Naming and understanding multiple emotions

[shimmerz]

The Corner Session Posting starts in my diary in post #423. It was freaking fascinating at the time. I spoke with my T about the experience and his jaw dropped. 'That's exactly the way it would happen' he said.
Yes, I know. I felt it. It was absolutely authentic. And it had me see; feel; relive what it felt like that very first time I dissociated due to fear of other human beings.

And there were a lot of moving parts to this experience. I have drawn on this over and over again throughout the years. This time I have looked back in my diary and found a real gem. I said it and knew it at the time but I just didn't know how to apply it because I didn't actually know what it felt like.

And over the past month or so I have felt it leak out at nighttime. Shame. And it was stunning to feel.

That these were two very big people and it was wrong of me to feel badly that I couldn't get away. And that if I was going to get healthy, I needed to drop the shame.

But I actually thought that because I wasn't feeling the shame that shame was not a 'thing' with me. Wrong. That was the clue. I didn't feel it because I had shut it down. I had tied the shame into the catatonic behaviour which made shame not a safe place to visit or reflect upon.

Sad --> Guilty --> Ashamed

There you have it. Acknowledge it, feel it, release it.

 

[shimmerz]

Wow. Just wow.

Link Removed

Conversion Disorder DSM|Treatment for Conversion Disorder

Yeah, and for me it is all about paralysis. I am trapped and am ashamed that I cannot save my children from the man that I allowed to be their father. And the children have become mini-me's of their father so now I am fighting 5 of them rather than just my ex. It is a feeling and a strong one at that, of not being able to escape. Just like the corner session.

 

[Muttly]

I think you are doing some great work here @shimmerz I took a look at the wheel you were looking and a voice in my brain said "ACK!" and we closed the link. Heh. I guess I'm not ready to go digging that deep into emotions. I think what you are doing is really interesting though.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Happy > Content > Free & Joyful

Content is in that line so there is some level of happiness in me. I feel pride in doing what had to be done...I pushed through the muck and took an important step in my 'recovery'. I'm not letting myself "future trip" as my therapist calls it. I won't try to predict what is going to happen tomorrow or Thursday. I know I need outpatient care and I'll try to live in this moment until I walk through the doors of the hospital.

 

[shimmerz]

Happy > Content > Free & Joyful

Yeah, see this is what I like about doing this. It is a surprise to me that I can actually come up with a feeling of happy or content or whatever. I don't think I would acknowledge it without taking the time to write it down. Acknowledgement of this is becoming, for me, more and more validating that my life isn't entirely a shit show. Mostly it is, but not entirely.

 

[shimmerz]

I just went to put my feelings down here again and they go something like
Respected --> Accepted --> Happy

And I realized that there are WAY more negative emotions on this wheel than positive and am wondering if that is generally the way it is in life in general or if this wheel is just shitty. I want more positive options. :shifty:

 

[MrMoonlight]

I don't think I would acknowledge it without taking the time to write it down.

You are so right @shimmerz , taking a moment to recognize victories no matter the size amplifies them or makes them visible, for me anyway. It's so easy to miss them when living the amped up lives we live. My attention is always drawn towards fear, anxiety and worry so my little (sometimes big) victories go unnoticed and recognized.

I wonder if there are better wheels out there.?

 

[shimmerz]

I wonder if there are better wheels out there.?

I am going to look. Honestly, it would be terrific if I could find a wheel with words like annihilation, or I feel like a X year old, or feel like I am going insane. I think I would be hard pressed to find one though. I wonder if others here would be able to populate such a wheel? :joyful:

 

[MrMoonlight]

lol shimmerz, yeah man that's our wheel. :joyful: :facepalm:

 

[MrMoonlight]

Thankful > Peaceful > Happy

I choose to recognize this moment. I have been feeling very thankful and it has a lot to do with this place. Didn't realize thankful and peace were on the same line. I guess they are related.?

 

[Abstract]

@shimmerz :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

yeah man that's our wheel

Right?????

Didn't realize thankful and peace were on the same line.

I just can't get over the fact that I actually lived my life as a complete emotional dolt. *heavy sigh* Teaching my brain differently hopefully through this thread. I know I think about emotions a lot more lately - which I despise. Feels like I am drinking a bottle of Buckley's. "Tastes terrible but it works'. :rolleyes:

@shimmerz :hug:

Ah, thanks @Abstract. Feels like Chinese torture.. :sorry: