General Need to Talk About PTSD Husband

[Lily1635]

Thank you Shoka for your comments. I especially could relate to the part where you say your BF performed well on the job with his PTSD. I can see your point. My husband has used this as a defense to try to deny his PTSD and I couldn't think of a response, but you have stated it very well. He pointed out his great performance at work while trying to argue that his PTSD was NOT giving him a problem. Makes sense! I had thought about posting and asking any cops with PTSD if their job suffered or not. In our case, it all seems to be problems at home. And we don't go anywhere else. He is either working or holed up in the bedroom by himself. He comes out to visit us and then back to the bedroom! And yes, to answer your question, his dad was military. He had to take care of the lawn and wash the family cars and then get an inspection from dad, so there were definitely high expectations growing up.

 

[Shoka]

Hi Lily,
So I'm not surprised to hear he comes from a military family. For my BF it seemed that growing up with a Military Dad was the perfect setting for a "cop to be". Was his father in any wars or combat missions? A common thing I heard early on was that being a cop was nothing like being a soldier and that PTSD is only for soldiers who have seen combat. My BF and I have talked about the fact that his father may have had PTSD but never dealt with it. So little boys want to be just like their hero fathers in this instance and admitting to PTSD is considered a major sign of "WEAKNESS". Not acceptable. I think he used to think that he should jsut suck it up like his father and act like everything was fine.

It took alot of work for my BF's doctors to convince him that in many ways he has seen "urban" combat (since he's been shot at, seen a fellow officer get shot and killed in front of him, and many more incidents basically where he's gone into homes where the threat of being shot was a daily concern). I"ve always felt that the good cops of the world are unsung heroes because they face down danger on a regular basis but rarely get the accolades.

I'm so sorry he is shutting you out. Logically I'm sure you do know the basic notion that if he's not willing to admit to having issues with PTSD, then there's little you can do. What does the marriage counselor say is going on?

I hope you'll at least continue to go the marriage counselor together. It's better than no counseling at all. Be sure to get help for yourself if you are feeling like you need it. Sounds like you feel a little isolated and tired from receiveing all the blame.

Best of luck, keep in touch.
Shoka

 

[aimcleve]

My husband has PTSD-needing to process thoughts

My husband has PTSD. Last month he was diagnosed. He has been having difficulty for 4 years now. For the first 3 years we were living overseas and unable to seek help. This last year while in the States he started seeking help, off and on. We are now returning back overseas and he has just started taking medication 2 months ago. He still has trigger moments. Kids are involved and they trigger him. He cant stand disrespect. But then he thinks all they say is disrespectful. At least once a week he gets drunk which is followed with days of disassociation.
this once a week episode is better than it used to be. It used to be 3-4 times a week.

However I am tired of being on the roller coaster. A few days are good and then something triggers him. The sad thing is he says he is fine and to stop looking around every corner and to give him grace and support to see him through what he is working through. BUT I have yet to hear that he is working on what does trigger him. This is so frustrating! How do I come across in balance...balance I mean by not showing acceptance for his trigger moments and how he deals with them(drinking,picking on the children, yelling at me, blocking people out) but yet being supportive.

Thanks for listening and any thoughts would be good.

aim

 

[Shoka]

Hi AIM,

I know that I got good advice on this forum to be able to express with my sufferer something to the effect of "I don't like who you are being right now" as a way to show that I don't accept the behavior. I know all to well the roller coaster as I am going through it right now. Thankfully, I'm not married to this man and honestly, I'm not sure I ever could marry him. After a month of therapeutic immersion where he received intensive treatment for complex PTSD, my bf seems to easily be slipping back into his old ways, and that is even with the medication. I understand that old ways of thinking and behaving are much easier to use as coping mechanisms rather than newly learned ways, but when it wears on me to the point of not sleeping, having depression, etc, it's time for me to change.

Today I said to him "You seem really on guard, is that how you are feeling?" and he said he was alright. We were able to communicate that I don't have a problem hearing what he is stressed out about, but I do have a problem when he turns his stress on my (by picking fights, or being interrogative, etc.).

All I can say is that I understand your frustration and worry. I have come to the conclusion that striking a balance may not always be possible or appropriate. I have promised myself that I will not go back to the days of when he picked fights with me, yelled at me with verbal abuse, or was aggressive. There's no balancing act for those incidents, it's just plain abuse.

