General Need to Talk About PTSD Husband

[Lily1635]

My husband is in law enforcement and was diagnosed with PTSD nearly 10 years ago. He received some counseling, therapy, took meds and was released from the doctors care. We thought everything was fine. Life has been full of stress since then, some ordinary, perhaps some more trying than normal. He has been unable to handle the stress. I kept making excuses, thinking, if we can just get over this problem, then everything will be fine. Well stress never ends, and life has become progressively worse.

We recently started marriage counseling and I was so surprised at all the anger he had toward me. We have been married for 16 years, been together for 23 years. He complained mostly about things that I consider silly, like what tv that I watch, my relatives, that I'm not in the shape I was when we married. And he was just so angry about these things. My complaints about him are that he is angry, gets in a rage about things, controlling, demanding, OCD, nitpicks everything to a slow miserable death no matter how minor. He spends most of his free time secluded in the bedroom, either watching tv, sleeping or on the computer. He is unable to handle a normal amount of stress. Having too much to do or having to keep the kids sends him over the top. It causes me to be one stressed out individual because I feel like I am doing double duty. And then after working my butt off, I'm criticized for the way I did it. I can't win.

After several counseling sessions, I brought up the PTSD and asked if this was our problem. Husband totally denies it and says I am trying to deflect the blame for our failed marriage off myself. Therapist doesn't know (he does marriage counseling, not PTSD work).

When I read the symptoms of PTSD, I am certain that is what is causing this behaviour in my husband. He is such a different person than he used to be. He denies it all. I am thinking about leaving the marriage because I don't know what else to do.

Does anyone out there with a spouse/significant other with PTSD have any words of wisdom for me? Either related to the symptoms I list or what I should do? I'm interested if these symptoms sound like ones you have experienced with your loved ones, since my husband thinks I am crazy for coming to this conclusion.

 

[Noone.]

Hi Lily.
First off I commend you for trying to stand by your man when both of you are suffering.
I can relate with your husband in a way, I'm a firefighter and I have PTSD.
Unlike most sufferers with PTSD he is surrounded with constant triggers at work everyday.
Not memories but new possibilities of things to come and that is terriyfing.
The time we spend alone is one more second we are not spending that is full of sorrow for others.
It's so much easier for us to push the people we love away then it is to pull them close.

See Ya.
Fire.

 

[dharmaBum]

What does the counselor think? It sounds concerning because sometimes people with PTSD can negatively impact those around them without realizing what is going on. I think there are topics about this on some of the informational threads, but I'm not sure...

Fire- thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, "the time we spend alone is one more second we are not spending that is full of sorrow for others."

I find my traumatic experiences to be very limiting in terms of the type of work I can put up with. I'm a highly skilled and dedicated teacher, but working with children who are experiencing neglect, typical of the high poverty rural area where I live, has such a high cost emotionally for me. I hope to come to a point where I can share my gifts with children in need without triggering negative PTSD symptoms.

 

[pebbels]

Hi Lily

I feel for you totally. PTSD is a very complex disorder, it is frustrating, confusing and a hurtful disorder for both, the sufferer and partner.

I am picking from what i experienced with my ex partner is that he is finding it easier to push you away and for you it seems in an irrational manner than to be honest with you re what he is experiencing, eg: emotionally, frightened of his feelings and maybe failure, triggers. There are so many symptoms associated with PTSD it's not funny. Communication is vital, support for you to get a better understanding yourself of ptsd and maybe a therapist for him again to gain some form of control. I also commend you for standing by your husband but you also need to look after you because as you know it is not easy.

Try and encourage your husband to look at the forum as well as it has valuable information, an excellent site that covers everything one would want to know.

Good luck Lily

 

[Vickym]

Hi Lily,

My bf and I have been together for 1 1/2 years. He has ptsd and tbi. The things you describe sound like ptsd to me. When they have ptsd they find it much easier to suclude themselves from the one closest to them. Its awful watching them talk on the phone to others, get on their computer, watch tv ect. And yet at times act as if you are not even there. The last thing they want to do is cause hurt or pain to the ones they love.

