Childhood Need To Get This Out Of My Head...

[lostforgottensoul]

I dont know if I read JL's diary before I should of or if its perfect timing. But i need to get this out of my head.

I identify with kidnap survivors, I watch shows and watch everything about the ones that's been in the media. I have never identified with CSA survivors and Ive never understood why, I wasnt technically kidnapped. I was isolated, my mom was in contempt of court, using me to tell my dad I hated him so he wouldnt proceed with court and he didnt and I never saw my family again for 8 yrs. He left me there. I begged him when I was 9 and 12 to take me and he left me there...he left me.

I never called my step dad "dad", i refused, i had a dad and i was punished for that but during our "gentle sex" times i would. "Am I doing it right, daddy?" And he said "Yes, that's my girl....that's daddy's girl"

I now read dad and daughter incest porn stories...to...masturbate to...that's sick!

I was punished if i didnt get a ritual right but when I finally got it right I was proud...proud? I was proud that i killed and animal correctly or f*cked a dog correctly or did oral sex on my mom correctly (which I hated very much but had to learn fast)...i was proud? What's wrong with me? How sick is that? I was proud when I did it all correctly, when I said the chants correctly, when i seduced enough men to bring home the right amount of money, pride....f*ck PRIDE!

Im so ashamed!

What am I feeling? PAIN? Pain for MY past? I want to push it down, I want to numb it, i want to cut but i cant...im sitting here kicking the foot think of my recliner...

Im so confused....so very confused. Ive never connected with my past like this...

When i was bad i was locked in a hall closet for 3 days at a time, no food, no water, i would go to the bathroom in a small corner and took a shirt off the hanger and cover it up and try so hard not to sit in it...but i was so thisty, i was 12 and i didnt know what to do.

On the 2nd day i couldnt stand how thirsty i was and on the shelve in the closet i found a small plastic thing, it was like a cap that went over something...and so...and ummm...I peed in it and drank it...i didnt know what else to do and the first time i did it i threw up but god i was thirsty so i made myself keep it down.

When i was let out i was made to "eat my mess" and so later times that i was locked in there, if try so hard to hold it until i couldnt and ended up going in my pants, maybe they wouldnt know..they did...

I recently wet the bed for the first time in my adult life and my step mom saw and laughed at me. :sorry:

Im trying so hard but i dont know how to get better. Will i ever be better? Im trying so very hard not to cry...i cant cry...im not suposed to cry...but its trying to force its way out and im trying to push it back in.

I.dont know why im posting this. I dont even know what im feeling.. i just wish people understood, i wish people would care....i wish someone would love me....

Im sorry...i dont know why im posting this...im sorry...

 

[Sideways]

I felt proud.

I felt proud when it seemed like I was finally getting better at it. I felt proud that I did a good enough job that he let me come back the next week for more.

Felt proud then. Feel proud about now.

We have millions of ways to hate ourselves for what they did.

But you're at rock bottom right now. It gets easier. Eventually it gets better. In the meantime, the clock is working slowly, but it's working in your favour. Every second that passes, you get further away from it. That's the only thing that's guaranteed.

In the meantime, all we can do sometimes is try and be gentle with ourselves while the clock does it's work, and puts it all further and further away from where we are now.

Thoughts are with you LFS.

 

[Jet]

You have done nothing...nada...zip...that you need to apologize for or be ashamed of.

You were a child and the people who were supposed to love and protect you did nothing of the sort. Instead they took advantage...they ravaged your body, mind and soul. They are the one's who should be ashamed...they should be on their knees begging your forgiveness.

I do not even have words to describe how angry I am for you (so angry I am crying my eyes out) but if I could I would reach thru the computer screen and hug you and rock you like I would one of my girls. I am so sorry this happened to you and that more people do not understand your pain.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But you're at rock bottom right now.

I do need to diagree with you there. But you have to know a few things to understand why this is HUGE progress though it doesnt seems that way. And the words isnt whats important here. Yeah, im confused over being proud but theres a bigger thing here.


I created "alters" as a child, which had names at the time; I dont have DID...I dropped them at 18 and I left, I didnt need them anymore. It was to say "this didnt happen to me, it happened to someone else".

I have always been very seperated from my past, but because of these "alters", I think "they" seperated me even more from it; I have never ever ever felt pain over my own past and certianly have never cried over my past. I have never cried at all, except one tear of the "dog thing" dream recently re-reading it at work but to feel pain like this over my past and cry...though I tried not to, I did until I feel asleep...i call this insanely awesome progress.

Also, another thing is I had placed myself in the catigory of "other" or "not like everyone else" so my past, to me, wasnt "horrible", it would be if it happened to anyone else but because it happened to me, it was justified and ok. Either ive finally moved myself in the "like everyone else catigory" or im damn close.

I felt that after the "Dear "Mom" thread, I felt the gap closing but this makes it no gap, or at least close enough to feel the pain.

