Narc Ptsd And Reenactment Issues?

[mary1979]

It'll be a crap load harder to get a diagnosis for autism as a young adult anyway, and there's no medication for it either so diagnosis isn't a necessity except for helping you go easier on yourself about your problems empathising.

Maybe just mention the idea of autism at your next appointment, if you want piece of mind, its not something they'd consider at your age.

 

[xraydave]

Man, this may not mean much if i do have autism and may just come off weird, but thank you all. i feel so much better knowing that these problems im having with people around me, or these problems which come in the form of patterns that have been there my whole life, maybe, are not all my fault..

 

[GardenGirl0214]

I'm not psychologist or psychiatrist, but you don't sound like a narcissist. You sound very open to changing what you can, and that is something to give yourself credit for. I have no words of wisdom, but I admire your strength to look at where you can make change.

 

[Mallaky]

@xraydave

Hey there. I have been very open about the fact that I have been where you are now. When I was at my worst, a few years ago, I behaved horribly, most of all to my partner. Low empathy and high aggression. For me it was PTSD that was at that point unknown to me, an alcohol issue, an unmedicated hormone problem, generel immaturity but, and I think that is important, most of all it was a great deal of confusion and misunderstood pain.

None of my (sometimes very bad) behavior came from a wish to be bad or do bad. I just did not know any better. Luckily, when I got better my partner had it in him to forgive me for everything. Like you I come from a severely narcissistic family, and for a time I was afraid I was one of them. I was not.

But I was very immature. I think everybody raised by narcissists faces this issue to some degree. I had to teach myself how to be calm and understanding, first to myself and then to others. When one lives a lifetime of being told one is wrong, stupid or hysterical by cruel narcissist it will take some time and learning and growing up, and a lot of mistakes, to learn another way. Empathy is a skill that needs to be developed. Staying calm, expressing oneself clearly in times of emotional turmoil, treating others better then oneself has been treated, all of this takes a great deal of learning and catching up.

You are very young. It doesn't seem that way with 20, but you are. You have only just entered the phase of your life where you can take controll of your self. It's only just starting.

You want to realize that you are handicapped. You have to deal with underdeveloped emotional growth, because you were not provided what young people need to have provided: A upbringing that prepares them for navigating the deep sea of human interaction and connection.
This is something that can be overcome.

Some people say that if brute force is not working, one is simply not using enough. I never found that to be true. Brute force is the one thing we learn from a narcissistic upbringing, and this is a problem where that approach fails. This is a problem of patience and understanding. Its about listening not shouting. First to yourself, and only then can you extend it to others. You seem to be making good progress already. Good luck on your journey, mate.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

i feel so much better knowing that these problems im having with people around me, or these problems which come in the form of patterns that have been there my whole life, maybe, are not all my fault..

Fault lies with those that abused you! Yes, as adults we need to be responsible for our behaviors and gain therapy to move through it but its not your fault.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Empathy has to be learned or rather nurtured. As as young as baby you see mums pretending to cry when the baby hits or nips them. And later while playing if a child hits a toy, you would make the toy pretend to cry or say "ouch Sarah that hurt, you hurt me I'm sad" and encourage the little one to apologise or cuddle the toy. In an environment where empathy was not present and perhaps even discouraged from family life it seems that obviously you would have issues with it now. I mean who wouldn't in that environment.

From what you said in too thought at first perhaps you're on the spectrum. But if your family are "narcs" then they wouldn't have had the skills to teach and encourage your empathetic growth as a child.

Of course it can be taught now and it's definitely somthing to work on in your therapy. I can't see anything in your post to suggest NPD.

 

[mary1979]

Empathy has to be learned or rather nurtured. As as young as baby you see mums pretending to c...

Its so interesting that you say that about empathy needing to be taught.

(sorry to veer this off course xray, feel free to tell me off if this isn't helpful to you)

Wait... Never mind. Thinking about this post and my reply answered my own ponderings doh.

I was going to say that I was not taught empathy, however have TONNES of that shit for others, where I lack it though, is for myself

Well no duh. I was TAUGHT to feel sorry for my poor hard done by parents, and not for myself.

Of course in that light empathy comes naturally dumb ass.

I wonder then xray, did your parents, brothers, family in general ever expect you to see things from their perspective? To feel FOR them?

If not then its totally plausible you never learned it as a personal trait. It was never expected of you to begin with.

 

[xraydave]

I wonder then xray, did your parents, brothers, family in general ever expect you to see things from their perspective? To feel FOR them?

I can say that my dad never showed his emotions, or told me to feel for him. My mum does say she was sad, when I moved out to go to university and asks me whether i feel bad for her. My brother never really tells us to see things from his perspective. They may share their emotions like anger, if they are mad at something I said.

 

[mary1979]

I can say that my dad never showed his emotions, or told me to feel for him. My mum does say she was...

Guess you have your answer then don't you?

No one ever bothered to SHOW you how to care for others.

You got some learning to do :)

Here will be an awesome place to start.
Find a random post.
If it were you, what would you like to be told?
Say it.

 

[ghotiff]

Empathy is a mostly a taught skill in my opinion. I'm raising children and it's something that I'm actively teaching them, and I see them learning, changing from oblivious to understanding.

How were you meant to learn when no one taught you, no one modeled it for you, and then you got abuse thrown on top. You are young, intelligent and motivated, you'll get there.

 

[xraydave]

Guess you have your answer then don't you?

No one ever bothered to SHOW you how to care for others....

That's a well thought of question. I dont know what to say, but this would be very helpful in teaching me to overcome this fear of not communicating well and also, knowing what to say in general, when a person is speaking with me.

it's going to be a little difficult from here, and i think you're right, it may have something to do with autism - it's a bit hard to just think of something in my head, when it comes to how i may be making others feel and basically, even how my behaviours and communications would come off to others. that's a difficult area too.

thank you for making me realize it, despite our previous misunderstandings, i think youve really helped me out. like a lot, as well. (also, this is answering the question you asked me :hug:)

 

[EveHarrington]

It's not so easy as to say this isn't NPD (which is the extreme end of narcissism-----one can be narcissistic without having NPD as its a criterion/numbers game when you get right down to it); or this isn't BPD------because each disorder presents in a specific way------until you have a marriage of the two. When BPD traits meet NPD traits (notice I said traits) then you end up with an interesting mix that can be a bit of an atypical presentation of either disorder.

Having the traits and not the full blown disorder (as may be the case) doesn't mean there isn't a problem. Personality disorder traits are indeed learned but that doesn't mean the person is not responsible for their behavior. (They still are-----just as with PTSD, we are still responsible for our own behavior.)

Please let arguments die where they lie. I find it quite aggressive to call out members in another thread just to say I'm not sorry. No, this isn't cool as you're perpetuating strife in the community. Please examine this behavior as a potential cause as to why it's hard for you to get along with others.