I am a survivor of sexual sadistic incest. sadly this person had access to me for the majority of my life. I let it go on and on and on because I was terrified. I was terrified he was going to kill me. I was terrified of who he would hurt if I weren't available. I wasn't terrified my husband would hate me and think I was disgusting. I was terrified of him, mostly.
When I was 18 I tried to tell. I went to my Pastor. The one person in this world I thought was safe. The one person who SHOULD have been safe. But it completely backfired, and I spent 3 months in a spiritually , sexually abusive situation that ended up in me being manhandled, abused, and sexually assaulted. My pastor was mesmerized by the sadistic details of what happened. he got turned on. Not understand I could really say no, because no had never worked with the dad, I didn't realize I had a choice, I would cry, and I would plead, but I couldn't stand up for myself.
At 20 I began therapy for the pastor situation. I went on and off. When I first started I went for about 2 years straight. I didn't give the full details. Only said he touched me a few times inappropriately. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. :( And of course, I was afraid of what might happen if I did tell. Was this person going to use the information against me. Was I being set up to be hurt yet again.
After the first two years, I went to therapy on and off. But seven years later, I got a call. My sadistic familial abuser was in prison. I felt a huge sense of relief, followed by a raging fear.By this time, I knew my therapist was safe and trust worthy. I wrote a very, very long journal detailing some of what happened to me. I went to pick up my medical records from my obgyn, so I had proof because I was scared he wouldn't believe me. I emailed the journals to him. And promptly received a phone call saying they had made time for me to come in. I showed up, but couldn't look him in the eye. I handed him my records. He told me I didn't have to bring them, that he had suspected as much all along. He asked me if I wanted him to read them and I said yes. It would be easier for me. He read them, and then he let out this sigh.I had been looking at the floor. I couldn't face him. So he asked me to look at him, and he said " FIrst let me say, I am so so sorry for what you have been put through, and you are 100% safe here, and second, this is in no way your fault, do not hold your head down in shame, it's his guilt to carry. Not yours" And there began what has been a exceptionally painful journey for me.
There have been many things I remembered, and many things that I did not. I have severe complex PTSD, I was dxed with D.I. D. ( I know some don't believe in that. And before it's asked, I have never been hypnotized.) When my therapist finally sat my husband and I down, and told us, my husbands reaction was quite funny. He looked at me and said" no wonder you're so dang moody". It was not meant to hurt my feelings and it didn't. He said it , to take the tension, and shock out of the situation. I am a lot better now. I did very well from early 2010 until about a week or so ago, when I found out the minister is less then 2 miles from me. It sort of set me off. Now I am back to nightmares, time gaps, not being able to eat. Exhaustion fear, and struggling with things I am not sure we are allowed to discuss here. I am a survivor, I know I am. But some days, I don't feel like one. And some days, I wish I hadn't. My therapist says the whole pastor thing has triggered me, and some new memories have been flooding me. It's left me feeling like a small child. Like I can't take enough showers, like there just aren't enough tears. I only feel safe with 2 people. My husband and my therapist. My husband works a lot. Which leaves me here alone and frightened. I see my therapist 2 twice a week when I am struggling, if it's real bad, sometimes more. ( He only does 45 minute sessions, unless I am under his desk rocking back and forth) But I had been doing really well.. I wish I could just go curl up on the couch in the waiting room everyday.I feel safe there. Protected. No one would dare lay a hand on me there. But I have to be a big girl. Even when I feel very small inside.
Stephanie
When I was 18 I tried to tell. I went to my Pastor. The one person in this world I thought was safe. The one person who SHOULD have been safe. But it completely backfired, and I spent 3 months in a spiritually , sexually abusive situation that ended up in me being manhandled, abused, and sexually assaulted. My pastor was mesmerized by the sadistic details of what happened. he got turned on. Not understand I could really say no, because no had never worked with the dad, I didn't realize I had a choice, I would cry, and I would plead, but I couldn't stand up for myself.
At 20 I began therapy for the pastor situation. I went on and off. When I first started I went for about 2 years straight. I didn't give the full details. Only said he touched me a few times inappropriately. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. :( And of course, I was afraid of what might happen if I did tell. Was this person going to use the information against me. Was I being set up to be hurt yet again.
After the first two years, I went to therapy on and off. But seven years later, I got a call. My sadistic familial abuser was in prison. I felt a huge sense of relief, followed by a raging fear.By this time, I knew my therapist was safe and trust worthy. I wrote a very, very long journal detailing some of what happened to me. I went to pick up my medical records from my obgyn, so I had proof because I was scared he wouldn't believe me. I emailed the journals to him. And promptly received a phone call saying they had made time for me to come in. I showed up, but couldn't look him in the eye. I handed him my records. He told me I didn't have to bring them, that he had suspected as much all along. He asked me if I wanted him to read them and I said yes. It would be easier for me. He read them, and then he let out this sigh.I had been looking at the floor. I couldn't face him. So he asked me to look at him, and he said " FIrst let me say, I am so so sorry for what you have been put through, and you are 100% safe here, and second, this is in no way your fault, do not hold your head down in shame, it's his guilt to carry. Not yours" And there began what has been a exceptionally painful journey for me.
There have been many things I remembered, and many things that I did not. I have severe complex PTSD, I was dxed with D.I. D. ( I know some don't believe in that. And before it's asked, I have never been hypnotized.) When my therapist finally sat my husband and I down, and told us, my husbands reaction was quite funny. He looked at me and said" no wonder you're so dang moody". It was not meant to hurt my feelings and it didn't. He said it , to take the tension, and shock out of the situation. I am a lot better now. I did very well from early 2010 until about a week or so ago, when I found out the minister is less then 2 miles from me. It sort of set me off. Now I am back to nightmares, time gaps, not being able to eat. Exhaustion fear, and struggling with things I am not sure we are allowed to discuss here. I am a survivor, I know I am. But some days, I don't feel like one. And some days, I wish I hadn't. My therapist says the whole pastor thing has triggered me, and some new memories have been flooding me. It's left me feeling like a small child. Like I can't take enough showers, like there just aren't enough tears. I only feel safe with 2 people. My husband and my therapist. My husband works a lot. Which leaves me here alone and frightened. I see my therapist 2 twice a week when I am struggling, if it's real bad, sometimes more. ( He only does 45 minute sessions, unless I am under his desk rocking back and forth) But I had been doing really well.. I wish I could just go curl up on the couch in the waiting room everyday.I feel safe there. Protected. No one would dare lay a hand on me there. But I have to be a big girl. Even when I feel very small inside.
Stephanie