Anyway, I know it doesnt seem like progress or a good thing but it is.

Not at bottom, im at or damn close to center! :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Jet Thank you! :hug:

 

[Sideways]

Good to hear:)
(The progress part!!)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Getting the center or the "core" is getting insane and PAINFUL but once you are more than half way through a plot of woods, you're actually on your way out; Im damn close for sure!

 

[mary1979]

How are you feeling now lost?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@mary1979 I was just talking to my friend on the other site about that today; I was trying to talk it out in messages with him first and my brian was spinning too fast than either one of is could reply so im like f*ck it, i'll just post it out.

Today, i felt sorta lighter maybe? Not sure yet. Since the blame shift, all of this stuff is new so im not sure but maybe the release of some (a small fraction) of the rage towards my mom lead the way to allow me to come closer to my past, close the gap some?

Right now im thinking i need to go to bed since its over and hour past bed time, but today i think its been a little different but not sure different how yet.

I think its gonna be like everything else, hits me later maybe?

Last night though, that was the most pain ive felt since the blame shift but not as bad as the blame shift thank god! But its the most ive felt since.

Reading JL's diary is what caused this and I want to read more but i think its too soon. Give it a bit and maybe try my next letter as i wanna write one to my step dad and the cult on general and maybe one more (or a few more) to my mom as i feel more rage towards her than anyone else.

Not sure any of this answers your question, I suppose the answer is im not quite sure.

 

[mary1979]

Yeah, bit numb?

One step forward, two back is also common so don't feel bad if its not the earth shaking change you are expecting.

Its really difficult to change thinking patterns you've had your whole life.

Some hippy 'guru' told me years ago that it takes 30 days to re write your thoughts on old habits, i was laughing inside and thinking 'a month? Oh get stuffed, took me 7 bloody years to learn how to not treat myself like a victim!' And as i now know, if you don't constantly work on it or relax too much you'll slip right back to what you know.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

And as i now know, if you don't constantly work on it or relax too much you'll slip right back to what you know.

Yeah, thats why I didnt want to talk too much about the ritual we were posting on cuz I didnt want that ritual urge to come back. I got so much slack for it and I did want to badly stop it and didnt know how and one wonderful member had a wonderful idea and it basically turn it on its head & it worked. After that, i kept doing it the changed way and eventually the urge started to ease. Though its not the only ritual I re-did/re-do, it is the one i wanted to stop the most.

As to running back to what I know, I do that all the time. My therapist says that when I step out of my comfortabe zone and/or move into something new (seeming all the time now) thats its normal to run back to what I know. So its back and forth but the more i move into the new, the easier it becomes.

Its not about staying there, its about going there more and more, pushing at that comfortable zone line more and more to move it and then push it again. But if pushed too hard to fast it can cause 'back running' so I guess its knowing how hard and fast to push at it.

The whole "it takes a month to make something habit" its BS, or about this, this isnt about habit, its about teaching yourself a new way or in my world, turning my brain inside out

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have a migrane, not the worst ive ever had but bad enough that i have to squint at my phone screen and turn down the brightness...and I didnt call into work, I didnt want an occurence (i only have 2.5 cuz i like never call out of work, worked when i had double pnuemonua & my blood oxygen was 82%) but anyway, not sure if its related.

I do know my exhaustion is related, thats on my medical records as a physical mental symtopom or whatever medical term that is.

And i can barely put weight on my right knee, screaming from just moving my legs from gas to brake driving here, and my back is hurting so bad that I can barely move & I did take an extra pill, hate doing that, the less i take the better the pain pump works, but didnt have much of a choice if i had any chance to take a shower.

And now i have to stare at 2 monitors for 9 hrs w/ a migrane (oh and i am prescribed 800 mg ibuprophen, didnt help one bit and its the only thing that helps headaches & migranes for me) and listen to people scream at me because we all know that if the internet and/or PC isnt working (and we know user error doesnt exist) then the world is gonna come off its axis...and i got to pretend to give a f*ck! :cautious:

Related? I dont know, but would love just to lay down right now!


Also, the pre-authorization finally went through my insur for seriquiol ER (or they keep saying XR but its the extended one. I cannot believe retail price is over $400!) and I wanna take off work 5 days to give me a week to try to get used to it so I cant take off til 4/23 - 4/27 & have the 28th & 29th off already as those are days off so we'll see how it works at that point (4/23 - 4/29). I hope to god it levels off my emotions but if i seem 'off' at that point, I'll be medicated but @Ragdoll Circus im gonna take your suggestion and take it at night. It seems the ER helps keep you asleep when having nightmares too? I wake up about 5 or 8 times on average a night for nightmares and do crazy stuff in my sleep...i hope it at least stop me from hurting myself in my sleep! We will see how it works.

So thats a run down @mary1979 of how i feel today, like total dog shit! :poop::wtf: