General My Supporter Says He Wants To Run Away

[Numbalina]

How do I cope with my supporter telling me he's depressed and tired and ready to run away from everything? I know I can be a handful sometimes and I try to tread as lightly as possible some days because I know how hard it is on him - trying to help me and not show how he is overwhelmed. But then there's days where, like today, be can't hide it anymore. I'm trying not to let it bring ME down, but I don't have the strength to hold is both up. What can I do for him? What would you want from your sufferers if/when you are/were in his position?

 

[still_i_rise]

I am a total newbie here but I can share my perspective as a supporter.
I'm getting burned out. I sometimes feel like I'm a secondary cast member to a show that's all about my husband. I feel like a total bitch for feeling this way.
I struggle to express my daily frustrations and exhaustion because I don't want to impact or trigger him. So I hold it all in, put on a good front until it gets too much...
You can't hold him up anymore than he can hold you up all the time.

I am scared of showing him how overwhelmed I am. I am scared of what this will do to him and his PTSD. I am afraid it will give him cause to do harm to himself and others.

There are times when I'm frustrated and pissed off at the PTSD. It's different than being pissed off at him. But I don't know how to express that without making it sound like I am blaming him for it.

As a supporter, I'm struggling to find a space that I can express all my feelings without it threatening or blaming but still be heard, respect and acknowledge that I can have these feelings. I am hoping this site can provide some of that space and support.
Does any of this make sense. Again, I'm a total newbie to this forum and might be talking jibber jabber.

 

[Eleanor]

First, let me say that it says a lot for you and him that he TOLD you this. So that's a great place to start.

What would have helped me (if I could have told my sufferer that) would have been for him to listen, and be present, and communicate that he had heard me (in different words than I used) and understood, and then, if appropriate, apologized, and ask me what he could to to help or make it better now?

He can't hold you up.
You can't hold him up.
You each have to figure out how to hold yourselves up.
(Just like @still_i_rise said.)

You can however encourage and support self care in each other. "Why don't you go take a bike ride?" or whatever he likes to do that recharges his batteries. "I am not up for going to that new movie, but why don't you call G and go to the movies? Just take a break for a while."

The whole thing about blame is so... confounding with PTSD. I never EVER blamed my H for his symptoms, but for YEARS he perceived any complaint on my part as blaming. (Partly because his trauma was childhood, and he didn't really have another category) That has gotten better.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

As a supporter (with some of my own issues, admittedly), I have found there are two difficult extremes - throwing myself so whole-heartedly into his trauma scars that I lose myself in caring for him .. like @still_i_rise said:

I sometimes feel like I'm a secondary cast member to a show that's all about my husband.

And the other is the burn-out, feeling overwhelmed with all the "exceptions" (do it this way, except when I'm like this, then do that that way, but then if I'm feeling this way, over HERE is the solution, etc.) and I've heard others express "walking on eggshells" ...

I think one extreme leads to the other and guilt swings back. For me, one solution is making sure I have a healthy network of friends in all other walks of life so if I "need" to talk/vent/grieve, etc. I can do so with my own support without having to expect my man to be ALL for me, and then fear or risk tripping his triggers. Mercifully, he's also very aware that his "tripped triggers" can be too much, so he doesn't "blame" me if I accidentally step on a land mine; but I still hate - even accidentally - hurting him!

For his part, he tends to not EXPECT me to run to his aid every time - if anything, he pushes me away cuz he feels guilty for "needing" help. This gives me more freedom to be there, cuz it's not a "demand" on me emotionally or on my time. And I WANT to alleviate his suffering any way I can ...

We haven't settled on exactly the right mix, yet. But maybe there's a nugget in there that might help with this discussion. ;)

~S2B

 

[Numbalina]

@still_i_rise - yes you make total sense. Thank you for your input. How do you vent without making him feel like it's his fault? Because I hate my PTSD, and feel like I'm not doing my part In the relationship to be there for him, because of my inability to cope. Even the simplest things I have trouble with. So I feel so useless and like I'm less of a partner for not supporting him when he's down and overwhelmed with a situation. Like, right now - we have to move and have no prospects. We have two weeks until we have to be out but because of my low days, I've done nothing. Not looked for another place or even started packing. He's at work all day and I'm in bed, depressed. I make things too hard on him.

 

[Numbalina]

And the other is the burn-out, feeling overwhelmed with all the "exceptions" (do it this way, except when I'm like this, then do that that way, but then if I'm feeling this way, over HERE is the solution, etc.) and I've heard others express "walking on eggshells" ...

This is exactly what I do! I don't know how many times he's said he's had to walk on eggshells around me. Especially, prior to my diagnosis.

