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[TLight]

Hello all.......

I'm trying to grow, really I am.

Here's a recent 'situation' in my life.

I finally obtained a safe job where I was treated well and made good friends with the owners of the nursery. I trusted them enough to tell them my story, in fact, I asked them to read my book that I'm attempting to publish and get their feedback, i.e. where do you get confused, bored, etc........general readability.

After obtaining the manuscript, they said they didn't want to provide feedback, that was an editors job. I said OK..........boy, they had a lot of personal information now about what goes on in my mind with PTSD. They sort of started 'parenting' me, in a supportive way..........but it was feeling weird.

I moved into a new apartment recently and the landlord started 'stalking' me and leaving messages saying he 'missed me' etc. We sat on the deck and had a cocktail one time. I did, unfortunately, mention I was dealing with PTSD. He's way older, a drinker, has a girlfriend whom he is 'purchasing' according to the neighbors. He offered to pay my propane bill, etc. I was once again being harassed.

So I'm relating the story of how he is harassing me to my 'friend.' I told her after nicely trying to tell the guy to leave me alone, I'm now having to compose a letter as to the terms of interaction with him in order for me to stay here. I cc'd my attorney.

My 'friends' response is; "Well, perhaps this will make you stronger."

I got angry........I've been through so much sexual harassment on the job and dealing with predators...........I just felt like I was being blamed AGAIN!!! THAT I'M SOMEHOW WEAK AND DESERVE TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP!

My therapist implied at our next session that I wear my victimization on my lap and I don't look people in the eye...............I strongly protested! I do look people in the eye and I'M TIRED OF GETTING BLAMED FOR OTHERS BAD BEHAVIOR! People have been blaming me all my life and I'm just friggen sick of it. I was very angry with my therapist. She later apologized. I think she realizes she lost my trust. I'm considered very attractive, single and I'm always getting HASSLED and I JUST PLAIN DON'T LIKE IT!!! IN FACT, IT TRIGGERS ME!

So, I realize my friend is just trying to be supportive. I call back and leave a message saying I apologize for my explosive outburst and explained why I was angry and that I forgive her for possibly mistating her words.

I get a letter back saying 'How dare I forgive her, forgive her for what? She has done nothing to be forgiven for and I'm angry because 'it's all in my head.' "

I'm sitting here, calm, thinking.........OK, if someone vandalized her vehicle every week for the past six years and they kept doing it, no matter how many times she called the cops, etc. So she is composing a letter to the sheriff and having it printed in the newspaper about how angry she is. She calls me and is very angry about having to deal with this crap AGAIN. So I say to her; "WEll, perhaps it will make you stronger." Like, wouldn't that be implying that she's weak and inviting this behavior into her life.

I just finished talking to a Vet (not a woman), who has PTSD and he said I need to look at how I dress, how I present myself, if I'm too friendly somehow, that I knew when I moved in the guy was a drinker, that I told him I had PTSD............etc. ESSENTIALLY, THAT I'M A VICTIM AND I SOMEHOW INVITED THIS INTO MY LIFE.

So, I'm considering all this.............I ABSOLUTELY HATE BEING BLAMED.........WHY THE *** DOESN'T SOMEONE BLAME THE PERPETRATORS!!! But no, I'm supposed to 'grow' and 'realize I'm weak and a victim' and modify my dress, the way my facial expressions are, etc. etc. SO I CAN BE STRONG..................I AM STRONG DAM IT........I'M STRONGER THAN ANY OF THESE PEOPLE KNOW!

So, where it stands now, the lesson I've learned is ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOU HAVE PTSD...........DO NOT TRUST ANYONE WITH YOUR STORY..........ESSENTIALLY, DO NOT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT YOUR REAL SELF AT ALL.......CAUSE THEY WILL BLAME YOU!!!!!!

 

[TLight]

PS..........I also realize I've have learned a big lesson here. Keep your mouth shut, even if you've known someone for a long time, do not trust them with this information. They will eventually use it to imply you are defective and 'it's all in your head.'
Also, I have told these 'friends' of my struggles and relied on them for support. I do see the fact that I initially viewed her supportive comment as a 'glass half empty' instead of a glass half full..............But the lack of an apology for 'it's all in your head' and the lack of blame for the perpetrator still angers me.
She wants to be friends still.........but I must say, with their 'parenting' stuff and then this...........I just want to bolt.
Am I all wrong here?

 

[TLight]

I'm not sure why this isn't showing in new posts?

 

[catjudo]

It is showing in new posts...it just wouldn't show up when YOU view new posts because you wrote it therefore you've already read it.

 

[Marlene]

PS..........I also realize I've have learned a big lesson here. Keep your mouth shut, even if you've known someone for a long time, do not trust them with this information. They will eventually use it to imply you are defective and 'it's all in your head.'

I learned this lesson, too. The hard way. Friends, a co-worker that I considered a friend, my boss...all of them took the information that I gave them in confidence and used it against me. My trust in almost all people was destroyed by this. Part of it was because it all happened in just a few months.

I'm very selective now in who I tell and what I tell. Part of the thing that I've learned is that I don't have to tell everyone everything. For a long time (don't ask me why) I felt like if someone knew any part of me then pretty much everything was open season. Now, if I only want to tell someone a small part...that's my right. I had to learn it was my decision how much of my life I shared.

Discrestion is the better part of valor. Especially when it's something that someone can use as a hammer against you later.

Lisa

 

[TLight]

Thanks Lisa;
Yes, I'm pretty much getting everyone out of my life right now and reinventing myself. I realize I've made a mistake of wearing my PTSD 'out front' so to speak, mostly because I was in the 'midst' of my healing process and so wanted to talk.........just this incredable urge to talk about the injustice, the hells I've been through, so wanting someone to just understand, not to get sympathy, just to have people acknowledge that I've had really crappy things done to me that have injured my brain and it makes my life difficult.........It sucks.

