Need Help With A Question

[Elod]

I am a member but i am not comfortable being open about this just yet but need some outlook. I went though many types of child abuse from many people but this post is about sexual abuse. I have a wife and kids whom i love and am very committed to. But have always(since childhood) felt the abuse has left me with a question of gender as in if i should have been a girl. So my question is does any one else have issues with this and is it normal if so how do you handle it.

 

[Tunugo]

I think it is probably a spectrum of all shades from strong identity one way through to strong identity the other way.

The few people who I know who have had the doubts, have varied from questioning their identity until middle age, to being absolutely certain in their mid teens.

I gather that those who are certain, show up on brain scans in the female range, and after they have surgery, never have phantom pains, whereas about half or more of the men who suffer non volountary amputations, report phantom pain and sensations.

A friend who went through the choperation in his/her mid 40s, was well aware of the risks of stroke with hormone therapy, and of the finality of exchanging functioning organs for scar tissue, and knew people who had identified their gender as the one thing between them and a happy life, who had realized after surgery that they still felt the same insecurities and unhappiness as they had before...

The TV TS crowd who I knew in the 1990s were in the east midlands (Nottingham and Derby) but I would expect there to be groups who get together in most regional cities, and discussion sites on the net too.

I also have a friend who's first husband left her and the kids with no support when he went off to get the chop - she is incredibly bitter about it - you might be lucky, but I would imagine most spouses (of either gender) to be pretty unsympathetic to the person they've chosen to commit too, coming out as TS.

Tread very carefully if you do decide to explore.

 

[Ipav]

I'll just add, take a look at "lurking Rythmically" blog. Erin, who likes guns, my little ponies and role playing games, identifies as female, but wasn't born that way.

There was a bit of a coming out about a year back, and next to no adverse reaction from the gunny libertarian bloggers and their commentariate, even from those who identify as "conservatives".

 

[Adulu]

I'm trying to understand the question. Do you, yourself, feel like your "real" gender doesn't match your physical body. Like a man in a woman's body, basically? Or, were you abused by men and are wondering if maybe that happened because you're gay? Or that they, somehow, picked up some kind of female vibe from you somehow?

It's a complicated subject! There do seem to be a wide range of ways people experience their sexuality. And, personally, I think what ever someone "feels" as far as what works for them and what they're content with, that should be ok. I've heard of situations where, for example, a person may have been born female, but felt that wasn't the right gender, had sex change surgery done, and yet they were attracted to men. Which means they're a trans-sexual homosexual, I guess? I find it confusing (and imagine they would too!) but it is what it is, IMO.

But, I think it's not uncommon for boys who were abused by men to have that raise questions about their sexuality. I think this is a separate issue. Men who sexually abuse boys are working off their own attractions, preferences, and issues and I don't think that says anything about the victim, other than that they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

What ever your own situation, I can see where this would be hard to talk about. In a perfect world, you'd get nothing but support and sincere attempts to understand. We don't live in a perfect world, but I think this is a fairly safe place to explore the topic.

 

[Fumej]

There's some discussion of this on this thread: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-impact-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-on-my-sexuality.40678/

Questions about gender identity can come to anyone regardless of whether they had any trauma. Gender identity falls on a spectrum and it is totally normal for men to fall on the "feminine" end of the spectrum and women to fall on the "masculine" end. These extremes of what constitutes "masculine" and "feminine" are generally socially constructed for the most part. Feminine men and masculine women can be gay or straight or bi. The gender identification and expression doesn't necessarily overlap with sexual orientation. Where you fall on the spectrum for sexual or gender orientation is not (IMHO) a problem unless it is causing you distress.

I think those of us who experienced sexual abuse as children can have really complicated issues with both sexuality and gender. These need sorting out with a really good therapist who is not only a trauma specialist but who is also open-minded and knowledgeable about working with people on their sexuality and gender identification.

PS. Just so you understand my perspective...I am a happily married "masculine" woman married to a "feminine" man, and we have two children; we are both heterosexual. I have done lots of teaching about human sexuality and fall in what would be considered the progressive lens on gender and sexuality. To the extent I was able when I was growing up, I identified as a boy. I wanted to be a boy. Never happened. Puberty hit, hormones kicked in, and I was on my way in life as a woman. But I still feel like I'm in the wrong body. Feel like I ought to be a man, and if I were, I'd be a gay man because I'm attracted to men. How's that for mind-bending?

 

[Awu]

Am a MtF, who was physically and psychologically abused, throughout my childhood, so I can understand, why you're feeling this way, @ipav . You might want to talk with a gender therapist, to help you, explore your feelings and help you, to separate it, from your trauma abuse. And yes, it's ok to feel and act feminine, as a male. I think it's healthy to express this part of yourself.

 

[Jimag]

Yep. I have really questioned this a lot. For me, In the end, I decided to focus on being me, whatever that means. My version of being my gender includes being the other sex with the parts I've got as is. That's not the right thing for everyone. For me, I worked in therapy to re-associate the gender that I am with things that are good and it resolved a lot of my confusion.