My Son Was Almost Killed

[seedling]

just me here,

No, I didn't take your encouragement the wrong way, I felt from the way you wrote it what you meant. Still didn't stop me from wishing I could really feel that pure happiness. You really reminded me of the great people who helped save him that night. They didn't even know if he would make it through the flight to the trauma center.

Your sincerity is appreciated and I do, in my rational mind, keep reminding myself of the miracle it truly was. Thanks!

 

[anni]

I hope you don't mind me continuing to reply, seedling. There was something elusive about 'stuff' here I couldn't quite 'get', not being given to introspection until it hit me with your 'pure happiness' comment. Got it now. Have terribly guilt over that, with 4 lovely, alive children. It's your thread and won't get into it toooo much but identify with that. Briefly, with zero neediness or woe-is-me, I almost lost 2 of mine and don't speak of that, either. The eldest was born 'dead'-had to be brought back and spent 2 weeks neonatal unit. Deeply suspect seeds of this stupid PTSD sowed somewhere there. My daughter failed and failed as an infant-much hospital, etc. in midst of the 'other' trauma, finally diagnosed Crohn's in time to bring HER back. Anyway. Long story, but she's flaring and just had to take her back to school, the 31 year old mugged and whew. Yesterday don't remember another 10 miles of highway. It's back kind of hard, you know? The happiness thing-like afraid to feel deeply or something, and afraid NOT to feel, or perhaps it's being afraid one can't feel deeply happy, I can't tell. If one does not contain every movemet and thought most carefully, something will spin out of control somewhere ( in my head ) and can't allow that, either!

The good news is that through the years (decades) and therapy and just plain life it's been there frequently(and mostly!), promise. The happiness, I mean. I'll be at my T tomorrow-it's going to be a process and I'm tired because know what has to be done but it's worth it. I hate and loathe the grieving he'll 'make' me do(if am honest with him...) feels awful but know what's on the other side and it really is that ability to allow feeling anything again. Hope this makes sense. It's just that what you said did to me.

Take care,

Anni

 

[seedling]

anni,

Don't mind you replying here at all. I think the not feeling scares me the most about this, haven't even really acknowledged that yet.

I feel moments of happiness and gratitude but not that all over lasting feeling. Too new to this to even describe it. At first I thought I couldn't have the lack of emotion part of PTSD because I was feeling so much, the most painful thing I've ever experienced. Then, later, I started to realize what I wasn't feeling.

Sorry about your daughter's Crohn's. Have a "wonderful" session tomorrow :).

 

[anni]

On today making sure I won't avoid the session. :) I'll be bringing up that awful zone I'm in-the not feeling. I do know, now, one's head is disallowing it somehow, and it's all too dam much to allow but it doesn't feel like that, just non-existant, I know. Knowing things logically isn't always any kind of help towards getting rid of it! Sigh.

I hate therapy. I guess a hallmark of bad therapy would be if one looks forward to it, however. :)