When the blame is put on them they do become angry and upset. Then they knit pick you and tell you that you are not so perfect.

You should go to a counceler that deals with ptsd. You both my find some answers. At time you may be causing him stress without even meaning to. You need to find out what his triggers are. They need to be in the least stressfull environment possible. Good or bad stress can be to much.

My bf carries anger at times and doesn't even realize it at times. Ptsd change them and us.

There was an article in Redbook I cant remember if it was the Feb. or March. Google redbook and seach Ptsd. Its title is A Story of Love, War, and Faith. It may give you some hope.

Good luck to you!

Vicky

 

[Lucy Loo]

My husband is in law enforcement and was diagnosed with PTSD nearly 10 years ago. He received some counseling, therapy, took meds and was released from the doctors care. We thought everything was fine.

Hi Lily,

I'm a carer also. My husband and I have been married for 11 years.

From what I've read on this site, people aren't really ever completely cured from their ptsd - they learn to work through their symptoms, but it never fully goes away.

I would suggest going with your husband to see a counselor that is familiar with PTSD to see what they say. But if you're husband is not open to this, I'm not sure what more you can do. Definitely read a lot on here, you will learn so much more about PTSD.

Good luck to you. I am at the point myself where I'm thinking about leaving the relationship. It's a hard relationship to be in.

 

[Lily1635]

vickym, I read the Redbook article, it was great. Thanks for telling me about it.

I just brought up the possibility of PTSD causing these issues in our relationship at last week's counseling session, so not much has been said at all yet about it. Other than my husband denying that it is a problem. It is almost time to go again, so I'm sure we will discuss it more.

I know it would be better to go to someone specializing in PTSD, but if my husband is going to stay in denial, I don't think that will happen. I guess we shall see what happens with the continued counseling that we are getting.

I have been reading other posts and am still 100% convinced I am right about the PTSD even while he is denying it. The seclusion, the irratibility, and he will so often do things irrationally. Then he will look at me like I'M the one being unreasonable. It is enough to make a person question their own sanity. But I have to stay sane to take care of our 2 children and everything else in this world that has fallen to me.

To the firefighter who commented, it is true he faces triggers every day. Sometimes more dramatic than others, such as if he has to discharge his weapon for any reason. He left law enforcement for a few years because of the PTSD, but that seemed even worse. The events that caused his PTSD happened, he got therapy and did well. We were happy. Then he decided that he needed to leave law enforcement and change careers. We moved. It was horrible. He hated his new "desk" job, hated the new town where we lived. He fell into a deep depression. After a year & a half, he again looked into law enforcement. He got hired, things went well for a year or so, then the various stresses started, and there has not been an end since. Things just have gotten worse and worse until last year when he finally pointed to me and said I was the cause of all this. He has been angry at me since. He is working the streets at this time and has been hoping for a detective's position. I don't know if that would make a difference or not though.

Thank you everyone for talking with me about this. It helps.

 

[Shoka]

Hi Lily,

My significant other is in Law Enforcement as well and is being treated for PTSD.

My understanding of PTSD is that for the most part, it isn't treated for a short period of time and then it simply goes away. My understanding is that it's there for a lifetime and once the sufferer goes into a "management" phase of PTSD, life is, well, more manageable, but not perfect. As I always say it's about progress, not perfection.

I agree with what the Fireman said with regard to everyday triggers. I really think it's problematic for those in Police Departments and Fire Departments. One can't survive in those kinds of jobs if they aren't a bit of a "tough" guy, especially law enforcement where there's the possibility for violence on a regular basis. They have to be vigilent and on guard when they're on the street, which must be hard to turn off when you're home and not in that situation.

The level of stress you describe in your life sounds hard to deal with. It's good your going to therapy, and if you are concerned with PTSD, then be sure to continue talking about it with the therapist.

I can relate to having someone with PTSD focus all their negativity toward their relationship. My sufferer has never pointed the finger at me like you describe, but there have been similar incidents where it seems I'm the total focus for all that's wrong in his life. It's hard to go through something like that and not take it personally.

