My Worst Fear

[keifer]

I'm active but due where I'm at, its all off base care. I'm seeing someone at the vet center as I dont trust the va either at this point. I did switch hospitals but they won't transfer records and my new PA freaked out when I told him I had ptsd over this.

I wish at times I had my assault 12 gauge and the hospital could clean 3 floors of glass walls in the lobby of my blood and brains. Other times, I wish I was having a good day.

Thanks for the replies, not sure what I'll do. I feel I'm past the Humpty dumpty stage.

 

[digger]

I had a buddy with me. They seperate you then have you sign your life away.

I understand your fear, but this was before you or your buddy were aware that anything like this could happen. You are more clued up now. You are in a position to go and tell them exactly what you want and don't want this time and that can include having your buddy with you up to the last possible point that he can't be. It is unlikely that they would actually allow him in the operating room for example, but if you explain your fears he should be able to stay at least up to the point of you going in.

 

[EverOnly358]

@keifer,

I'm terrified of doctors, hospitals, dentists, therapists. It's getting better, but it's been SO hard. I went to a lot of different dentists before I found one that I trusted enough and they still had to give me anesthesia in order to get anything done. I insisted that my husband stay by my side and protect me while I was out. The second I was conscious, I ran/stumbled from the building, even with everyone trying to stop me. It was almost impossible for me to go to the dentist then, but I'm much happier now that it's done. I don't know if this helps, I just wanted you to know I relate, even though your experience has been so much worse than mine!

These days I'm doing a little bit better about all these things. Before going into the doctor's office or therapy now, I use a lot of good coping mechanisms. I listen to music really loud, wear sunglasses, eat a mint or a butterscotch, sniff my perfume, count colors (mindfulness, basically) and practice my breathing and grounding techniques. It seems like these little things shouldn't be enough, but little by little, it is getting easier. I hope you can find a way to feel safe enough to go in and get your knee taken care of. You deserve to feel better. I wish you the very best of luck whatever you decide.

Be strong and be well,
EverOnly

 

[Mercy]

I feel I'm past the Humpty Dumpty stage.

Wow, I really get that. And it is true that all the King's soldiers and all the Kings men can't put you or me back together again. I hear the rage and anger at being injured and left out in the cold. There is no medic coming to pick you up and carry you to safety. The war now is inside you.

It is true that those of us with PTSD will never be the same. But we can learn what sets us off, stressors and triggers and work on disarming them, lowering the intense effect they can have on us. We can find ways to be less hypervigilant. It was good in battle not so great in the supermarket stateside. I still think I see someone there with my peripheral vision. I turn my head and there is nothing there, just the edge of my glasses. Yet the stress response has gone off anyway. The brain producing a biochemical cascade of adrenalin and others. Now, I know it takes 20 minutes for the body to clear those chemicals that set off the fight/flight/freeze responses

Any future damage like amnesia can be almost too heavy of a pack to carry. You can talk with the anesthesiologist and go over your options. Maybe a knee replacement can be done with a spinal which numbs only the part of you below where the medicine is given. You can remain alert and awake the whole time. Be sure to tell the Anesthesia Dr. about your reaction to your previous operation.

keifer, I've only just met you. Please feel free to message me if I can help in any way.
I hope the day comes when you can say quietly,"Soldiier, at ease" and "Dismissed" when your personal war is not so dangerous feeling.

 

[franciemarnie]

Everyone here has such great feedback and ideas.

I was thinking this morning that in the end - no matter what safeguards we take - if we have to go under in a procedure, we simply cannot control the outcome definitively. Kind of like life. We do the best we can and - since we are Not God - have to let go when there is no more action we can take to influence an outcome.

It helps to have faith, but as a PTSDer with trauma from childhood, and having read hundreds of memoirs of abuse victims and histories of man's inhumanity to man, it can be difficult to believe that divine intervention will happen as needed. Still I believe there is a greater good at work, but that's another story.

I guess in the end, we can only do our best, make the decision that makes the most sense with the information that we have and accept the chips will fall where they may. Easier said than done!