My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 19804]

I've decided to get back on my feet and start taking better care of myself. I'm going to eat more regularly and more healthy foods, instead of skipping meals one day and eating pizza the next. Today I'm going to go to the gym for the first time in weeks. I'm excited about that. I actually really like to work out, it's just hard for me to do when I'm stressed and chaotic and not eating well either. I did some squats and ab exercises yesterday, but today I wanna do some cardio as well as strength training. It'll also be good to shower there, because they're changing the gas lines in my building and I haven't had hot water for almost a week now. It would be nice to have a warm shower again. :D

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Well I managed to actually go to the gym and do a work out, but it didn't go as well as I'd hoped. About 10 minutes into cardio I started feeling lightheaded and my heart rate was way too high. I did manage to do some good leg exercises, my legs are sore already so that definitely means I've done something right.
I did however very much enjoy the hot shower afterwards :D

These past few weeks I have once again been confronted with how hard it is for me to take good care of myself. I want to eat well and work out often, but I also have to keep my apartment clean, socialize, study and work. Which are completely normal things, so I shouldn't be struggling so much.
I think it is a significant part of the reason why I still haven't reached out to a therapist; I want to get my life in order before I get back to working on trauma reprocessing and all that. So that I can "cushion the blow" of therapy and keep functioning normally while I go through all of that. But it's been almost two years without therapy and I'm still struggling with simple things like taking proper care of myself. Maybe I need help with that too.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Snowwhite I think that your plan is very wise for you and I think you could be proud of yourself for planning so carefully,I know I am very proud of you. I am learning new ways to self care for myself now and I have never done this before so I am learning so much. I am very happy for you~:hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you @gizmo :) :hug:

Today was a tough day. I've been so stressed lately and I don't really know if I can handle things for very much longer. I just had to work a full day and the weird thing is that I really do enjoy it. I have awesome coworkers and my boss is also really nice. But for some reason I just get so stressed being around people and having trouble concentrating and sometimes getting yelled at by customers etc.

Apart from that, I've been looking for a trauma therapists but it's been really hard to find the right T for me. All of them either provide short, standard therapies with a predetermined number of sessions, online therapy (which really is not my thing), or therapies for only complex PTSD. Or the therapist is male, which is just a no go for me. I have no problem with men in general, but I know I cannot feel comfortable discussing being raped, or pretty much any other topic, while I'm in a room with no one else but a man I barely know.

I just want some help to go through my trauma and get my life back together. Preferably without being stuck with antidepressants for the rest of my life, which seems to be the standard solution for someone who hasn't completely healed after going through EMDR. I've been noticing more and more how the meds affect me. I don't just have trouble concentrating on complex books for my studies, I have trouble seeing clearly/processing things I see on days that I'm more tired than usual. I know all people are limited in their cognitive capacities when they're tired, but with me it gets ridiculous. I will be walking around the city centre, going into a shop, and immediately not remember why I'm there. I have trouble reading labels on products, or remembering whether or not I've already bought something. Recently I had to remind myself about five times which three items I was supposed to get at the drug store. Apparently this kind of drowsiness and trouble staying focused is a know side effect of sertraline. It's a good thing I don't have a driver's license.

Reading back through this diary I can see how things can be so black or white with me. One day I'm cheerful, the next I can barely function. But to be honest that's what my life's been like for almost 5 years now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Snowwhite I understand how difficult it is to find a woman therapist and I so agree with you. You are better than you think you are and not as bad as you think you are.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Yesterday was father's day and I had trouble thinking of a nice gift for my dad. Eventually I settled on getting us tickets to a museum so we can have a nice day out. I'm really looking forward to having some fun together. Maybe it'll even help him see how awesome he is and how much I enjoy spending time with him.

Today the building corporation abused their master key to break into my home. Again. I was so angry with them! They have no right to enter my home without my permission when it's not an emergency and they haven't let me know in advance. I talked to the building supervisor about this and he promised it wouldn't happen again, but still I made a complaint. Turns out the e-mail they sent me informing me of the scheduled work was actually sent AFTER they had already been in my home. When I protested this, they told me the work had been an emergency, even though it clearly had been scheduled at least a week in advance. They had just failed to inform me and my neighbours and didn't want to have to make a second appointment with the maintenance men.