 

[Numbalina]

See, his network of friends all hate me. I have made too many mistakes and they don't understand my disorder (Hell, I don't even understand it yet). Because he's gone to them venting, prior to my diagnosis, they have their own perceptions of me. Greedy, bitchy, needy, taking advantage of him financially and emotionally, and of course - how his entire network (family included) feel that I drag him down and he would be doing so much better if he didn't have me to deal with.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Oh dear :(

Well, I definitely get that .. I suppose in my case, I had to decide which do I care about more? My "network" or my man? I choose HIM, and so have come to expect individuals in my network to accept or adapt or move on. HE is my "family" now. Thankfully, this has also involved me having to learn to set HEALTHY boundaries with people (not something I have ever done well), and the process has revealed who my "true" friends are. I don't want to sound harsh, but I really "don't care" anymore what other people think. But I also go out of my way to communicate this to my man, too, so he knows IF my network pushes back on me (and as a whole, so far they haven't really, except in my own imagination), that is, "if push comes to shove" .. I still choose HIM.

So as for how you cope with his wanting to leave .. I just cannot believe that the difficulties are "all your fault" which is kinda what it feels like he's saying. If he is pressured to the point he feels he can't handle it, it may be HE has other things he needs to work on, himself .. And if his "network" is more important to him than YOU are? It makes me feel like maybe this isn't the healthiest relationship (please don't be offended; I don't know enough, so it's not a hard and fast opinion, just more of a "sense") ..

Relationships are hard WITHOUT something like PTSD in the mix. Trying to get 2 naturally selfish people to lovingly consider the other person selflessly will ALWAYS take some adjusting and refining, and the occasional big leap. But if there is any trauma in the past, if there is any residual symptom or consequence of the fight to overcome past abuse, if there is any "disability" (I hate that word) ... I think it requires MORE care, MORE patience, MORE commitment .. I might just be an idealist :) .. but is there ANY chance you would be better off letting him go? (asking based on both the above and on a few of your other posts...) It is traumatic to go through a breakup, to be sure! But perhaps it is less so than staying? Perhaps that is the best way to discern the tipping point?

I cannot offer an answer, but maybe the questions will help you find your own? :hug:

~S2B

 

[Momofthree]

how his entire network (family included) feel that I drag him down and he would be doing so much better if he didn't have me to deal with.

This sucks because my biggest fear with my partner is that this is true! And to have his network actually saying it must really hurt. I'm sure it isn't true though, I'm sure you bring a lot to the relationship. I like what @still_i_rise said about communicating with him and seeing where you can maybe step up in the relationship and make him feel less stressed.

 

[Numbalina]

He does have issues of his own to deal with, yes. He doesn't hold high his friends' opinions about me. It makes me crazy, thinking about, "so when we get married, are they going to decline to be a part of it because of me?" Or "am I asking too much of him? Am I saying - them or me?" There's many more reasons in my head, too.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Boy, I can drive myself crazy with the questions I ask myself. :) :) My counselor would always call me out for "agitating like a washing machine!" My man would confront me about my "imagination" .. because he had past girlfriend's who would assume he meant something he never meant about an issue, and he saw a pattern. So now he insists that I "speak in the now" .. If he sees a funny look cross my face he demands that I voice whatever I'm feeling/thinking so we can "deal with it in the now" .. he usually feels the need to correct things I MIGHT think, and more often than not I can wiggle myself to the right conclusion (being more "rationally minded") but he still doesn't like leaving me to my own devices, because he thinks I'll invent some meaning he didn't have, or I'll develop an opinion about him that isn't so, etc. Maybe this is a little what you're feeling? Like you can see ALL the possibilities play out at once, and some of the outcomes are undesirable so you try to figure out how to prevent this or that negative outcome before it's even presented itself. I found for me, this was me trying too hard to "control the outcome" .. I have had to let go of a lot of fear in this regard. I used to feel the need to have it ALL figured out BEFORE I voiced anything to him, cuz I didn't want my emotions to muck things up. But now, because of the habit we've developed, I am more apt to just voice my question of my man, directly .. and even if it makes him mad, he'll still start with "Thank you for speaking in the now .. " and THEN he'll proceed to tell me how this or that might have been off in my calculations, so really we should land over HERE, etc. ...

 

[Justmehere]

Instead of trying to resolve his depression, it would be a good idea to seek more support for you in the battle with your own depression. This may be the best way for him to have more hope if he sees you reaching out to build a larger supper system for you.

It's my understanding from your other threads that even your kids have to help take care of your daily needs and that he wants to move out and you both have to move out in two weeks but you have done nothing to find a place and yet despite this level of suffering and inability to function, you have declined to pursue more aggressive treatment for your depression and PTSD.

You can't solve his depression. You can get help from others outside of him to help lighten to load on him and your kids.