My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 12723]

Rooting for you. And good for you on getting priorities straight with the dating. I know what you mean about not wanting life more complicated and good for you on the essay.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thanks @gizmo :hug:


Today I found out I indeed didn't get the apartment I wanted, which sucks :( but I have found another place online that is almost as big and also in a better neighborhood. I am just so sick of this place. I want to get out and start over.
I found this amazing organisation that is looking for places to temporarily house dogs for periods ranging from about a week to two months maximum. They would pay for the vet bills and the food. All I have to do is give the dog a temporary home and help socialize it. Sounds like the perfect thing for a lonely student with no money. I'm really excited to do that, but first I really need a new place. My current apartment is too tiny for even the smallest of dogs. I couldn't even fit a hamster in here, lol.

I had to go to uni early in the morning for a 2 hour class. The teacher doesn't seem to like me very much. Usually I get along very well with teachers because they think I'm the quiet and hard working type, which is often the case. Especially when it comes to subjects that interest me. But I'm far from the perfect student; I do procrastinate a lot and do not always work very thoroughly. But I am not the kind of student that doesn't care and prefers to go out drinking or whatever. And my teacher seems to have that image of me in her mind. Today a fellow student was saying something and I was just writing down one of the writing tips the teacher had given us just before, while listening to what that person was saying. And she just came over to me and asked me to please pay attention.
Written down it doesn't sound like much, and maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but it frustrates me that she thinks I don't take my studies seriously. Especially because she is the one who will be grading my final assignment.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be treated any better than my fellow students. I believe in working as hard as it takes to achieve my goals and I would feel awful if I knew a teacher was going easy on me.

Didn't get much else done today. Right now I'm hanging out at home with a nice cup of peppermint tea. Think I'll go to bed early tonight.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So the past few days I've been kind of stuck in a rut. An unproductive one at that. I guess I've been so focused on getting away from here that it became even easier than usual to neglect cleaning and tidying up my home. Which in turn makes living here even more uncomfortable, -sigh-. But I am going to invite a friend over this weekend so I'll have to clean up!

Today I bought myself some chegap inline skates plus some protective pads to keep my out of practice self free from scrapes and bruises :) When the weather gets warmer I'll definitely use them to just get out, put on some music and enjoy getting away for a while. Looking forward to using them soon.

I still feel extra vulnerable and anxious. I hope to get over that soon. Gotta work all day tomorrow and there won't be time for me to get some fresh air when things get overwhelming.

Time to go to sleep now.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Tried out the inline skates today. They were pretty good, although they took some getting used to. Still working on my balance, but at least I didn't fall.

I have to work on another assignment and I hate it. I have a lot of free time and I do spend most of it trying to relax, but still I always feel like it's not enough. It's probably a luxury problem. I do however still feel the effects of talking to the police last week. Got lots of random anxiety attacks going around and I'm still having trouble focussing on anything. Some days it's like I'm drunk, even though I rarely ever drink. I just go through the motions of life but I'm not really there. When I smile (which I do a lot) I can feel cheerful, but it's still like a mask.
When I look in the mirror or when I see myself in pictures I do see the smile, but there's also such an emptiness. Like I'm a shell of a person. Functional and maybe fun to hang out with on the surface, but when you get too close there's not much more there. That thought makes me really sad and desparate as well. Will I ever be a "full" person again?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Good news: I'm moving to a new apartment. I got a nice one that someone had cancelled on last minute. Really excited to get a new place :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Woo Hoo!!!!!!!! Yay for you!

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Today is Liberation Day in the Netherlands, where we celebrate being liberated from the Germans at the end of World War II. The weather is beautiful, so I'm definitely going outside. Maybe I'll even go shopping for a bit :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Snowwhite I hope that you have a wonderful day:hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

The past few days have been quite nice, actually. It had a lot to do with the weather: lots of sunshine and nice temperatures. I didn't have to work many hours so I had plenty of time to enjoy the warmth.

Today I finally talked to my dad about my choices regarding the police report. It was very hard because my dad wants the rapist to pay for what he did to me. Not filing an official report in his opinion equals letting the rapist win. We had a long and emotional talk about it and came to the conclusion that I should ask the police whether they have found any other reports on the rapist. If they have, it might still be worth pursuing a case (although I still have my doubts about that). I made a promise to call the police tomorrow morning to find out.

I'm exhausted now and really not looking forward to making that call. I hope I'll find the courage to do so immediately.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I know what you mean about having the courage to make the call. I know that you can do this no matter how you feel.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

A lot has been going on lately. I've finally called the police detectives about whether or not other people had reported the same rapist. Apparently they are not allowed to tell me that, but it was clear from the words they used that there had been no reports ("we found nothing shocking"). I'm not sure how to feel about that. It sucks that I would be all alone if I wanted to persue a case against him, but to be honest I really don't want to do that anyway. I have no way of proving what happened to me, which would mean I would have to go through talking about every detail of the trauma and possibly questioning by the rapist's lawyer, as well as a confrontation with the rapist, and it would all be for nothing.
I've been thinking a lot about what my dad told me. He feels like I am not the same person anymore. That I'm not the grown up version of the little girl he raised, but a damaged shadow of what I once was. He didn't say that last part, but I know that's how he really feels. And that is really, really hurtful. Because one thing I have always held on to was the idea that "I" am still in there somewhere. That I will get through this and become stronger for it. That at least the core of who I am is still there and will come out eventually. And he just doesn't see me that way. How on earth am I supposed to deal with that?

 

[Anarchy]

You are far more than how you are thinking your father might see you

first of all - it is your interpretation - he didn't say it.

second - even if he did see you that way, it still doesn't define or limit you.

You've been really brave, going to the police. please don't let anyone force you into being re-traumatised in court, if you don't want to go there.

Hugs
@