My Uncle Died...

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My uncle died the other day. He died from cancer. The first time he fought cancer was at the same time that my nana (beloved grandmother) fought her second battle with cancer and succumbed to it. She lived with this uncle for he was married to her daughter. I have only been back once in the nearly 15 years since my nana died. Their house isn't even in the same location.

I am saddened by his death, but also don't want to get too close to that for many reasons. I know he was around at the time of my abuse as a child, whether he was a part of it, I honestly couldn't say, but I don't think so. I don't want to go down that path. I don't want to know the identity of those who abused me.

And I don't want to go down the path of being reminded of Nana. She wasn't supposed to die. She was supposed to be sitting in the audience of my college graduation. Instead I had to say words that others put into my head when I spoke my speech out loud that day, for I had to acknowledge her absent. She promised she'd be there. And one wise and well-meaning person told me that maybe the only way she could be there was by dying and being there in spirit. One week before graduation, we buried her in the middle of nowhere (it was a cemetery, but it was in the middle of nowhere). I could never find my way back there. My dad doesn't even think he could. I've barely grieved her death because I feel (like I feel about most things) that somehow I caused it. I didn't love her enough, she had to be at my graduation in some form...

I don't know when the funeral for my uncle is. I don't know if I will go. I would like to see my aunt, but I don't know if I can go and be around relatives that will remind me of the past. I just needed to put that out there because it is so confusing to me and I needed an outlet to express it to- an outlet that might understand what I am saying.

 

[Leigh925]

I am so sorry for your loss. My mother passed away four years ago. I am the oldest child and had the task of being in charge of her funeral. She left no plans or wishes. At one point I was really struggling because I always feel like I have to make the right decision and what if I make the wrong decision and regret it. My brother said "well when I pass away...do what you want....the funeral will not be for me....it will be for the living"

I have thought a lot about that since that day and it is really true. I tell you this to say....if you need to go to work through grief then go. But if you find that it might be too risky to your stability then give yourself permission to miss the funeral. Send your aunt a letter or flowers and let her know that you care but ultimately you can't really support your own family that needs you now if you lose your footing trying to go.

Maybe that is not the right advice for you but hopefully it will spark a thought in the direction that is best for you.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Maybe that is not the right advice for you but hopefully it will spark a thought in the direction that is best for you.

Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts. It's great advice and a reminder not think about things as right and wrong (is it right to go or wrong to go), but what is best for me.

 

[Leigh925]

And one wise and well-meaning person told me that maybe the only way she could be there was by dying and being there in spirit.

I can see how someone could think that this could possibly provide comfort but I can also see how your brain could take it and twist it so that you feel it is your fault. It is not your fault and just because someone is well meaning and wise doesn't necessarily mean it is true.

I learned after my moms death kind of what to say and what not to say when people pass. Before I lost her I thought I knew but I realize me words in previous situations probably weren't of much comfort.

After my mom died I was ready to strangle the next person who told me that "heaven had gained another angel" (does heaven really need more Angels and if people really knew her past would they still think she would be an angel?) and that "Jesus must have needed my mom more than I did"....um if Jesus is perfect why does he need my mom? I'm pretty sure I needed her more because we were just starting to heal our relationship.

I think people just don't know what to say....even the wise ones because losing someone like your nana must have hurt so much and I don't know that there are any words that could have taken that away.

 

[Ronin]

My condolences, JEK.

I'm glad you're not staying alone with all the feelings and thoughts. My heart goes out to you.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

After my mom died I was ready to strangle the next person who told me that "heaven had gained another angel" (does heaven really need more Angels and if people really knew her past would they still think she would be an angel?) and that "Jesus must have needed my mom more than I did"....um if Jesus is perfect why does he need my mom? I'm pretty sure I needed her more because we were just starting to heal our relationship.

I think people just don't know what to say....even the wise ones because losing someone like your nana must have hurt so much and I don't know that there are any words that could have taken that away.

You are so correct. People don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. But I do not what not to say. Even after my car accident people said such cliche things and things I wanted to scream back at them about such as "You must be so grateful" or "God (or his angels) must have been with you"- grateful to be alive...maybe, grateful to have been in a car accident, certainly not. And I certainly don't believe that God saved me and let other innocent people die in their accidents. That doesn't make sense. So thanks for that reminder that people mean well but they don't know the words to say.

@Cashew , thank you for your response and support.

 

[ladee]

I am sorry for your loss and for the inner conflict. I had a similar experience a few years ago. I have no contact with my family. A nephew was killed in a house fire. I instinctively knew, that I would be better served by doing my grieving from right where I was... No way would I walk back into that viper pit, especially with the atmosphere of other family conflicts that was going on at the time. ( Heard thru the grapevine). There are so many ways to show respect for a lost loved one.. being at that 'circus' was not my idea of respecting him or his life.
I wrote him a goodbye letter in my home journal. Of all the fun we had growing up together(we were very close in age), the good memories... a few of the hard ones.... but I was safe where I was, telling him goodbye, until we meet again.
Nothing about my family has changed. But I have. So to put myself in that situation was not an option...
So , hoping you find the way that is right for you. Sending gentle hugs.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sorry for your loss and not knowing what to do but I believe that staying away from this funeral is a very wise choice for you.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks, @gizmo - for your support and advice.

 

[hodge]

I am very sorry for your loss, JEK. Can't begin to top what others have said.