Relationship My wife hits me

Look, there's a difference between yelling and throwing/punching objects and actual physical abuse of another human being. They may all be abusive acts, but anyone who would equate them is simply wrong. Your actions do not excuse hers in any way.

Does she hit your daughter too? Or just you?
we've certainly both chastised out daughter with spanking nothing outside of the ordinary much more when she was younger compared to recently. when she's triggered - my wife hits ME not my daughter. i'd never allow that. i also should clarify that violence between us has been (seems like) few and far between over our nearly 14 years together. however, 10+ times later when i see the situation going left, my senses are heightened & on full alert. although we talked for over 3 hours last night, in the end she was still struggling to see herself as in the wrong. she was sick of hearing that she hit me wanting to get past the main thing with only cursorily owning it. she planted her flag on the fact that I triggered HER, which i did do - unintentionally. but my position is that the response isn't to hit me - under any circumstances. i'm standing there and immoveable.

she wants me to talk to my daughter who was home at the time & apologize to her/soothe any fears she has to create a pathway to heal us all - which of course i'm willing to do. however the ask was that i alone have to goto my daughter to do this. i feel like my daughter has been lied to and half-truthed for her WHOLE life about my behavior & reactions to violence against ME. when i have the presence of mind to leave when i recognize my wife is triggered, my wife has made the choice to include my daughter in whatever she's going through & telling her her victim-type story about me about me and whatever's just transpired. she doesn't put herself in the picture as co-creating a situation. i'm absolutely responsible for my part in this & look forward to healing whatever rifts exist between my daughter and i/my wife and i/the family as a unit, but i drew another BOUNDARY at speaking to my daughter about this (right now) when she doesn't have a context created by her mother to truly understand both mine AND her mother's actions.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
"[some women don't feel cared for unless they're in conflict]"
It might be more accurate to say that some PEOPLE are that way. (I can't offer an explanation because I totally don't get it.)

My ex-husband & I tried couples therapy for a little while. The first session, the therapist said, "You have 3 choices. Live with things the way they are, change things, or get out of the relationship." (A good friend added to that "And you don't get to bitch about it if you go with option #1.) It really is as simple as that.

What does your wife say about all this in her more rational moments? Does she realize it's a problem? Is she actively trying to improve things? Keep in mind that kids learn a lot about what's "normal" by what they see in their families of origin. At some level, your daughter is either picking up that it's ok to be out of control and violent or that it's ok to be treated that way by someone you're in a "loving" relationship with.

In my own marriage, I said that first session that I was not willing to live with things the way they were. Because I wasn't. A couple weeks later, my ex announced that he'd been as he was his whole life and was too old to change. I left that session and headed right to a law office it file for divorce. Because I really wasn't prepared to live like that for the rest of my life and I knew he didn't see any reason to change.

I just read your last post. Around here, the thinking tends to be not that one person triggers another but that we can BE triggered by stuff. In other words, although your wife might have been triggered by something you did or said, YOU didn't do it. The reaction was hers and she's the one who needs to deal with it. It might seem like splitting hairs but there's a difference between thinking someone triggered you and realizing that you were triggered by something. (And the difference has something to do with accepting responsibility.) Even if someone is deliberately triggering you, it's in your own best interest to learn to manage your own issues.

As far as apologizing to your daughter.....I can see apologizing for your actual role is something, but I sure can't see apologizing for your wife's behavior. That's HER mess to clean up. Seems like there's maybe a pattern of her blowing up and others trying to fix things. She's going to be stuck exactly where she is until she understands that SHE has to deal with HER problems. No one else can. She might not be willing to work on her own stuff. And, when you think about it, why would she if the important people in her life are willing to take what she dishes out and make excuses for her?
 
I wish boundaries were easier in these types of situations. I wish it was just as simple as leaving. But it's not.

In your shoes, I would try to explain to Daughter that was Mom does should be totally out of bounds. Right now, she is absorbing all the information available, which is that it's OK for Mom to hit because Dad yells, which is a great way for this shit to get passed on to the next generation. Ideally you should tell Mom, when she hits you and Daughter is around, "I am not OK with that. Hitting is wrong, and hitting me is wrong."

Maybe you've already tried this. Anyway, sending all my support. I was also in a DV relationship and abused by my wife, although our circumstances were quite different. It sucks. I hope she stops.
 

nursenurse

MyPTSD Pro
What you accept is what your daughter will accept in her life. Right now this is a toxic environment for her…not of her choosing. You owe her peace and stability. So does her Mom, but the only person you can control is you. Set your boundaries, and stick with them, none of this wishywashy stuff and trying to explain to your daughter why all the toxicity in her world. You don’t advocate for your wife, as someone else said, that is her mess to clean up, you advocate for your daughter and her right to as normal an existence as possible. Of course some explanation is needed without demonizing her Mom. Just my opinion, of course, as with any other suggestions, take what you will and shelve the rest.
 

Sideways

Moderator
she wants me to talk to my daughter who was home at the time & apologize to her/soothe any fears she has to create a pathway to heal us all - which of course i'm willing to do.
Apologies are really important.

But they're worth SFA if nothing actually changes. And your daughter is entitled to, and needs to, feel safe. Around both of you.

Right now, both of you are failing to provide to provide a safe home for your child. That's got to be the number one priority. Whatever is required, do it for your child. Everything else comes second to that.
 
Apologies are really important.

But they're worth SFA if nothing actually changes. And your daughter is entitled to, and needs to, feel safe. Around both of you.