Although I was very upset when I found out they went into my home without my presence or permission AGAIN, I stayed as calm as I could and remained very polite to both the building supervisor and the corporation's other employees. I realise people can make mistakes and I won't be asking anyone for money because of what happened. All I ask is that the corporation respect my privacy and abide by the rules in the contract. So I sent them a polite, but firm e-mail explaining the situation and asking them to not let this happen again, or I will be talking to the police. Kind of proud that I stood up for myself for once.

I don't have to go to work tomorrow, so that's nice. I have to get back on track after a busy weekend and I'm looking forward to some peace and quiet. I should actually be studying though.
One positive note on that front by the way: I finally got the results on my thesis and I passed! Yay :)

 

[Anarchy]

I finally got the results on my thesis and I passed! Yay :)

That's great news
Well done :hug:

Really pleased that you had a good day with your Dad!:tup:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you for your support @Anarchy :) :hug: and sorry for taking this long to reply. I hope you are well :hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm sort of scared right now. I'm scared of how numb I've been feeling lately. I haven't been getting things done and it's becoming a real problem. I feel like of I don't get out of this soon, I won't be able to do it by myself at all. I won't even notice anymore. Maybe I should cut down on the antidepressants. At least the extra anxiety would help me stay alert.

Sorry for the negativity here. I feel like I have to write this all down somewhere so I don't forget about it.

 

[Anrish]

It's your diary, so you can write about positive or negative things in whatever way you need and want it. It's your place to feel free. :hug:

And we sit here, listen and support, hug you or whatever you need. ;)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

My boss unexpectedly wanted to talk to me today. I was afraid I'd done something wrong, but it was quite the opposite. She told me they need some extra help in a different department within the company and they wanted me to fill in every once in a while. I'd learn some new things and have a couple more responsibilities. Apparently I was the one person they thought would be a good fit for the job. Which is a real honour :)
I have a few days to consider the offer. I'd love to grow more within the company, even though I intend to stop working there when I finish my studies. Maybe I'll already quit a few months from now because next semester is going to be really tough. And I'm already overstressed with my current day to day responsibilities. But it feels good to finally be good at something again and be recognised for it. I'll have to think really hard about this before I make a decision.

Studying for my resit exam isn't going too well. I really hope I'll soon find and hold on to the motivation and level of concentration I need.

I've been keeping an eye on the waiting lists for some specialised Ts in the area, but so far I haven't found a good match that can also offer an intake for treatment any time soon. It's really hard because sometimes something seems really good, but it turns out to be a private clinic not covered by insurance. Or it's a programme designed specifically for drug addicts with PTSD. Etc. Etc.

I do have one thing I'm really excited about: I applied to foster dogs in need and one of the organisation's council members is coming over this thursday morning. If everything works out, I'll be fostering a dog pretty soon :)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Last night I had a nightmare about my rapist. He was publicly groping me and mocking me. Letting me know just how little I was worth to him. It was pretty awful, especially because I know he would gladly hurt me again if the opportunity were to arise again. Physically and psychologically; he enjoyed torturing me.
Thankfully, I had some better dreams after that.

I've been doing slightly better with my studying over the past few days, but I'm still not even close to learning everything in time.
Lately I've really been in zombie-mode; trying to get through the day while taking good care of myself and studying. I need to start therapy again, I know. I'm a bit lazy and cowardly when it comes to asking for help or standing up for myself. I'd much rather avoid confrontation and hope things will blow over soon. Unfortunately, that approach doesn't work on ptsd. I've known that for a looooong time.
I'm really hoping things will be better after I've taken the resit exam, regardless of how it went. At least it'll be over for a while. And soon enough I'll be taking in a little homeless dog, which will force me to stay in the present and have some sort of a continuous daily schedule. Because the dog will have to eat and be walked at set times.

I have to work all day tomorrow. Although it does interfere with my studying, it's also part of my social life (yes, i know that's a bit pathetic for a student). I hope the work day won't be too hectic so I'll have time to chat with some of my coworkers as well as not get overwhelmed and confused.