Relationship Need Advice On How To Help My Best Friend

[Konart]

Hi all.

One of my best friends, whom I have feelings for, has had PTSD since he was a child. He was sexually abused by a family member, and didn't have the best family support system growing up. He's a Marine veteran who has done two tours in Iraq, and didn't expect to come back from deployment. We are both in our late twenties, btw. Most of his life, he has never felt like he belonged. After he got out of the marine corps, he's moved to three different areas due to not finding what makes him happy. Three years ago, he moved to a new state and met his ex whom he felt he could spend the rest of his life with. Six months ago, they broke up, and it nearly killed him. I tried to be there for him through out all of his experiences, especially the last half a year, and even had to convince him by phone to not kill himself. That was one of the scariest moments of my life.

Since then, he's moved back to where I live, and it seemed like he was doing a lot better. No panic attacks, not as much insomnia, laughing more. But today, he talked to me about feeling down and depressed. Like, that void is still there, the feeling of not knowing what he's meant to do here in life... and he doesn't know how to fix the root of the problem. He's had counseling and wants to get back into it... my question to you all, is, how do I help him? How do I be there for him? And more of a support system? What can he do to free himself from this? I care so deeply about this man, and I want to do all that I can to let him feel comfortable and not alone. I am a very patient person, and am willing to try anything. I have already told him multiple times that I am available day or night for him to talk, vent, whatever need be, and that it didn't matter if he was circling around over and over again in his conversations with me. Nothing would seem repetitive. I am an ear, shoulder, friend, "counselor", and someone who loves him very much. Lastly, I've told him that yes, he must face his demons (as he's said he's had to do multiple of times), but that he will NEVER have to face those demons alone. I've always got his back.

Again... what can I do? What should HE do?

Thank you for taking the time to read, everyone.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a sufferer. A few words of advice...

It is awesome that you want to support him, but this support needs to fall short of being a "counselor" or pseudo-therapist. You're not trained to be able to hear about his trauma or to give him therapeutic advice. This is best left to professionals. There have been a number of posts here on the forum where a supporter has tried to listen to the nitty-gritty of trauma and it has had a negative effect on the supporter. It can also be harmful to the sufferer to open up in an unstructured environment as you won't know how to help him if he has a bad reaction (ie extreme dissociation, etc). Sufferers have also posted that after opening up to people and disclosing details, that the other person cut off contact. I'm not trying to scare you, rather let you know that the best support is as a friend, not by being a therapist.

I also encourage you to just stay friends for now. Again, not to scare you, but even the best of relationships are stressful to a sufferer. Sadly, there is oftentimes a cycle of isolation that the supporter doesn't really understand. You can help him most as a friend right now even though you have strong feelings for him. Friends don't bring on as much stress. Many sufferers don't isolate from friends (as much) as we do from romantic interests. If you've loved him this long, you can wait until he's further along in treatment. And yes, once he's feeling better, the chances of the two of you possibly being together are so much greater.

 

[keifer]

My sister is a social worker type. It has been hard for her in her role as a supporter. You don't need advice from your friends, just acceptance.

I went to a Vet Center, separate from the VA. It's free and it's an option for your friend if he has tried the VA already. It has to be his choice to get help.

 

[Caterpillar]

As someone who has been on both sides, it sounds to me like you're already doing the right things. Just being there to listen and offering unconditional acceptance is pretty much what a supporter does. The other thing you can do is educate yourself on PTSD (this site is a great place to start). I say to do this mostly for your own sake, so that you understand his behaviors and don't take PTSD-related things personally.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Welcome @Konart! What an awesome friend you are :) Your friend is very lucky to have you. I recommend getting this book:
When Someone You Love Suffers from Posttraumatic Stress: What to Expect and What You Can Do. You can purchase the book on Amazon and there is a free book preview so you can view the table of contents and some excerpts in the chapters.

There are chapters in there on all of the things your friend has experienced from sexual abuse to war. It also discusses forms of therapies that are effective for PTSD, how to care for yourself while being a supporter, and Anthony (the forum owner) has great articles in the articles section of the forum located on the top of the page.

Learning everything you can about PTSD and encouraging your friend to see someone who specializes in trauma and PTSD is the best way.

That depression he is going through. I know it well. Gently remind him that he is safe, he is having a normal reaction to abnormal and horrific events, it is not his fault and he is not crazy....that really really helps me when my husband tells me that when I'm having PTSD episodes.