I can say that with therapy things do get better, but every person needs to know their personal boundaries within a relationship.

Best of luck,
Shoka

 

[andrea]

To Lily,
I can really relate to your story. My husband was injured in Iraq.

 

[Lily1635]

Well I went to visit family for a few days in another state, and returned home to find that my husband had moved his belongings out of our home. He was there to meet me and tell me in person and became angry when I expressed hurt that he did not tell me what he was going to do instead of giving me a shock like that. I was not shocked at the decision really, but just at the way he felt he had to be secretive about it. Furniture was gone, but as he continued to talk, he told me he was staying with someone. I said, if you didn't rent an apartment then where is all the stuff you took? In storage he says.

That was about a week ago. We have had to communicate because of the kids, but there hasn't been any communication beyond that. I am so sad because of what we have lost and the future we could have had but also feel a relief as well. I feel guilty about that, but he was so hateful to me for the last few years. I keep telling myself I did everything I could and that if he came back tomorrow nothing will have changed. I have been on this ride for so long and just want it to stop. He has been without treatment for his PTSD diagnosis for the last 5 years. Sometimes were better than others, but looking back there has been an awful lot of bad.

I have done a lot of reading at this forum even though not a lot of posting and it is discouraging because I see that this will be a lifelong battle for him.

He moved out about a week ago, and I was in a daze sort of the first few days, but starting to feel better. I am spending a lot of time with family and friends and very little sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. Work is the hardest time. I have a desk job where I am supposed to be concentrating, which is really hard right now.

Just wanted to let everyone know that even though I am discouraged, it still has helped to read about others in my situation. At least I know I am not alone. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Shoka]

Hugs To Lily

Lily,

I am so sorry to learn about what happened to you. I think grieving "what was or what used to be" is certainly a reality for many carers. At least it seems like a common theme in many people's posts.

If he remains untreated though, there isn't much you can do to build your relationship anyway. I'm so encouraged by your strength that you are not sitting at home wallowing. The desk job and lack of concentration is often what happens to me during the day too. I can relate to that one!

I'm so glad you came back to the forum and posted an update. I was thinking of you. You aren't alone out there. I'm thinking of you and hoping you'll find some healing as the days go by!:Hug_emoticon:

Shoka

 

[sp607]

Lily,
My prayers are going out for you. My husband is in law enforcement, five years. He was just diagnosed with it a few weeks ago, but apparently has been dealing with it since the beginning of his career. My husband is WONDERFUL at his job, top producer in stats. Which is so confusing to him why he has such a love/hate relationship with his career. Over the past fee months he has tried getting a new position, DARE Officer, to get off the streets more, less stress. But the agency wants him on the streets to produce tickets and bring them in $$$. Its upsetting cause its like an endless vicious cycle. I am wondering if leaving the force will help him. I'm afraid he will miss it and go back then things will get worse. He wants to try to move three hours away to a different station that has more help from another agency with calls and a much much easier work schedule but that also means moving away from family help. I'm so afraid to make the wrong decision.
On your end, I suggest just continue going to any counselor, better than nothing. Maybe that counselor can help your husband realize his PTSD. After that, maybe a door will open that your husband will see a PTSD specialist, that would be ideal.
But in the meantime....everyday life, continue to love him, support him because from my understanding that is what PTSD sufferers need. Continue to try to make your home a peaceful place (I know your husband probably makes it hard with his blaming you for everything) but for yourself and your kids. Make sure you don't burn out, emotionally. Its so hard being in our position, caring for our loved some who suffers from so much turmoil but also for kids then yourself. My child is teo years old and loves the movie Finding Nemo and there are many days, as I'm sure you do too, I feel this is all just too much and unless a miracle occurs (which I do believe in) I can't get through this. So often I jus keep saying to myself, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" cause at the end of my life I need to know I did ALL that I could at my best out of love.
Sorry I don't have some miracle silution for you but know you're not in this boat alone!
Hopefully we can keep in touch on here for support for each other.

Take care

 

[pebbels]

Hi Lily,

Sorry things have turned out the way they have but like you my ex partner decided and i quote "it is best for me that i don't see you anymore" and that was that, i was devastated and yet relieved at the same time because it had been one hell of a roller coaster ride for 15 months and i had fought so hard to support him and be the perfect carer, but i also realised later that i had lost ME in the process and it has taken a good 5 months to get me back.

I wish you all the best Lily:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs