My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 19804]

So I've been very slowly getting myself back on track. I'm still not eating enough, but I make sure I drink a lot of pure fresh fruit juice, eat fiber rich foods and take vitamin supplements, so the only problem left is the lack of energy from food.

My computer recently broke down which for a part is actually a good thing; now I am no longer able to "numb" myself through the day by watching tv shows. But of course it's quite annoying too. Especially since I barely have enough money to buy a new one and I'm quitting my job in a few weeks. I had been hoping to keep some kind of a financial buffer, but I guess that's out the window.

I still haven't called my potential new therapist for a meeting. I just keep putting it off, even though I hate myself for it. And now I'm scared to make a new appointment with my current T because I'm ashamed. But I've decided I'm going to send her an e-mail right now, because of I don't I will go deeper into avoidance mode until I see no other way out than to run away.

Thanks for the food idea, Russ! I like it. I might give it a go when I'm back home next week.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm starting to think that maybe my Dad was right: that my boyfriend is leading me on. He is a great guy, but we have to keep our relationship a secret from his family. So he literally isn't here for me - he cannot stay long, he cannot sleep over, he can't even pick up his phone when he is with his family. Which is pretty much all of his spare time.

I want something more than that. I need someone who will stand by me, unashamed, even after learning about my darkest secrets. But right now I am a secret. And I've realised that as long as I stay his secret, I am not his equal. I thought things would be different by now. That he would have his own place and that we'd spend a lot more time together, giving our relationship a shot. But it's been over a year and here I am, alone in my bed after a 1,5hour date.

Why is this so hard?

 

[RussH]

Snow, you deserve better. I wish I had an answer for you, but this is not because of you or your issues. He, and his family, have issues if he has to hide his relationship with you. I don't know why he is doing this, but I do know you deserve better.
I am sorry this is so hard for you.
I wish I could take the hurt away, but the best I can do is let you know that I care.

 

[RussH]

I want something more than that. I need someone who will stand by me, unashamed, even after learning about my darkest secrets.

Hi Snow,
I have been thiniking about this line, and all of us have things that are our darkest secrets. You are human,and as a human you have made mistakes, and like all of us, you try to learn from your mistakes and become a better person.

However the abuse you suffered is not one of your mistakes. You became a victim, and being a victim is not making a mistake; it is an intentional act by your abuser. It is nothing for you to be ashamed of.

The reason I write this is because when you meet a guy deserving of you, he will recoginize that these abusive situations are not something to be ashamed of you about, but proud of you for surviving them.

Again I am sorry this is so hard on you, but if this guy is not willing to acknowledge you before his family, and be proud of you, then you deserve someone better.
You, dear lady, are my friend.
Russ

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So my boyfriend just left. I told him what was bothering me and asked him if he thought we had a future. He was obviously struggling to answer that. Eventually he said it wasn't likely that we were ever going to be an official couple. Things got very emotional, we both cried. He said he does have very strong feelings for me, but he's afraid to give in to them. He doesn't want to hurt me or his family. And I understand that. I feel like a terrible person for not believing in him, for thinking he might be acting callously. He has a very big heart and would never truly want to hurt anyone.

Right before he left I told him I love him. I just blurted it out, it came straight from my heart. That was the first time I had ever admitted that to him. And, to my surprise, he responded with "I love you, too".
That meant the world to me. I have needed to know if he felt the same way so badly, and he does. But we still have to figure out what to do now. I really hope we'll talk again soon. That we'll be okay. The situation may not have changed, but now I know that he loves me too, my perception on our relationship has.

For now, I just hope that he'll be safe. That he'll take care of himself and keep doing well at work. He deserves that.

 

[RussH]

@Snowwhite I am glad you had a chance to talk with him, and I am glad you know how he feels. However I am sorry he does not think you will ever be an official couple.
I truly wish you all the happiness in the world.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So we're not okay. I'm not okay. He told me there was no way we could be together. Even though he meant it when he said he loved me. I'm heartbroken and I don't understand. After being together for over a year, we finally both admit that we love each other for the first time and the next day he's gone?! Cultural differences or not, how can he leave me like this? I love him so much. The thought of never getting to hold him again makes me so sad. And I am so frustrated that he won't fight for us, just because he's afraid of his parents' judgement. How can he just throw away both of our happiness like this? I feel completely powerless. I have never loved a man this much and now he's gone because his stupid parents want to marry him off to a girl they deem fit.
It's wrong. And I miss him so badly.

 

[RussH]

You are right Snow it is not fair, and I am saddened that he will not fight for you.
You are a true treasure, and it is a shame he does not see it.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm feeling pretty sad right now. And in a way, I'm actually relieved about it. Because I am able to feel this sadness, instead of bottle it up for it to come out in the form of fear at an unexpected time. I am grieving for losing the man I love and it feels terrible, but at least I am not numb.

I'm going out with a good friend tonight. I think that will cheer me up a bit.

 

[RussH]

Snow, again I am so proud of you, and the way you are handling this. I find it real encouraging and a sure sign that you taking great strides in dealing with your ptsd.
I hope you have a wonderful time with your friend.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you, Russ. I just got home and we did have a good time, though it was a very intense evening for us.

My friend and I were on our way to a restaurant when we heard a loud bang right behind us. We turned around and saw that a guy had fallen off his bike and that the front wheel had come loose and was rolling a few meters away from him. I ran back to check on him and it turned out he'd hit his head pretty hard. He was conscious, but he was woozy and there was blood coming from his ear. And the next thing I did, I'm actually pretty proud of. I immediately got my phone and called the alarm number. I told emergency services what had happened and where we were (I had to ask one of the bystanders for an address or landmark and luckily they helped out) and stayed calm. I listened to the lady on the phone and followed her instructions not to move the victim, not to let him eat or drink anything et cetera.

The police got there pretty quickly and soon after so did the ambulance. The guy was complaining of back pain. They put a neck brace on him and completely strapped him down to some board and then moved him onto a stretcher and into the ambulance. Even though the guy was conscious, it looked very serious. I left my contact info with a police officer in case anyone would need to contact me about what had happened. I really hope he'll be okay.

I'm not necessarily proud of what I did, but mostly of what I didn't do. I didn't freeze. I didn't panic. I didn't put responsibility into other people's hands and I did not wait for others to make a decision on what to do. I stayed there, kept breathing, even told a bystander who had gotten him a cup of water that the guy wasn't allowed to drink anything. No social inhibitions, no "bystander effect". I analysed the situation, noticed the symptoms and called for help. I am so, so glad to know that I can do that now. That I no longer freeze up in unexpected scary situations like I did when I was raped.

And one more thing: I have had so many nightmares in which I try to call the alarm number but the numbers get all messed up. It never ever works in my dream. And today it did.


Unfortunately, I also got some very hard news. My friend told me she had had a date the day before and that he had "talked her into" sleeping with the guy. She didn't sound convincing to me, so I asked her if she wanted it to happen. She said "no, but it's not like a yelled "no" and he ignored it". That doesn't matter, what he did was so wrong and I can so see myself in her right now. She was trying to cover up with smiles and jokes and trying to change the subject, but inside she was obviously hurting. She said that she just had to make mistakes like this so she could learn. That it was no big deal.

I think my friend was raped. And I hate it so, so much.

I couldn't get her to get too serious about what had happened, so I told her that I'm here for her and that she can always talk to me. That I won't judge her, or run to the police, or kick the guy's ass. I'm just here for her. I know that's what I would need from my friends.

I really really hope she wasn't raped, or that at least she's more resilient than I am and won't develop any permanent damage. I hate hate HATE this. She may take a lot of risks when it comes to guys, but she did NOT deserve this. She is a good person and I love her. And I will do whatever it takes to get her through this.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I've just had a big realisation about the guy that raped me:

He knew exactly what he was doing.
He knew I was broken. He would have hurt and humiliated me even more if he had to. But he didn't, because once I knew trying to push him away wasn't helping, I dissociated. I was so petrified that I just froze with fear. He no longer even needed to hold me down, he could just go ahead.

The things he said to me afterwards, about me being worth nothing to him now, and his "apology" were his way of improvisation. He had PLANNED this. He had told his friends, only probably something along the way of me being shy and him taking advantage of the situation. He was BRAGGING. His friends must have disapproved, which would be why he sent me that "apology". In that message he made very clear that it was because of what his friends said that he was apologising, ergo, it certainly wasn't coming from him. He didn't feel sorry for one bit. He was doing the best he could to put me down: he had found a girl he liked so he started dating her without ever talking to me. He never gave a crap about me and he wanted me to know that, just like when he told me I was worth nothing to him now that he'd "had" me.
I now realise why he must have sent me that message:
1. When his friends didn't praise him and scolded him instead when he was bragging, he realised that if they could already disapprove of his twisted version of the story, my friends would definitely disapprove of my version, the real one. So he sent me that so called "apology" to cover his ass!! I get it now. He was trying to keep me from reporting him!
2. The lack of praise from his friends made him so frustrated that he needed to find a way to hurt me even more, but he was smart enough to wrap that up as being an apology, when actually he was trying to humiliate me even more. To prevent me from ever forgetting about him.

I just gathered the courage to reread his message (first time in years). It makes me so confused. It's still really hard to believe what he did was rape and not my fault. Why do I want it to have been rape? Because then at least it was his fault. He has messed with my head so much. I want to believe that he was at fault and not me.

I'm considering taking the message with me to the next therapy session. Maybe my T can shed some light onto the matter and hopefully help me believe that his apology was not genuine, or at least help me believe that it was indeed rape. I need that. I don't think I could handle it if it turned out to be my fault anyway.