2-½ years later,
She left November 16th, 2011, the day before Thanksgiving. I got home from work, the lights were dimmed, "best friend" and his wife were there.In an intervention fashion, she outlined her problems with me and told me she was leaving, and she did right then. My two friends kept me from going after her. When they left I found she had moved most of "her" stuff with her (her decisions were unilateral). Later, I found out she was living in a trailer park a couple of blocks away.I had been paying for here therapy and decided I'd give her 3 years to address her anxiety, etc. problems before I'd divorce her, " in sickness and health"
Update: we see each other once in a while, i can see she's hardened her world view to seeing me as representing all the horrible things she came to think about me. We can't talk about important things, like separation of property, or divorce. She still experiences anxiety, fear, selective memory loss and replacement (she was invited over during a winter power failure after repeated pleas for help: cold, dark, etc. Her son, who now lives here, and I were playing Scrabble, he's a whiz, and she claimed she never played before and didn't know how even though we'd traditionally played Scrabble during power failure, even when I showed her years of dated scores from our games), and reluctance/ refusal to try new things (I got her an iPhone, too complicated, she wanted her old flip phone back, got her a slightly better flip phone and she won't even try to use it).
My biological daughter shuns her and me as a result because I still tolerate (love) my wife. My bio son is accepting, and is a regular visitor with my two grandsons. Her two bio sons are on best terms with me, working on a mutual project and one is renting a room in my house.
I've been doing OK. Job loss, unemployment, part time- minimum wage job and now early retirement. Still no girlfriend, still wearing the ring. I do realize I am a strange duck. Developed (pun; no, it's all digital) a hobby photographing groups in clubs, so I get out. Working on a new network of friends, our mutual friends mostly sided with her.
So, I've been there for her, she's never really gotten help addressing her PTSD, treating it as a marital problem instead, shutting me out from any recuperative process. I probably should have given up long ago, I tend to hang on too long. My efforts have gone unappreciated and resented. We still see each other occasionally, though the atmosphere is "brittle" and topics are to be avoided to prevent setting her off.
My advice: don't expect appreciation for any help. Others may have better treatment and have better results. I always hoped for a magic pill to bring her thinking back around to see my perspective and help her anxieties/phobias, but she's never been to a professional that would recommend it. I hoped time would heal, instead it's calcified her convictions. At least she still will talk and see me. We've a lot in common resulting from our 20th wedding anniversary in June. I'm not happy with the way things are, but I'm happy in general.
Sam
