Need Some Help From Those Who Understand

[confusedbutlovingmy wife]

I am new to this, but I am really in need of some advice from you good folks. My wife had an extremely violent life altering situation when she was young. Since then, she has had a propensity to "run". At the time, she did not receive any real treatment, but it would seem as though she has PTSD. We have been together for 9 years, married for 7. We have 2 beautiful children together and I couldn't love her more. Things were good for us up until recently, when I discovered that she was having an internet affair and there was a tremendous amount of stress in our lives. It would seem as though we have been able to work through all of that. She has told me that she no longer communicates with the person in question.

Additionally, there are several other areas in life where she hasn't been functioning very well. Work, with the kids, etc. We have retained the services of what we think will be a very good psychotherapist to help her deal with her PTSD. She has only seen him once, so we don't have a diagnosis yet, but given what happened to her, we are pretty sure that that is what is going on.

I love my wife with all my heart and since the end of the online affair, she has been more open and honest with me. She has said how much she really loves me and wants our marriage to work.

My problem is that for some reason, I can't seem to get over the hump in terms of being able to trust completely. I am afraid she will run again or have another affair. I am willing and able to give her all the love, support, and whatever else she needs to feel better, but I am terrified that I will get hurt again and with my wife, I have never felt the feelings for anyone else that I feel for her.

I am willing to take the risk, but I don't know how to cope with the feelings I have. I tell her all the time how much I love her and what she means to me and that I will be there for her no matter what because I love her like I do and that is what marriage means to me. Since the end of the affair, our intimacy in the bedroom has picked up in frequency again and has been really good, but even this I am having difficulty trusting.

On a lot of levels, my wife is the most honest person I have ever met. She does the right things, but I am concerned that she will continue some sort of behavior like the affair or she may want to run.

How do I get to a place where I can trust what she is telling me? I am afraid that even though I am good at hiding this, I may be the one to mess everything up if she is being honest with me about everything because I am having trouble getting there on the trust again.

When things have been good between us, it feels great!!!! I just am afraid that I can't handle her running from me again or having an affair online again because it will devastate me.

I am just being honest here-I realize the problem is probably mine, but any help would be much appreciated.

Thanks to all

 

[Tiger Kitten]

It sounds like you are doing all you can to help her help herself.

As for your trust issue... I have a very hard time trusting anyone, but I do know that when I finally give my trust to someone and they break it... It takes a long time for them to earn my trust back. Perhaps speaking to a therapist for yourself may help? It may help as well to talk to your wife about the difficulties you are having trusting her again. If she's at all reasonable, she should understand that once trust is broken it takes time to be rebuilt. Trust really means nothing if it is not earned and valued.

Good luck,

Tiger

 

[confusedbutlovingmy wife]

Tiger,

Thank you for responding to me. We have had a lot of conversations about it. The problem is that I have told her that I do trust her again, but I can't seem to shake it. I am not a weak person on that level and for the first 9 years of our lives together, it wasn't even an issue.

I have thought about going to see someone, but now that we have committed to her going to see the PTSD therapist, our financial situation is going to be fairly limited. I may have to wait a while for that.

She has been understanding about my trust issues, but we are both trying to move past the online affair thing.

I want to truly be able to give her all I am again and I have been doing that, but it is causing me pain on the inside. She doesn't need my crap right now while she is trying to get things on track for herself.

Confused

 

[Christy]

Wow. What a splendid post. Your wife is so lucky to have you. Hang in there.

 

[confusedbutlovingmy wife]

Christy,

Thanks for the kind words.....it's just one of those things when you meet the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, you know. I would give anything to help her take away her pain, but I can't figure out how to deal with my own. Kind of weird, I know.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

It's not weird at all. You are both in pain, but you perceive hers as the greater pain so you are making that the priority. It's going to take time to work through yours. Just don't beat yourself up over it. It's "normal" to have trust issues after having trust broken. (At least from the research I have done on trust. I really don't know what "normal" is so I have to go by what I read, lol.)

Even someone with as many trust issues as I have can get over the pain of the whole broken trust thing. It takes time and patience though. It sounds as though this is pretty recent, and that she is being much more open with you now. Hopefully as she improves and time goes by this issue will resolve itself. Give yourself time. Look forward more then backward. Hopefully that will help.

Tiger

 

[confusedbutlovingmy wife]

Tiger-
I appreciate the support. I think you are right. It will take time. I sometimes wish there was a magic pill I could take just to forget until I don't need it anymore. Thank you so much for your help!!!!

 

[confusedbutlovingmy wife]

Tiger-

Yes, this has been fairly recent. The affair ended almost 2 months ago and it only lasted for about 1-2 months. The problem is that this person was someone she has known online for 10 years as a friend and it never went that way. She did end it with him, including her friendship with him because I told her it was important to me to not even be friends with him. I know, I know-I am flawed, but it is how I feel. It is also a situation that makes it even more difficult because there's that plus the possible PTSD thing to deal with. Some days right now, I don't even want to get out of bed myself and face things, which is really not who I usually am.

Confused

<Un-necessary quote removed by Amethist>

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Confused. This is a very hard thing to deal with, not only to support a loved one who had PTSD, but to deal with this trust issue. Try to trust yourself before trusting others. Like you said, this breech of trust is very recent, so it is still a painful issue for you. Have you considered being fully honest with your wife on how you still feel about what happened ?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Confused,

Your lack of trust is completely understandable. What was breached was the most intimate part that binds a marriage together. Please do not beat yourself up, as it has been a relative short period of time. It is going to take time to regain it.

But even though you view your wife as needing the greatest amount of help right now, there is a factor I think worth mentioning. With PTSD, marriages can be strained to the point of breaking. It is extremely important that both partners be as mentally healthy as they can. The healthier you are, and the better you deal with your own issues, the this will substantially reduce the strain on the relationship.

Please don't discount or devalue your needs. If you feel that you might benefit from some counseling, then by all means find a way. As equal parties in the relationship, you have equal importance.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[confusedbutlovingmy wife]

Hi Froggie-thanks for the response. we have talked about it to the point that seems ridiculous. We had a very lovely conversation last night about our future together, which made me feel much better. I actually contacted our family doctor this morning about getting something done for what I believe are my own anxiety issues as well, so I am trying to take that step too. The thing with the online affair would be much easier for me to move on from except that the PTSD is something that sort of blurs the lines. After last night's conversation, I felt a lot better, but I am battling the anxiety again today as I sit here. I know that my wife's struggles are vastly larger than my own and that many of the kind people on this site have it way worse than I can even imagine, but I can't seem to find the groove again, which I know will be extremely important to all of us.

 

[confusedbutlovingmy wife]

Debbie,

Thank you for the support. I agree with you that it will be infinitely important for me to be focused and clear of all of this. The strange part about this whole affair thing is that my wife described it as an escape and she had no intentions of it being anything else than what it was and she never stopped loving me. It was, however, a very stressful time for both of us and we were not communicating. Since then, our relationship has improved again dramatically, but I just can't seem to put that part behind me in it's entirety. And now, with her being in treatment for the PTSD, I am just scared that once she starts to feel better about things, will that change how she feels about me? Aarrghhh!!