Hello All, been reading the website for a long long time but haven't ever posted.
To give a little background, I was in a verbally/emotionally (some isolated physical) abusive marriage for 16 years. I stuck it out as long as I could due to my religious background and family pressure. I eventually totally broke. My body physically was cratering, the stress was killing me, my mind eventually just checked out.
About a year before I decided to finally end the marriage, I completely checked out of the marriage. About 6 months into this period, I had an affair with a friend. I understand this was a poor decision but is a fact of this and actually gave me the strength to do something about my situation rather than roll over and die. I ended the affair, tried to go back to wife due to family pressure and eventually broke completely.
Spent days on end laying in the dark in my closet, couldn't leave house, became very suicidal. My family and friends have all pretty well turned on me. I started doing research and found this site as well as some others involving abuse.
I went through multiple therapist and finally found a good trauma T who has been a life savior. She has confirmed I have complex trauma/CPTSD which I know isn't a real diagnosis but none the less is the symptoms I'm struggling with. I have been doing EMDR weekly for 8 months and have made lots of progress but still have lots to go.
The problem I am now facing, is the divorce process has turned ugly. I am trying to document for my attorney but have no memory of the last 12 years of so. My mind won't let me pull those memories up but desperately need them for my legal battle. I feel extremely vulnerable and frustrated that I can't find the facts in my mind to defend myself.
EMDR has helped significantly but still not getting back my repressed memories. I was hoping for some advice or options of other methods to help me re-engage some of these memories. I feel like I'm stable enough to handle it but my brain obviously doesn't agree. Any advice would me much appreciated.
To give a little background, I was in a verbally/emotionally (some isolated physical) abusive marriage for 16 years. I stuck it out as long as I could due to my religious background and family pressure. I eventually totally broke. My body physically was cratering, the stress was killing me, my mind eventually just checked out.
About a year before I decided to finally end the marriage, I completely checked out of the marriage. About 6 months into this period, I had an affair with a friend. I understand this was a poor decision but is a fact of this and actually gave me the strength to do something about my situation rather than roll over and die. I ended the affair, tried to go back to wife due to family pressure and eventually broke completely.
Spent days on end laying in the dark in my closet, couldn't leave house, became very suicidal. My family and friends have all pretty well turned on me. I started doing research and found this site as well as some others involving abuse.
I went through multiple therapist and finally found a good trauma T who has been a life savior. She has confirmed I have complex trauma/CPTSD which I know isn't a real diagnosis but none the less is the symptoms I'm struggling with. I have been doing EMDR weekly for 8 months and have made lots of progress but still have lots to go.
The problem I am now facing, is the divorce process has turned ugly. I am trying to document for my attorney but have no memory of the last 12 years of so. My mind won't let me pull those memories up but desperately need them for my legal battle. I feel extremely vulnerable and frustrated that I can't find the facts in my mind to defend myself.
EMDR has helped significantly but still not getting back my repressed memories. I was hoping for some advice or options of other methods to help me re-engage some of these memories. I feel like I'm stable enough to handle it but my brain obviously doesn't agree. Any advice would me much appreciated.
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