Keep coming back to this sight, it's really the only advice I can offer other than to try to take care of yourself. It does sound like you're on to something with the sypmtoms you describe and his current work in Law Enforcement.

Take Care,
Shoka

 

[Lily1635]

Thank you Shoka for your comments. It sounds like we are in somewhat similar situations.

My husband just has such high expectations and is easily disappointed in everyone's performance, whether it is me or really it could be anyone. Therefore I never seem to make him happy.

It is very discouraging at the moment. We talked more about the possibility of PTSD yesterday and he is in denial about it. He pointed to his wonderful job performance and said that would be suffering as well if it were PTSD. I don't think that is necessarily the case. The therapist offered to refer us to a PTSD specialist, but of course at this time my husband won't agree to that. He continues to maintain that I am his problem.

 

[Nicolette]

My understanding of PTSD is that for the most part, it isn't treated for a short period of time and then it simply goes away.

From what I have learned I believe this comment would only apply in rare cases. First and fundamental problem is the sufferer admitting there is something wrong and then getting a correct diagnosis. Then you have the next stage where the sufferer is out of control and their life becomes very painful for them. They have to struggle to come to terms with what is happening to them and then the realisation that in order to get better they will need to face their trauma. Facing trauma is very hard especially as a contributing factor to PTSD is that the trauma was not initially dealt with when it happened and the sufferer had to repress it in order to cope.

PTSD does not ever go away; it is life changing and actually affects and changes the chemical balance in a sufferer's brain.

Sufferers can learn to manage their PTSD yes but life is not regulated or controlled so events may occur which may send a sufferer spiralling back into a state of full blown PTSD...eg a death of a loved one. Even too much good stuff going on can be enough to make a well managed sufferer ill and put them out for a period of time. I really must emphasis that PTSD should never be minimised - by either the sufferer or the carer.

The therapist offered to refer us to a PTSD specialist, but of course at this time my husband won't agree to that. He continues to maintain that I am his problem.

Lily, I am sorry for your predicament however until your husband is willing to admit he has a significant problem, and that it is not you, there is little you can do other than encourage and support him in getting help.

 

[ok4a56]

I am in Law Enforcement, and one thing also to keep in mind is we have been trained to keep it all in, don't take it home and god forbid don't ask for help. You are the weak one if you would ask for help. This was the old school way of training and I think that has caused allot of problems with PTSD within Law Enforcement. I do feel that this is part of the cause for my PTSD and the way I act toward my family.

 

[Shoka]

Hi Lily,

Yes the high expectations of everyone is something my BF definetly has. Does your husband come from a military family as well? I know those high expectations were ingrained in him prior to the department.

My BF functioned extremely HIGH on the job while experiencing PTSD. In my opionion that's because COPS do well when they are HYPER VIGILENT which is my BF's trait. All of those things, the paranoia, not trusting anyone, being prepared for the worst, going with gut instincts, all of those things serve him well on the streets, but they are a DISASTER in a relationship.

An example of how those traits are a disaster is that quite often when we argue, I see him go into interrogation mode, and he's not being the "good cop" interrogator either. It's almost a default mode he goes into because of his hyper-vigilence. I get defensive (ummmm who wouldn't) and the pattern has been that things escalate. We're working on changing that.

It's frustrating that Law Enforcement rarely acknowledges PTSD, and I think they should look to the military as a beginning model of at least acknowledging that their people may be vulnerable to this disease. I know my BF originally thought that admitted to PTSD was a sign of "weakness", the therapists have helped him get over that notion a bit. It's like Nicollete says, PTSD should never be minimalized, and I think Law Enforcement agencies do tend to minimalize or ignore it.

It's a long road to encourage someone to get help. My BF only went to get help because I was walking out the door. It is still hard, and it still may in fact be that I will need to walk out the door. As I've said in other posts, it's one day at a time for me with him.

Take care of yourself Lily!
Shoka