But I've realized that people will use it to judge your character. It is so damn unfair..........but I definately am going to start an entirely new life and NO ONE is going to know what I've been through and what I struggle with now. NO ONE...........

Lesson learned, so tired of this secondary wounding stuff.

 

[trial'n'error]

I would never tell anyone but family and fellow sufferers about any psychiatric diagnosis I might have. I've been totally burned by that one. Way to get stereotyped as weak and disposable, thanks to our crappy society.

 

[Mina]

I'm considered very attractive, single and I'm always getting HASSLED and I JUST PLAIN DON'T LIKE IT!!! IN FACT, IT TRIGGERS ME!
..........
I just finished talking to a Vet (not a woman), who has PTSD and he said I need to look at how I dress, how I present myself, if I'm too friendly somehow......

TLight,

The above portions of your post caught my attention. I too have been through a lot of hassling and harassment because of my looks, manner, dress, etc...didn't seem to matter whether I was married or single. I'm with you, I didn't like it either!

I think your vet friend has a good point, though. I didn't understand or realize it until a guy I was dating said something. At first he had gotten mad and was blaming me for it, but then he realized that I had no clue about boundaries, particularly with regard to the opposite sex and what is or is not appropriate. He actually sat me down and had a very clear, honest discussion with me about how I came across and what I was unconsciously/unknowingly doing to garner such attention. He didn't blame me anymore, but rather cautioned me how certain things can bring about certain other things - much like it sounds your vet friend did with you.

I was indignant at first, but later really appreciated his advice, and did start being more careful with how I behaved (especially with men), dressed, what I said, how I said it, etc. I wound up biting my tongue more than usual...but it was ultimately good. I don't deal with that crap anymore, because I have learned how to not make openings for it. And like I said before, I didn't even know I was doing anything that created openings for other people to behave in ways I didn't want them to. Please understand that I am not excusing their behavior or saying anyone but them caused it, but rather that there may be ways to cut it off before it can start.

Btw, I am now married to the guy who had that discussion with me. :smile: He's got guts, and I really respect that!

 

[TLight]

Thanks Mina;
This feedback has been very helpful. I do like to dress nicely, it is one of the things I enjoy......but my training is as a biologist, so most of the time, except one time in the summer, this guy only saw me in polartec and jeans.

I've pretty much decided that I don't interact with men who I'm not interested in at all.........just the cold shoulder. If I have to interact with them at work, then it's short, firm and not at all to be considered 'nice.' I've been blamed for being too nice too.

I just really go into a rage when I get blamed. It is really the one thing that gets me going. My family blamed me so much...........blamed me and said I deserved all the mistreatment I got. So when I feel like I'm being blamed.......I really go off. I guess I need to work on this one.

 

[midi]

I've got that trouble of unwanted sexual interest, from both sexes. If you even just talk to a guy for a couple minutes or have a short conversation, many of them believe you want them, or you're ready to get married, which is ridiculous. I did business with one guy (as a freelancer) and was short, curt, to the point, professional, and he stalked me until I moved away to the Rez. I've got witnesses who saw me interact with him--not once did I lead him on or be over friendly. He bullied me, followed me home, drove by my home constantly, came to the door (all despite being a married family man with a full time professional job!).

I've walked down the bloody street in painter clothes, my frizzy hair a mess, no makeup, paint all over me, minding my own business, and guys have actually stopped their cars to try and pick me up. One guy even saw me, turned his car around and followed me--I had to take a detour down allies to get away from the guy.

It doesn't matter what I say or don't say or do or don't do, I still get harassed. I have also been assaulted by women who refused to take NO for an answer, so it isn't a gender role thing. I don't dress like a "slut" and I'm certainly not over friendly (I'm anti-social), although I do talk when spoken to. My Ex had a really hard time dealing with the constant harassment and I mistakenly thought he was just being a cold hearted guy, but I see now that he couldn't deal. One of my former colleagues said it was my pheremones and it just drives people nuts.

So, what, we're supposed to accept that some people are uncontrollable dogs and we need to be aggressively anti-social, wear burkas, and stay home so they don't harass us? I also realize that if you are polite or listen to somebody who isn't used to respectable interaction, they do take it as interest in them, but the majority of my cases are totally out of the blue...

 

[TLight]

Midi;

Boy, this seems to be my biggest problem. Yes, men and women. Every time I walk out the door I feel like I'm being prayed upon. Even now and I'm 43! I feel like everyone wants something from me, particularly men.

The sad part is....I'm so lonely. I want someone, but trust no one. Especially men. They have been nothing but stress for me. Then I get called 'crazy.'

Really, I'm just scared. Lonely and scared.

 

[TLight]

Yes, I guess the answer is being unsocial. Don't interact with the opposite sex especially. It's so sad for me.

As I write this, I'm also realizing that it's distressing also not only because of the sexual harassment on the job, which contributed to a nervous breakdown.....but because I don't feel pretty on the inside. I feel crazy and when I go into these rages.......I know I'm damaged. And who would want that? I feel so abnormal.

You are lucky you have your husband. Every man I've ever trusted has put me down, hit me, or treated me like there slave and mother. I know this is because of my low self esteem. But I'm so unwilling to risk anymore.

Why do I feel bad about me when it's the dogs who have done the bad things? That is so stupid. But I have to figure out how to control this raging. I get so angry.....I've been through so much crap. Now I'm like a timebomb. The next poor guy to come along isn't going to be able to take it.

I'm working with my therapist on how to control the raging. The adrenaline surges so quickly and I go into 'kill' mode........it even scares me. I can't subject a boyfriend to this.

I'm so alone, no family, no bf, now no friends.