.

Maybe Jim needs to give himself a kick in the arse and try something that he likely knows will create pain for him.

I'll let him know you said so Anthony! He will likely warm up to the idea eventually, only he is rather stubborn at first always. He tends to say such exercises are "bullshit", however I feel it is simply an excuse on his part to not do it. I remember him saying the mental imagery exercise was bullshit also, before he did one himself. Afterwards however he had to admit it was helpful.

I believe this grief workbook is going to be most helpful. I will share the exercises here in this thread, as I do them, as others who are grieving may also find them helpful. The first exercise is for grieving families, and you must obviously have your family's cooperation. In any event, the exercise involves looking after each other's basic needs, so no one becomes ill. Jim has actually agreed to doing this one. Here are the steps:

• each family member is to make a short list of the things they absolutely must do to take care of themselves each day - eat 3 meals, get 8 hours of sleep, exercise, talk about their grief, and so on - no more than 10 items.
• the lists are to be printed out in checklist form so one may tick them off as they are accomplished.
• each family member is assigned another family member they are responsible for. it is their job to make certain that family member is doing the things on their list. everyone in the family is responsible for someone else in the family, and this way everyone is being looked after.

For the next few weeks, there are only 3 of us in the house, so it's fairly simple. Jim is checking up on Evie, Evie is checking up on me, and I am checking up on Jim. In any event I am quite excited to see how it works out. It seems like a very good idea; no one is overwhelmed as we all only have one person to be responsible for. Evie is excited that she gets to nag me to do things now. :rolleyes:

 

[anthony]

Jim is checking up on Evie, Evie is checking up on me, and I am checking up on Jim.

:rofl: Pretty ironic when you think about it all....

 

[Kathy]

Perhaps so Anthony! It does seem a bit silly in some respects but we are giving it a try. I assigned the order as I believe it will cause the fewest number of arguments. :rolleyes: For instance, it would never do to have Evie looking out for Jim, as he could not stomach his "little girl" advising him. Honestly I believe Jim would like to check up on Evie and I both and have no one checking up on him, however that is not going to happen!

Evie and I are attempting the next exercise in the book today. I am going to stagger the exercises so we are doing a new one once or twice weekly at most as to not be overwhelmed. Yesterday's exercise does not count as it is more of a maintenance plan than an exercise. In any event, this exercise seems quite painful! However I think it will be very beneficial for both of us. I hope Jim decides to participate later on.

This exercise enables one to keep a balanced perspective with regards to feelings of guilt. Firstly, list everything you feel guilty for; all the harsh words or events you would change if you could, all the incidents that in your mind could have contributed to the loss of your loved one. Allow your mind "free reign" and list even very small incidents. Whilst writing the list, allow yourself to cry, curse or whatever feelings you need to express.

When finished, take a deep breath and ponder how much you loved your departed family member. Think of all the times you went out of your way to help them. Think of all the kind and loving experiences, thoughts, words and deeds you shared with this person. List all these positive and loving communications and thoughts. Include minor actions as well. Keep writing until you have at least as many positive actions as ones you feel guilt for. This exercise should help you to see that you really haven't much to feel guilty about.