we've certainly both chastised out daughter with spanking nothing outside of the ordinary much more when she was younger compared to recently. when she's triggered - my wife hits ME not my daughter. i'd never allow that. i also should clarify that violence between us has been (seems like) few and far between over our nearly 14 years together. however, 10+ times later when i see the situation going left, my senses are heightened & on full alert. although we talked for over 3 hours last night, in the end she was still struggling to see herself as in the wrong. she was sick of hearing that she hit me wanting to get past the main thing with only cursorily owning it. she planted her flag on the fact that I triggered HER, which i did do - unintentionally. but my position is that the response isn't to hit me - under any circumstances. i'm standing there and immoveable.Look, there's a difference between yelling and throwing/punching objects and actual physical abuse of another human being. They may all be abusive acts, but anyone who would equate them is simply wrong. Your actions do not excuse hers in any way.
Does she hit your daughter too? Or just you?
she wants me to talk to my daughter who was home at the time & apologize to her/soothe any fears she has to create a pathway to heal us all - which of course i'm willing to do. however the ask was that i alone have to goto my daughter to do this. i feel like my daughter has been lied to and half-truthed for her WHOLE life about my behavior & reactions to violence against ME. when i have the presence of mind to leave when i recognize my wife is triggered, my wife has made the choice to include my daughter in whatever she's going through & telling her her victim-type story about me about me and whatever's just transpired. she doesn't put herself in the picture as co-creating a situation. i'm absolutely responsible for my part in this & look forward to healing whatever rifts exist between my daughter and i/my wife and i/the family as a unit, but i drew another BOUNDARY at speaking to my daughter about this (right now) when she doesn't have a context created by her mother to truly understand both mine AND her mother's actions.