I´m new here and as I am reading post it hits me- - it´s THAT time of the year again.
Not sure if this is a good first posting but it´s something I need to deal with and pretty fast too.
It´s one of those holidays where everyone is supposes to be happy, surronded by friends and/or family and celebrate summer in a traditional way. Well, growing up I always felt pressured to be happy, behave like a happy little girl and as my father loved sailing, his plans were always to meet his friends or family. I do have some good memories of this but I felt his and my mothers "complicated" relatiship aswell. So I tried to be what was expected of me.
I love the sea and if I could have my way I would be near water with people I feel safe with.
Now, people I feel safe around are not many and given this is a family oriented celebration, everyone I know ha plans. i don´t have kids so like most holidays I feel left out in that aspect.
I had forgotten(suppressed is more likely) about it but a call from my mother last week brought out the inevitable and today it hit why I freak out nowdays whenever these occations are coming up.
She invited me to her home since her siblings decided she was hosting this year.
My relationship with my mother is toxic and very entangled and has been my whole life. When I was younger(but adult) and my grandmother was alive it was even worse and I ended up working hence making sure I didn´t have to be exposed to the emotional och mental abuse.
Being labled "the difficult child" at the age of 5 has stuck with until today and is one of the reasons to why I cringe everytime I am "supposed to be with family".
Since I was diagnosed 2 years ago my relationship with my mother has been a rollercoaster of rank. Last spring I(finally) made the decision to take a step back and told her I need a break. It took SO much energy and effort to actually do that and even if the result was sort of good, I was scared the whole time. Scared that she would refuse me because I made that decision without her consent.
Wow. I just wrote that. As I read my own words I know how wrong that sounds...right.
Anyway, the solution became only spending short amounts of time with her when my brother and his wife was present. Even though this poses another problem(my brother has always been the favorite that can do no wrong. He´s also her biological son) it worked.
But he´s not joining this year.
Who is joining is my aunt, uncle, my cousin and their children. My cousin and I are very close and always have been. But there is something that only my brother knows and this is the first time I have ever voiced this to anyone else.
My uncle is the family member that has...touched me...many times when I grew up and as a teenager.
His birthday is on the same day as the holiday. He is also dying from a number of things. The past 3 years I have put on a face, hid in the crowed, tried not to show anything which of course makes me exhausted which I have had to apologize for.
I don´t know what to do or how to handle this this year!
If I don´t go I will feel abandoned(my mothers choices have had some very bad results on me over the years)and if I do I´ll have to pretend again and I don´t know IF I can do that?!
I feel trapped.
What can I do?
Not sure if this is a good first posting but it´s something I need to deal with and pretty fast too.
It´s one of those holidays where everyone is supposes to be happy, surronded by friends and/or family and celebrate summer in a traditional way. Well, growing up I always felt pressured to be happy, behave like a happy little girl and as my father loved sailing, his plans were always to meet his friends or family. I do have some good memories of this but I felt his and my mothers "complicated" relatiship aswell. So I tried to be what was expected of me.
I love the sea and if I could have my way I would be near water with people I feel safe with.
Now, people I feel safe around are not many and given this is a family oriented celebration, everyone I know ha plans. i don´t have kids so like most holidays I feel left out in that aspect.
I had forgotten(suppressed is more likely) about it but a call from my mother last week brought out the inevitable and today it hit why I freak out nowdays whenever these occations are coming up.
She invited me to her home since her siblings decided she was hosting this year.
My relationship with my mother is toxic and very entangled and has been my whole life. When I was younger(but adult) and my grandmother was alive it was even worse and I ended up working hence making sure I didn´t have to be exposed to the emotional och mental abuse.
Being labled "the difficult child" at the age of 5 has stuck with until today and is one of the reasons to why I cringe everytime I am "supposed to be with family".
Since I was diagnosed 2 years ago my relationship with my mother has been a rollercoaster of rank. Last spring I(finally) made the decision to take a step back and told her I need a break. It took SO much energy and effort to actually do that and even if the result was sort of good, I was scared the whole time. Scared that she would refuse me because I made that decision without her consent.
Wow. I just wrote that. As I read my own words I know how wrong that sounds...right.
Anyway, the solution became only spending short amounts of time with her when my brother and his wife was present. Even though this poses another problem(my brother has always been the favorite that can do no wrong. He´s also her biological son) it worked.
But he´s not joining this year.
Who is joining is my aunt, uncle, my cousin and their children. My cousin and I are very close and always have been. But there is something that only my brother knows and this is the first time I have ever voiced this to anyone else.
My uncle is the family member that has...touched me...many times when I grew up and as a teenager.
His birthday is on the same day as the holiday. He is also dying from a number of things. The past 3 years I have put on a face, hid in the crowed, tried not to show anything which of course makes me exhausted which I have had to apologize for.
I don´t know what to do or how to handle this this year!
If I don´t go I will feel abandoned(my mothers choices have had some very bad results on me over the years)and if I do I´ll have to pretend again and I don´t know IF I can do that?!
I feel trapped.
What can I do?