Right now, both of you are failing to provide to provide a safe home for your child. That's got to be the number one priority. Whatever is required, do it for your child. Everything else comes second to that.
indeed. no arguments here. this is 100 & we get to get our shit all the way together.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @WORD_SOUND_POWER , you've had lots of replies and advice and I'm sure it's alot to take in but I just want to say something.

My dad was abusive and violent throughout my entire life, especially through childhood and as a young adult. It totally f*cked me up and caused everyone serious mental illness. I'm 45 now and only just sorted myself out (as best I can).

You and your wife must find a way forward to stop this from happening anymore. For the sake of your child. Because it will affect her very badly.
 
thank you for your courage in speaking up, words. i sorely need to talk about, openly and freely, but? ? ? battered husbands and their abusers might be the most secretive society on the planet. on the rare opportunities that arise to discuss the horrors of it, unoffensive words are hard to come by.
thx for your honesty, Arfie. she's never REALLY damaged me. i've def taken blows, but thankfully - none of them have been critical. (although i'm sure she could find something heavy and blunt or sharp & catch me while i'm sleeping,) the hitting is ultimately the smallest of this set of problems. Hitting is a symptom of something far worse that we're just now able to wrap our heads around.

yesterday, i had a session w/my regular counselor & described the whole situation in detail to her. she helped me understand how 1) when my wife's triggered, to her: i stop being "me" & become something more like "dangerous human" & 1a) that THAT is a cycle on repeat in her head. she helped me get that even though we've spent LOTS of time talking since then, exchanged apologies, came up with strategies, etc 2) she still wakes up triggered the next day w/me as "dangerous human". & 2a) THAT'S why she doesn't seem to remember what we talked about or at least begin the day from the new space/peace/agreements we've reached. that 3) there's no way of knowing how long it'll take for her to come out of this cycle of spinning out of control in DEEP fear. She also helped me to see 4) what a LONG process this will be & that 4a) i CAN choose to be involved and at what level, and 4b) we discussed some of the costs.

we have a session with a psychiatrist (that we don't know) that was recommended through someone we both trust for sunday to meet us, mediate a conversation & make some determinations on how to move forward.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
So, I understand her being triggered, but in all this time she hasn't learned to control her behavior while triggered? It can be done and regardless of what the counselor said, she is responsible for her behavior. Many people with PTSD feel that they get a free pass on their behavior when triggered. No. We all seek to get better, and being responsible for our behavior is important for healing.
 
The only advice I can give is to draw a hard line and stand by it.

BUT??? DV is reeeeeeeally easy to misconstrue when it’s a female on male attack. So just for the sake of practicality in an imperfect world? Rather than throwing her out when she gets violent, to take the kids and walk out your own self // refuse to engage.

CYA. Domestic Violence Laws are a pit of vipers beneath the sewage treatment facility, next to the illegal dumping of toxic & nuclear waste.
this is what i've done. hard line. don't. hit. me. she's sick of hearing about it, but i'm not hearing the shift in her. recently i've heard "i just pushed you" "i just threw a spoon". these aren't acknowledging the immensity of what was happening in the past, just prior or just after. so i keep bringing it up. but she's been triggered since sunday from what i can tell & even though it's friday - its still sunday.

a problem that i have is that my daughter is more comfortable with her mom. i'm not going to do the whole "she's poisoned her against me", but mom's perspective is undoubtedly all over the way my daughter views this. so when all of this happened, SHE took my daughter to her mom's because DADDY was being violent & i didn't get to take my daughter to a safe place. my WIFE should've left to go get herself together at her parent's or wherever & left ME with our daughter. but that wasn't the case.

that day when she was leaving (day 2), i was scared. i told her oldest friend what had happened & the friend contacted my wife. the convo didn't go well & when i arrived she was hysterical and ranting about how i'd turned the friend against her and lied. she had a backback & rain clothes & sunglasses & left. i didn't know where she was going. like a half hour later she comes back still in (now) semi-hysterics & tells my daughter to get ready - that THEY'RE leaving. no discussion. no notification of where. not even addressing me. in a move i've never taken in my 47 years, i eventually called 911. both of them started to PANIC. it was bedlam & my daughter matched my wife's level. something i'd never seen before. i didn't complete the call - when the operator started asking for my location, i told her the situation changed & thanks & hung up. it was horrifying to see that my wife had my daughter ready to think that i or somebody else was going to get ACS involved & she was going to foster care. it was this same sort of "A-skip-to-Z" black/white thinking i'd seen from her mom. but my wife got it together enough to show me the uber order page, got her parents on the line & Pops said he'd call me when they arrived.

seeing the fear. the pain. the disgust. knowing i had a part in it, but KNOWING my part isn't the way its been construed - i let them go. my daughter hasn't been back. that was 4 days ago
 
You and your wife must find a way forward to stop this from happening anymore. For the sake of your child. Because it will affect her very badly.
This is the most important part for me.
I'm horrified that this is our life right now.
My wife has these glaring issues that are finally at the surface that we can deal with/work on/prevent.
Now i'm understanding the wider effects & how this type of sickness is TRANSFERABLE.

I'm understanding this feeling I've had for a while of sitting on a live explosive.
the detonator is literally my mouth.
regrettably, sometimes i lose control of what i'm saying & how i'm saying it.

for me: the way forward is me being mindful of my words 100% of the time.
i can't say what hers is, but although i haven't done it yet, i know i'm capable.
 
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